Extracts from the plague diary of Mark ne-Francois-Pepys
April 16th
Up, and after Lewis Hamilton Monster and Peperami smoothie and a morning Haka with Adam Boulton on Zoom, to my online therapist Emily Maitlis there to discourse with her about
1/12
April 16th
Up, and after Lewis Hamilton Monster and Peperami smoothie and a morning Haka with Adam Boulton on Zoom, to my online therapist Emily Maitlis there to discourse with her about
1/12
the reliefe of my sub-conscious from its being attached to the most Patriotic man on earth. This we did resolve to do in the manner of remembrance of my youthe wherein I was left at birth wrapped in a Tim Henman Union Jack towel with explanatory note, before the household
2/12
2/12
of a family of rampant Europeans by name Dursley and dominated by a spoiled boy named Dudley, who tormented me by forcing me to measure Monster servings in the metric manner, sleep in a cupboard under some stairs on a bed of straight bananas and upon
3/12
3/12
the removal of some glass behind which an unelected EU Civil Servant was being kept during a trip to the zoo, made me grayte trouble though I was wholly void of blame.
At lengthe, mysterious blue passports began arriving for me through every crack of the house
4/12
At lengthe, mysterious blue passports began arriving for me through every crack of the house
4/12
and on my eleventh birthday Ian Botham materialised and offered me an admissions letter to the Hogquarts School of Imperial Measures and Patriotism, so I away by Green Goddess to Chingford, and there hear that I am to join House Gryffenboreham
5/12
5/12
with Ron Redwood and Hermione Liddell-Grainger and by and by learn among other things about several stories of the basenesse of the Europeans: the contemptable ceremoniousnesse of their metric system, that they do nothing normal but under some ridiculous form or other
6/12
6/12
and will not piss but a subjugated Brit must hold their burgundy piss-pot, and on the continent they having the veriest cowards for the leaders and politicians, and they did teach me to fly Spitfire shaped broomsticks against Merkelschmitts in a game called Quiddecombe.
7/12
7/12
Maitless did preach most tediously that this account of my early years held many striking similarities to that of the Jungian archetype of handwringing snowflake Harry Potter and ventured that I may be misremembering details and I did reply that it was as crystal clear as
8/12
8/12
my heroics at Agincourt and that she should count herself lucky to get a look at my subconscious, as like the Chancellor’s briefcase it only gets opened twice a year, and further bored, I said I’d send her some frozen calamari as squid pro quo for the session and thinking
9/12
9/12
it no wonder Prince Andrew ran such rings around her, hung up.
Snack attackers for lunch and the afternoon spent at talking on yogurt pots & string across the cul-de-sac with the fiercely inquisitive Eamonn Holmes about the deep-state conspiracy of the 5G business, and the
10/12
Snack attackers for lunch and the afternoon spent at talking on yogurt pots & string across the cul-de-sac with the fiercely inquisitive Eamonn Holmes about the deep-state conspiracy of the 5G business, and the
10/12
pride he must feel that the towers relaying vital information to the emergency services were being vandalised by truthers, but was cut short that the rogue Will Self be at hiding in my wheelie bin again and the Bono-apologist was very hot for the present and said
11/12
11/12
‘Sir, if you spar word for word with me, I shall make your wit dry up’ and I did reply ‘not even bothered son’ and to piss off or I was fetching my potato peeler, and as he turned and fled, I did note aback of his head looked most like that EU envoy Voldemort. Kinder Bueno. Bed.
This incredible artwork was discovered by @Will_Overman and I completely forgot to tag him in it. That's me on a reduced Monster rations for twenty minutes.
