There is a deadly serious Christian action movie about Muslims who invent time travel so they can go back in time and kill Jesus so he can't die for our sins and of course my husband bought it because he's an actual monster.
My husband finds this hilarious. I have cringed myself in to a back injury from which I will never recover.
As an adult convert to Christianity, Jon has never run in the circles in which this would be considered a great movie. I have. We are experiencing this film very differently.
Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane just got scared by a time machine.
And a SWAT team.
US Marshalls just mowed down the disciples with machine guns. I am not making this up.
A doubting Christian just shot Jesus in the head with an automatic pistol. The doubting Christian acknowledged that when Jesus died, he was speaking English.
I would bet that the science research involved in this movie came from watching LOST.
The love interest was just shot in the abdomen. Our hero took off all his clothes but his tighty-whities and sneakers to make a bandage. Again, I am not making any of this up.
You can't imagine how offensive the black character is.
That said, the black guy is confessing to Jesus right now that he doesn't like the movie Passion of the Christ and it's pretty funny but also looks like a South Park scene.
I am so uncomfortable.
Jesus and the black guy are now casually referring to Passion of the Christ as "my movie/your movie." Jesus knows about the movie Passion of the Christ and he really likes it.
There's another hour left of this movie so there's plenty of time for me to find a divorce lawyer.
A time traveller just had his watch stolen by a Roman.
I'm actually eliminating some key plot surprises from this twitter thread because I want you guys to experience the insane surprises for yourselves.
I cannot overstate the deranged audacity with which these apparently pious filmmakers rewrote the story of the Passion and Resurrection to accommodate time travelers and their equipment.
My jaw is on the floor. Whatever you're imagining right now, it's so much crazier than you think.
Also the black guy just said "mucho gracias" to Mary Magdalene because she said "Rabboni."
A man holds his dying friend in his arms. "God has a place for you in heaven! It's a frat house! *sob* With lots of beer!"
This movie is painfully, worshipfully committed to the glory of the Lord, and is completely committed to the idea that Jesus' resurrection had nothing to do with God and everything to with American time travelers.
Turns out you can forgive someone in one timeline and stab them to death for killing your girlfriend in another and Jesus still counts it.
"Use your Bible app!" - An action movie.
I am gobsmacked. That movie truly has to be seen to be believed. Jim Carroll, I expect a cut from the proceeds of people who will rent that on my "recommendation," as it were. That was a wild and (unfortunately) unforgettable ride.
The movie is honestly charming in how it is both thoroughly sincere in its obvious love for Jesus, and also the most blasphemous thing ever made by filmmakers.
Y'all out here asking "But how would that work from a theological perspective?" like the filmmakers thought about this or like I care.
Oh, one more thing: despite the thoroughgoing Islamophobia, there's an interesting detail where a character says that Muslims wouldn't kill Jesus because of his prophetic status, and someone corrects her that the villains "aren't Muslims, they're extremists."
I don't know if that was a cynical line thrown in to say "Look, we aren't Islamophobic" or expresses the genuine conviction of the filmmakers, but either way it was very noticeable.
Anyway, the movie is Assassin 33 AD. With a content warning for gun violence and Islamophobia, I actually recommend the hell out of it. It's a wild and thoroughly impious mix between Jesus of Montreal, Lost, and Birdemic.
