Thread by @QuinnyPig

It's @microsoft earnings day! Their Intelligent Cloud segment rose 27.2%, whereas their Elastic Moron Cloud segment did not have its revenues broken out.

Note that IC includes Azure, GitHub, and for some godforsaken reason SQL and Windows Server.

Their revenues were impacted by several factors beyond COVID19.

* their "stop paying us so much money, idiots" initiative: theverge.com/2020/4/14/2121…

* their forgetting to check the "Subscribe and Save" box and running out of cloud: theregister.co.uk/2020/03/24/azu…

They're streaming their earnings call via @MicrosoftTeams.

Their web player has the hold music audio cutting in and out, while chewing my CPU to death in Firefox.

This feels about right for Teams.

Microsoft also saw 14.7% growth in their "More Personal Computing" section. No breakdown yet on their "Incredibly Personal Computing" teledildonics division.

Something to note: Microsoft's "Intelligent Cloud" division revenue of $12.28 billion beats AWS's last-quarter revenue of $9.95 billion, but it's NOT apples to apples.

For example, a good chunk of those IC workloads are running in AWS.

Ooh, the call is starting. Let's tune in and see @satyanadella suffer the slings and arrows of various analyst questions.

(I make a lot of jokes, but Satya's probably the most polished speaker I've ever seen in person.)

"Double digit topline and bottomline revenue last quarter." --@satyanadella Now talking about COVID19's impact. We'll see if he's about to turn it into a marketing campaign the way that Google did yesterday.

Talking now about @Microsoft365's growth, which used to be Office365 until they decided to stop letting @awscloud dominate the market for stupid product names.

"We saw more than 200 million people join meetings" that should have been emails.

"A number of world-leading companies are choosing Microsoft365, such as" and then fails to name any world-leading companies. I'm too polite to report what he did name instead.

"Security remains a strategic priority for every organization" because who the hell wouldn't give that answer when asked.

The truth as measured by "where companies put money" tells a very different story.

Hahahah oh my god he just mentioned Bridgewater as investing in "Zero Trust environments."

This is funny, as Bridgewater famously records every meeting on video and is reportedly incredibly cutthroat. businessinsider.com/what-its-like-…

"COMPANY is using Dynamics365 commerce to rapidly move to more intelligent distribution and fulfillment models" says @satyanadella, demonstrating that you can indeed use a lot of words to say absolutely nothing another human can understand.

Now talking about @linkedin as if it weren't abandoned and left to rot for the last decade.

It could have been so much more; it's the de facto résumé for the modern workforce, so why is it so awful?

"We've been doing a fantastic job attracting and retaining gamers" says @satyanadella.

"***** my **** you ****" replied a typical gamer when reached for comment.

"From BlackRock to CocaCola to Genesys" the vast majority of the world couldn't possibly give less of a crap about their IT approach.

"Office365" was just mentioned by their CFO, who will be sanctioned for going off-message.

Effective tax rate of 16%, in line with expectations.

"And now over to Outlook" which appears to have frozen my computer.

Predicting revenues for @azure. I wonder if those predictions assume they can meet demand...

Talking about their strong commitment to capital return.

Maybe build out a few more regions to something robust before you start cutting checks to your investors? Just spitballing here.

"@microsoftteams is about getting work done," feels like it's coming from the old @SlackHQ marketing back when "Slack is where work happens" was the story instead of "Slack is where we pretend we've been in favor of remote work all along."

"We've always approached @microsofteams from a perspective of user experience" and now I'm choking to death please send help.

"We want to win each layer on its own merits" says @satyanadella.

If that's true, then why make it artificially hard/expensive to run SQL Server on other cloud providers that aren't @azure?

You don't get to "win on your own merits" when playing nasty license games.

And that ends the call. Good quarter. Tune in tomorrow when I do this for Amazon's.

And as always: if you don't like it when I do this, you can take the company private.