Thread by @gshowitt

My good friend @Beardynoise said that I should rank all of the creatures in the Monster Manual by sex appeal. Well, I've done that. THREAD:

AARAKOCRA

Strong daddy energy. Beak makes kissing difficult but the MM says these guys are vagabond airborne communists, which is kind of hot. 6/10

ABOLETH

Not really into the lack of limbs or humanoid physiology but these dudes do some crazy dom mind-control shit, which I guess could work for some people. Also they helpfully infect you with a disease that lets you live underwater with them, 2/10

DEVA

Beautiful muscular boy with a gentle haircut and a mace that does 1d6+4D8+4 bludgeoning, which we can all agree is sexy as fuck. Honestly slightly too hot to be the 3rd monster. 8/10

PLANETAR

Their “celestial ears detect every falsehood,” which sounds exhausting when you’re making appropriate moaning noises in his ear so he can finish and you can go to sleep. Can also “let loose an insect plague” which, uh, nah. 4/10

SOLAR

Move over Deva - we just got ourselves an upgrade. This CR 21 slice of beefcake has a magical flying sword and a fine taste in pauldrons. Come to think of it I don’t know if angels have functional genitals, we should look that up 10/10

ANIMATED OBJECT

Just an elaborate fleshlight for bored wizards. 2/10

ANKHEG

PROS: Has a 30ft burrow speed, which has to come in useful. CONS: Spits acid 30ft when scared, angry or excited. 2/10

AZER

Can’t reproduce, which takes some of the worries out of the equation in certain cases; will pluck beautiful gems from the earth for you and forge them into works of art. Dummy thicc but head is on fire so that’s maybe a deal-breaker. 6/10

BANSHEE

You know? I like a woman with an intact face. Call me old-fashioned, but there it is. 5/10

BASILISK

Weirdly cute, but turns you to stone if you meet its gaze. Which I guess means time for some kinky blindfold play! Into it. 6/10

BEHIR

Looks like an eel got ideas above its station. Don’t give a shit. 2/10

BEHOLDER

I dunno how you’d do this thing. Like fucking a beachball that wants to kill and eat you. Not my scene. 1/10

BLIGHT

Vine Blight can fucking get it, don’t @ me 8/10

BUGBEAR

Eyebrows are maybe a bit much but it’s nice to have a medium-sized creature that you can climb like a tree, you know? Let’s see what you’ve got going on under that loincloth, big man. 7/10

BULETTE

You don’t fuck the bulette. You adopt the bulette and make friends with it and feed it villagers or some shit. The bulette is pure and incorruptible. N/A / 10

BULLYWUG

“Always hungry and thoroughly evil,” these monarchist pricks are devoted to elaborate murder schemes and impressing their rulers. Looks like he’d talk at length about tedious politics. 1/10

CAMBION

Immensely fuckable half-demons that make regular tieflings look like mayonnaise sandwiches. Tribal tattoos are a bit much but, hey, it was 2002, we all made mistakes. 9/10

CARRION CRAWLER

This is a big horrible centipede that both lives in and eats corpses. 1/10

CENTAUR

More cock than you'd know what to do with, really, but I’m sure we can work something out. 9/10

CHIMERA

I don’t feel comfortable having sex with a chimera; if you strap a dragon head and a lion head and wings to a sheep and fuck it, on some level, you’re still fucking a sheep. 1/10

CHUUL

“Perfectly obedient,” which is kind of hot in the right circles, but that perfect obedience is undermined somewhat by the fact that it’s a huge evil lobster. And it has tentacles! Not great. 3/10

CLOAKER

Sort of an airborne stingray that completely envelops you. Listed actions include “Bite” and “Moan.” Not my cup of tea but if you’re into it, you’re into it. 3/10

COCKATRICE

Cockatrice? Cock-a-NICE more like, am I right? I’m not. If you put your dick in this thing odds are you’ll turn to stone bellend first. 1/10

COUATL

“Couatls are benevolent serpentine beings of great intellect and insight,” which sounds like another way of saying “Couatls are too good for you.” Love the feathers though. 6/10

CRAWLING CLAW

“A crawling claw can easily feel out the contours of keys and doorknobs.” Why don’t you come and feel out the contours of MY keys and doorknob, you dig? Also: sexy choking, easily portable. 5/10

CYCLOPS

Doesn’t understand the concept of winking, which makes it difficult to flirt with. Nice big lad though. 6/10

DARKMANTLE

A sort of ceiling octopus which looks exactly like a stalactite until it drops on your head. Could be hot but it doesn’t obtain consent first; not my bag. 2/10

DEATH KNIGHT

Excellent fashion sense but cursed to rise from the dead and slay the living unless redeemed, so unless you like a fixer-upper, probably a one night stand sort of affair. 6/10

DEMILICH

Love a man with jewelry. Also love a man with an intact body, though, so points lost there. 2/10

BALOR

(Still in alphabetical order; these next few are D for Demon)

Love the Balrog cosplay, although whether or not I’d encourage it in the bedroom is yet to be seen. Otherwise, muscular dadbod, let’s talk. 6/10

BARLGURA

Honking massive orangutan demon with fists like angry hams. Not marriage material, really, and devoted to hanging out in packs and littering the place with skulls. 4/10

CHASME

Giant fly crossed with a human that generates a “horrid droning sound” with its wings that makes you fall unconscious, plus its probsicis reduces your maximum hit points. Also: terrible hair. 1/10

DRETCH

Literal demon shit. 1/10

GLABREZU

Big arms for pinning you against hard, unyielding surfaces; small arms for unbuttoning your shirt while you’re there. Tremendous. 8/10

GORISTRO

Like a minotaur but less attractive? Poor show. Looks like something that didn’t make it into DOOM (2016). Would not bang. 2/10

HEZROU

This guy puts the “horny” back into “horny toad,” and he can put the hezrou back into me, if you know that I mean! Just kidding: he smells so bad he makes you pass out. 1/10

MANES

Like a beardless dwarf that’s gone off. 1/10

MARILITH

The only demon so far that’s learned proper hair care, so that’s something. Lower half is a snake, which detracts somewhat, but I’m willing to work it out. 7/10

NALFESHNEE

Bad teeth. Dorky wings. Does something called a “HORROR NIMBUS” which really isn’t the sort of thing you want kicking off when you’re trying to get comfortable. 3/10

QUASIT

Zero redeeming features. Thankfully the Quasit is Tiny sized so you can easily yeet the little fucker into a hedge and get on with your day. 1/10

SHADOW DEMON

Painfully unoriginal, mopes about the flat all day, insists you listen to Ambient Doom, legs are ghosts. 3/10

VROCK

You can give a vulture forearms, intelligence 7 and the ability to “emit spores,” but at the end of the day, it’s still a vulture and you shouldn’t fuck vultures. 0/10

YOCHLOL

I don’t get it. It’s a tree that’s made out of custard and it kills you. Apparently it can turn into a spider and a mist too, but this is the form it chose to have its picture taken in. 1/10

BARBED DEVIL

Looks like it smells of onions. 2/10

BEARDED DEVIL

Here we fucking go! Nice big purple lad in a skirt, and what’s more, his beard is prehensile and can touch you all over while he does mouth stuff to you. (It’s also poisonous, but I’m taking what I can get with the devils.) 7/10

BONE DEVIL

Kind of a Dark Souls vibe, which I can dig. Also is driven by “hate, lust and anger,” and one out of three ain’t bad, right? 3/10

CHAIN DEVIL

This ripped hunk of bastard is wearing chain underwear and can animate chains, which is hot, but also all his weapons are chains and his hat is a chain, and he talks about chains all day. Chain/10

ERINYES

More like ErinYES PLEASE, am I right? Ha ha. Nah, they look like the sort of thing that a particular kind of Scandinavian Exceptionalist would like to fuck in the woods. Nice lipstick tho. 6/10

HORNED DEVIL

Can’t get past the lack of a nose. 2/10

ICE DEVIL

Ice devils “work ceaselessly towards promotion,” and no-one likes a suck-up. Also, they’re giant frozen insects, which has a niche appeal at best. 3/10

IMP

Kind of a more evil goblin? Lithe, muscular body but is a little under a foot tall so, you know, bit weird. 2/10

LEMURE

Vaguely animate wax that mumbles incessantly. 1/10

PIT FIEND

Kind of handsome, in a maw-y sort of way. Nice big tail. Management position. Lots to like! 8/10

SPINED DEVIL

Kinda cute, but looks painful to get to know, if you know what I mean. 3/10

DINOSAURS

All dinosaurs are given 5/10 because a) they’re cool but b) they’re dinosaurs. They really shouldn’t be in D&D any more.

DISPLACER BEAST

Weirdly fuckable! Lots of abs. Too many abs? We’ll find out. 7/10

DOPPELGANGER

The Boyfriend Brochure equivalent of “I wish for infinite wishes.” Dull. Cheating. Next. 5/10

DRACOLICH

On the plus side: powerful magician. On the negative side: a big dead rotting dragon powered by hate. Lots to think about there. 3/10

DRAGON

There are about two hundred kinds of dragon in this book and they’re all about 3/10.

DRIDER

What’s not to like? Well, the bottom half that’s a giant spider, for one. Also the fact that they live miles underground and are irrevocably evil. But the top half is pretty hot, right? 5/10

DRYAD

Classic fuckmonster, originally invented to explain away people wanting to have sex with trees. And who can blame them? Me. Don’t get dick splinters. Dryads are so last century. 6/10

DUERGAR

There’s one thing you need to know about Duergar: every single man-jack of them (dwarf-jack?) innately knows the spell Enlarge, which does exactly what you think it does, and that covers a multitude of grumpy sins. 7/10

AIR ELEMENTAL

Looks like a wingey little fuck to be honest; but I guess it could blow all up your skirts and trousers and excite you therein, which scores it a couple of points. 3/10

EARTH ELEMENTAL

Reassuringly hefty, like a fridge you can kiss. As with all elementals, the earth elemental is a single-minded servitor entity which means conversation is going to be lacking at best. Plus, who wants to fuck rocks? 4/10

FIRE ELEMENTAL

This isn’t like those sexy flame atronachs from Oblivion; this is just some fire that’s also angry. 2/10

WATER ELEMENTAL

Probably the best elemental to attempt intercourse with due to the fact that it’s made out of animate fluid, but the least humanoid, so them’s the breaks. Could warm it up beforehand for a more comfortable experience. 4/10

DROW

Cartoonishly evil elves with monochrome black skin that live underground and fuck spiders. Convinced they’re hot shit. Doesn’t do it for me, but at least they’ve got the right number of arms and legs, so points there. 6/10

EMPYREAN

Immortal god-children who are “universally beautiful, statuesque, and self-assured.” Sound like a lot of hard work to be honest; I like lovers as confused and riddled with self-loathing as me. Nice and big though. 7/10

ETTERCAP

Kind of a fat humanoid spider with the wrong number of legs. They farm spiders the way that we farm bees, presumably producing some sort of disgusting honey. Really not my scene. 2/10

ETTIN

Ettins are two-headed behemoths, and their name translates to “ugly giant” in ancient dialects of Common, which I’m pretty sure makes it a slur. Anyway: two heads are better than one, am I right? It’s like a threesome every time! 6/10

FAERIE DRAGON

Don’t fuck mischevious cat-sized dragons. I’m not the boss of you, but: don’t do it. It’s weird. Faerie dragons do however exhale a form of aerosolized MDMA, so keep one around for that ettin gangbang. N/A /10

FLAMESKULL

I like the flameskull; you get everything you need to know about it in the name. It’s a flaming skull. Wouldn’t fuck it though. 1/10

FLUMPH

Come on, man. Not flumphs. Leave flumphs alone. N/A / 10

FORMORIAN

Not great looking, but dude is ripped, so he’s got that going for him. You could do worse! You could do worse. 3/10

FUNGI

I’m not going to judge you on this one. You want to fuck a mushroom, you be my guest. I’d pick one that doesn’t scream (Shrieker) or explode (Gas Spore) or rot your cock clean off (Violet Fungus) but, you know, you do you. 1/10

GALEB DUHR

Hey little fella! You want a smooch? Galeb Duhrs are earth elementals without the drama, and when they want to be left alone, they can turn into rocks. Establishing boundaries is important. 5/10

GARGOYLE

Gargoyles exist purely because the Prince of Elemental Earth doesn’t like the Elemental Plane of Air and sends his rocky children to flap about up there. Manky rock dudes, smooth like a Ken doll, we’re good here. 2/10

DAO

Earth genies. The Dao are really big into slavery. Same as with Tories: don’t fuck a slaver. (If this invalidates any previous scores, I don’t care.) Nice togs though. 3/10

DJINNI

Your classic “three wishes” type of genie. I got a wish for you: put down the sword and push that lovely big bushy beard all up in my business, mate! 8/10

EFREETI

Fire genies. These guys like are big into slavery too, and despite his impressive build and nice clothes, duder here’s got a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp, so it’s a no from me. 2/10

MARID

Wet genies. Dicks, but not slavers, so they’ve got that going for them at least? Can’t say I’m into the whole “angler fish” thing, but they get an extra point for respecting human rights. 3/10

GHOST

I don’t know whether my standards are slipping or if this ghost is actually hot, but: this ghost is actually pretty hot, it seems like! Neck damage is a problem but nobody’s perfect. 8/10

GHOUL

Got a Mummy Returns vibe off this guy, and I’m sure that tongue could *do things* if you know what I mean. I’ll take it. Sure, a single scratch could paralyse you and turn you into a ghoul, but that’s why you use protection. 7/10

GIANT

There are six kinds of giant, and: the taller they get, the classier they get, and honestly the daddier and the more fuckable. Cloud giants in particular live in opulent skybound palaces and they can definitely get it. 3/10 - 9/10

GIBBERING MOUTHER

So many mouths! A roiling orchard of erotic pleasures. A protean landscape of bacchanalian fuck locations. It even transforms the area around it into “doughlike difficult terrain,” which sounds comfy as hell to me. 11/10

GITHYANKI/GITHZERAI

These funny-lookin’ guys got enslaved by mind flayers centuries ago and since they broke free they either become pirates (cool but evil) or monks (boring). They’re all innately psychic, and what’s more, I don’t give a fuck about them. 4/10 I guess

GNOLL

Love it! Humans can get boring from the shoulders up, so why not replace that bit with the equivalent bit of a hyena? In D&D gnolls all worship a demon lord but I reckon that’s just propaganda. 8/10

DEEP GNOME (SVIRFNEBLIN)

How YOU doing, Svirfneblin? 8/10

GOBLIN

I don’t normally think of goblins as sexy creatures; they’re more like green children you’re allowed to kill. But this guy here’s a little snack, isn’t he? Let’s get you some trousers, mate, it’ll be like My Fair Lady in here. 6/10

GOLEMS

There are four kinds of golem and I don’t want to fuck any of them. 1/10

GORGON

A big iron bull that’s filled with a horrible gas that turns you to stone. It’s so tough that it eats rocks - rocks that used to be people! I’m good. No thanks. 1/10

GRELL

This is the most D&D shit available; a floating brain with paralysing tentacles and a fucking beak for some reason. Grells are Int 12, which is higher than most people, so at least you can talk to it about Proust and that. 2/10

GRICK

It’s a big worm. It’s got a beak and tentacles, again. Can’t even put a hat on this guy to lend him some charm - it’d fall off. 1/10

GRIFFON

On one hand - it’s a dumb animal. On the other hand - it’s about as majestic as dumb animals get, being one half lion and one half giant eagle. It should have a crown on. So if you’re tempted, I get it, is what I’m saying. 3/10

GRIMLOCK

Grimlocks leave piles of shit on their doorstep so when people tread in them they can smell them coming. This alone is enough to disqualify them, and then when you take the hair and fur-diaper into account, I’m ruling them out entirely. 1/10

GREEN HAG

The great thing about Green Hags is that they can magically disguise themselves to look as hot as they like, but it doesn’t hold up to physical inspection. At least they’re the most attractive hag available. 5/10

NIGHT HAG

“While a humanoid sleeps, a night hag can straddle the person ethereally and intrude upon its dreams.” Why don’t you bring that nasty fivehead over here and straddle ME ethereally, hot stuff? 4/10

SEA HAG

Has a special ability called “Horrific Appearance” which means that she’s so unattractive you need to pass a Will Save to come within 30ft of her. Mechanically the least sexy thing in the game. 1/10

HALF-DRAGON

These are just strong dudes with interestingly-textured faces, which is fine by me. Bored of pliable faces. Give me something I could take a charcoal rubbing of. 7/10

HARPY

I love a woman who can sing, and harpies are famous for that, so points there. Hands and feet are claws, but aside from that, weirdly hot. Maybe I’ve been doing this for too long. 8/10

HELL HOUND

Yeah, I’ve definitely been doing this for too long. 7/10

HELMED HORROR

An upgraded animated object with an “unswerving loyalty” towards its creator, which is really what you want from a sex doll that you’ve given a sword to. No middle bit, though, which I’d argue you need. 3/10

HIPPOGRIFF

“A beast whose magical origins are lost to history,” says the MM, as if anyone gives a shit. Just a griffon with the lion bit swapped for a horse. Don’t care. 2/10

HOBGOBLIN

Loving the stylistic choices on the armour here; rare you see someone flying the colours of the Bisexual Flag on their battle gear. Nice hair too. 6/10

HOMUNCULUS

Homunculi are both a cross between a bat and a goblin and a sort of fleshy webcam that you can send off to look at things on your behalf. Either way: don’t put your dick in it. N/A / 10

HOOK HORROR

Hook Horrors have a “complex language” developed by clicking their hooks against the walls and their exoskeletons, which is all well and good, but you don’t speak it and they want to tear you to shreds. 1/10

HYDRA

Got to presume that each of the heads has a different personality, likes, dislikes, dreams, turn-ons, etc. Exhausting. 2/10

INTELLECT DEVOURER

Aw, hey there! Isn’t it cute? Intellect Devourers like to teleport inside people’s skulls, eat their brains, and then control the body. Which means: a versatile lover. 6/10

INVISIBLE STALKER

Actually invisible; not just a cool name. Gotta give me something to work with here. 1/10

JACKALWERE

You know? Shave and a haircut, bit of product, brush his teeth, we could be on to something here. 6/10

KENKU

Kenku are fucking great and I’d be honoured to have one as a boyfriend. They used to get bonuses to Aid Another, too, which implies excellent group sex. 9/10

KOBOLD

Did I miss the memo where kobolds went from being scraggly arse-end doglizards into ripped little gentlemen? Wild. Dude needs some trousers but we’re getting somewhere. 5/10

KRAKEN

I’m not one to body-shame, as this list should prove, but there’s just too much of the Kraken to know what to do with. Sorry, Kraken. Doubt you’d notice me anyway. 1/10

KUO-TOA

LOOK AT THIS DUDE. Fucking great. Ready for anything. Top drawer. Marriage material. 10/10

LAMIA

“Lamia” also refers to a woman made from a shitload of beetles in disguise, so at least this kind has a cool lion-style undercarriage. Could ride her around the countryside for picnics. Nice. 7/10

LICH

“A lich is a gaunt and skeletal humanoid with withered flesh stretched tight across its bones.” Not great, but at least they own their own lairs, and in this economy that’s nothing to be sniffed at. 3/10

LIZARDFOLK

This Lizard can Folk me for as long as he wants, if you know what I mean! Positives: stacked, cool head ridge, can hold his breath for “15 minutes.” Negatives: cloaca. 6/10

WEREBEAR

This just looks like a bear, which I’m not super into, but you might be. Unlike all other lycanthropes, werebears are Good, which is nice; apparently the virus comes with a morality attached. 5/10

WEREBOAR

Wereboars appreciate the value of a good set of capris and a leather vest, as we can see. Not bad. Face could be better. 4/10

WERERAT

You’d think that the wererat would have a tail, wouldn’t you? Maybe it’s stuck in those trousers. Bit skinny for me, also doubtlessly riddled with disease. 3/10

WERETIGER

Oh *hell* yeah. Who’s this tall drink of Frosties? Love the matching cape and loincloth. Like a Rakshasha but his hands are on the right way round. Big fan. 9/10

WEREWOLF

This one’s got a face like a Buffy vampire and a ratty old toga. Wereboar’s got a whole fashion line going on, mate! Get your act together. 4/10

MAGMIN

It’s a child that’s on fire: two good reasons not to get off with it. N/A / 0

MANTICORE

In mythology, Manticores would hide in long grass to cover everything aside from the top 2/3rds of their heads, which is kind of hilarious when you imagine it. In D&D, they’re basically angry flying siege crossbows. 1/10

MEDUSA

You wonder how she manages to look so well put-together without the ability to look in a mirror. Anyway: stylin’, great physique, cool crown, petrification a slight downside. 9/10

MEPHIT

Mephits are nasty little elemental trash monsters and I’m not going to put my dick in any of them in case they run off with it. 1/10

MERFOLK

Merfolk “rely on the light of bioluminescent fauna, whose slow pulsing movements lend their settlemens an otherworldly aesthetic.” Baby, you had me at “slow pulsing movements.” 7/10

MERROW

Just evil Merfolk, who have to be absolute munters for some reason. They “eat any edible creature that crosses their path,” but at least they manage to stay in shape, so at least there’s that. 5/10

MIMIC

I’m sure someone out there wants to have sex with treasure chests - dwarves, probably - and a mimic is a straight upgrade on that. But: they instinctively secrete a powerful adhesive, which is the opposite of what you want. Swings and roundabouts. 3/10

MIND FLAYER

Ultimate doms, in that they seem to have psychically enslaved half of the races in this goddamn book. However: they take orders from giant brains, and there’s no room for a lover in that relationship. 5/10

MINOTAUR

Classic. I respect the Minotaur so much that I’m not even going to make the obvious “horny” joke and just focus on exploring those jaunty leather shorts. 9/10

MODRON

Modrons are jolly little cogfairies and broadly incapable of independent thought, which puts us back into over-complicated fleshlight territory. Cute though. 3/10

MUMMY

Jeez, this isn’t even a fresh-looking *mummy.* Standard attack is a “rotting fist” which curses you to turn to dust. All round, not a fun sexual experience. 1/10

MYCONID

I’m not into the spores or the little holes, but I’m digging this dude’s confidence. Plus they can release “rapport spores” which is both a decent pun and allows telepathy. Considerate! 5/10

NAGA

Big intelligent snakes with human-ish faces that can cast spells. The quote from a Naga comes from one called “Explicita Defilus” which is the most DeviantArt shit available. 2/10

NIGHTMARE

I don’t wanna fuck horses. But: if I had to? I’d probably be this cool-looking one. Plus it can grant Fire Resistance to anyone it wants, which is very useful if you’re getting busy. 4/10

NOTHIC

Not only is it a bit hard to look at, but the Nothic can magically intuit a damaging secret about anyone within 30ft. That’s not what you want from a relationship. 2/10

OGRE

Ogres are “legendarily stupid,” and while I wouldn’t go so far as to call myself a sapiosexual, I like a man that can count above 10. 3/10

ONI

Onis eat children, which is bad, but: they’ve got a kind of yoga teacher thing going on with those trousers, which I can work with. There’s too many children around anyway. 6/10

GELATINOUS CUBE

A perfect lover - a transparent cube that can engulf you entirely. Six sides of delectable membrane to explore. No troublesome extremities, hair, personalities or preferences. 11/10

MISCELLANEOUS OOZES

Look, man. I’ll fuck a demon horse. Maybe even a teleporting six-legged panther. But the jellies and puddings are a bridge too far for me; feels fetishy, and not in a good way. 1/10

ORCS

Unfairly maligned for too long; orcs can definitely get it. I’m gonna work out how to kiss a dude with tusks and then we’ll go from there. 7/10

OTYUGH

Hard to pronounce and harder to spell, the otyugh lives in gross piles of rotting garbage. I can’t imagine that they even fancy *each other,* let alone getting my head around inter-species romance. 0/10

OWLBEAR

Half owl, half bear, all murder. If you make love to an owlbear, you’ve got my respect, at least. And probably one less arm than you started with. 2/10

PEGASUS

The Pegasus looks fucking insufferable. Give me that flaming horse beefcake any day. In fact, retroactively bump up the Nightmare score by two points. 3/10

PERYTON

Woah! Lots going on with this guy. Horns? Multicoloured wings? Deer face? Love it. However: they have to pluck out and eat a human heart before they fuck. Hard to manage. 3/10

PIERCER

… Nah. 0/10

PIXIE

On the plus side: conventionally attractive. However, she’s less than a foot tall, so… I dunno. Maybe get me a shrinking spell? Or her a growing spell. Anyway, too much work. 7/10

PSEUDODRAGON

Basically a cat that looks like a dragon. Get your dick out of it. N/A / 10

PURPLE WORM

I can’t fathom being attracted to the Purple Worm, but: hey, you want it, you go for it. Guess you gotta make more purple worms somehow. ?/10

QUAGGOTH

Underground cannibal yetis. Kind of into the overall bigness. Their shamans are called “Quaggoth Thonot,” which is a stupid name and loses them points. 5/10

RAKSHASA

Evil tigerboys with backward hands. Monumentally cruel, but: damn, those shoes though! Best-dressed chaps in the whole book. 9/10

REMORHAZ

You know, I’m nearly done with this process, and I’m beginning to wish that I’d put in a rule that anything of intelligence 5 or less is ruled out due to Bestiality. Too late now. This is a giant centipede that both burns and freezes you. 0/10

REVENANT

Kind of handsome. Bit dead, but we all liked The Crow, right? 7/10

ROC

Just a huge bird. Far too big. 2/10

ROPER

Ah! Who could resist the lure of an animate stalagmite? Six questing tendrils, pulling you towards that enormous mouth! A gullet full of platinum and gemstones! A single beautiful eye! Tremendous. 11/10

RUST MONSTER

Pretty cute! But, you know, it’s basically a dog that eats swords. Maybe don’t. 1/10

SAHUAGIN

Dude is *ripped,* and I’m digging the sort of lampshade skirt he’s wearing, but that face is a real turn-off. They can telepathically command sharks, which I imagine they never shut up about. 3/10

SALAMANDERS

These dudes are “living forges,” inflicting 2D6 fire damage on anyone within 5ft, so one can only imagine the damage it’d do to your bits. 2/10

SATYR

Handsome, pleasantly hairy, cool horns, can spontaneously generate parties by tooting on their panpipes. I don’t think the hooves *improve* him, really, but definitely not a dealbreaker. 9/10

SCARECROW

Not exactly a looker, but easily modifiable with the addition or subtraction of straw, cloth, etc. 3/10

SHADOW

Just a shadow. Can’t fuck it even if you wanted to, and I’m betting you don’t want to. 1/10

SHAMBLING MOUND

Such fecund delights! An ambulatory compost heap, writhing with welcoming insects and worms, a thousand limbs and orifices just waiting for your touch. Plus it’s recharged by lightning, for some reason! 11/10

SHIELD GUARDIAN

Solely devoted to guarding its master, so unless that’s you, there’s not much to be had in the way of conversation. Plus zero canonical genitals, so. 2/10

SKELETON

Poor old skeleton. Dude deserves to be at least brushed down before he has his picture taken, right? Maybe polish his bones, new pair of shoes, etc. Not fair. 5/10

SLAAD

Chaos toadmen that don’t breed normally, and instead inject horrible eggs under the skin of people they attack with their claws. Which is pretty niche, and too rich for my blood. 2/10

SPECTRE

Ripped, again! Where are these guys going to the gym? Also zero nips, and I don’t know whether that happened before death or if it’s something that the spectreisation process does. 5/10

ANDROSPHINX

FUCK YEAH. Like grown-up Simba from the Lion King, but with jewelry and dope-ass wings. I’ll say it: Lions, especially this one, are handsome. 9/10

GYNOSPHINX

Cool hair, but she seems entirely done with this shit. I’m just imagining her looking at my naked form like that, and it doesn’t feel good. 6/10

SPRITE

You have to wonder why they put Sprites in the MM; they do 1 damage per attack, have 2 hit points, and you could probably end up killing them accidentally by sitting on them or some shit. Same goes for the act of lovemaking. 6/10

STIRGE

Jesus, even by the standards of the awful beasts in this book, the Stirge is spectacular grim. Apparently it’s got a 40ft fly speed, which I refuse to believe unless it’s flying directly downwards. 0/10

SUCCUBUS/INCUBUS

You ever think about how many of these monsters have on arm-wrappings for no particular reason? It’s been bothering me. Anyway these underwear model siblings are tremendously attractive but they won’t love me like the Kuo-Toa would. 9/10

TARRASQUE

There’s only one of it, and it can never die, so it probably doesn’t have much time for breeding. It probably doesn't even understand what sex is. Best of luck to you. 2/10

THRI-KREEN

Psionic mantis lads who are unable to talk or sleep and die at thirty. Eh. 3/10

TREANT

Hoom hoom! This big fella has eyebrows, somehow, which I like. And multiple arms with which to undress me and pull me off in the woods behind my house. 6/10

TROGLODYTE

Trogs smell so bad that you have to pass a Fort save to come within 5ft of them or else become poisoned. On the good side, if you pass that save you’ve got an hour of immunity - so get to it, champ. 4/10

TROLL

You know? I reckon this is one of the best-looking trolls I’ve seen. He’s no oil painting and you’ve got to wonder what the loin cloth is all about, but I dig the hair. 3/10

UMBER HULK

If you look directly into the Umber Hulk’s eyes and fail a D15 Will save, you become confused and act in an unpredictable fashion, and we’re all that way around people we fancy sometimes. I get it. 4/10

UNICORN

Looks insufferable, like all other celestial creatures. “I know I’m hot shit,” it’s saying, with that eyebrow. Don’t give a horse eyebrows. They don’t need them. 4/10

VAMPIRE

Well, obviously. 10/10

WATER WEIRD

You can make an evil Water Weird non-evil with a Purify Food And Drink spell, which implies you can drink a Water Weird, which I’m kind of into. 3/10

WIGHT

You gotta have a nose! You just gotta have a nose. 3/10

WILL-O’-WISP

The Will-O’-Wisp “can’t carry or wear anything,” which means it’s always scandalously naked. It’s also always an ephemeral sphere of light, which is hard to… do things to. 1/10

WRAITH

“While in sunlight, the wraith has disadvantage on attack rolls,” so if you’re going to take this murderous undead monster on a date, do it to the park on a nice sunny day to reduce your chance of dying by half. 1/10

WYVERN

Shit dragon. 2/10

XORN

Xorn eat precious stones and metals with their big weird mouths, and unlike most of the things in here they’re not a) idiots or b) evil, you at least you know what to get them for your anniversary. Kinda cute. 4/10

YETI

Feeling it. Love the confidence, love the horns. Probably got a sledgehammer dong under all that fur. 7/10

YUAN-TI

Look at this cheeky little fuck! Come on over here mate, let’s have a glass of wine and figure out what’s going on with that cloaca. 8/10

YUGOLOTH

Fiendish mercenaries who are neither demons NOR devils and manage, somehow, to be less interesting than either. I don’t especially want to put my dick in any of them. (Maybe the Fox-Headed Lawyer. Maybe.) 4/10

ZOMBIE

Not a fan. You know how skeletons have resistance to slashing and piercing damage? Why don’t zombies get that too? There’s a skeleton in there, surely. Anyway: I like guts to be on the inside, thanks very much. 1/10

That's it! There are some generic beasts and NPCs in the back of the book, but I can't come up with any jokes about them.

This thread has been brought to you by my current lack of a long-term creative project.

Much love.