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Extracts from the plague diary of Mark ne-Francois-Pepys

May 18th

Up and following the scandal of Lord Keir Farmer buying his aging mother a field and there fielding retired mules for her to tend, and the nation rightly vexed, my mind with strange visions plaguing so I spake:
‘When my cue comes, call me, and I will answer. My next is “Most fair Patriot.” Heigh-ho! Hartley-Brewer? Harry Cole the bollocks-sender? Vine the stinker? Oakshott? God’s my life, stol'n hence, and public discourse asleep? I have had a most rare vision.
I have had a dream—past the wit of man to say what dream it was. Man is but an ass if he go about to expound this dream. Methought I was—an ass in Keir Farmer’s field. Methought I was, and methought I heard – a foot-sucking hackiographer write about it.
The eye of man hath not heard, the ear of man hath not seen, man’s hand is not able to taste, his tongue to conceive, nor his heart to report what this shit is. I will get Harry Cole to write a ballad of this dream. It shall be called “Coxcomb's Dream” because
it shall be writ by one. And I will sing it in the latter end of a tweet before the web. Peradventure, to make it the more salient, I shall sing it as testimony to his life's work, at his death.’
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Mark ne-Francois-pas MP
@MarkFrancois12
Extracts from the plague diary of Mark ne-Francois-Pepys

May 12th

Up betimes, and that I may not see my family unless they be my cleaner and I may play rugby so long as not with my cleaner, I committed an act of thespionage with some oft-overlooked Shakespeare:

1/7
To meet, or not to meet, that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in this bind to suffer
The spin and slogans of outrageous caution,
Or to take germs against a sea of boredom
And by visiting share them.
To die—to sleep,
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The Homes under the Hammer and Countdown
That flesh is heir to: ‘tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish’d. To die, to sleep;
To Bargain Hunt no more—ay, there's the rub:
Read 7 tweets
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Mark ne-Francois-pas MP
@MarkFrancois12
Extracts from the plague diary of Mark ne-Francois-Pepys

May 11th

Up betimes, well ahead of the ‘Stay Alert’ curve that I haven’t been to sleep after fifteen cans of Monster, and in over-stimulated agitation watching Slogan’s Run, a dystopian fiction about the remnants

1/8
of a human civilisation that franchised it’s future to a catchphrase generator. At morning victual of further Monster went about ‘Taking control’ of the plague by gathering the used tissues and uncleansed chamber pots about my bed wherein a virus might dwell,

2/
and with Peperami under arm and Sgt Major like authority did scream ‘tenshun’, ‘and ‘don’t multiply at the double’ at it, but dissatisfied to see with what secret cunning and variety of artifice the virus heeds me not and plainly sits in a smouldering heap, and so I

3/
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Mark ne-Francois-pas MP
@MarkFrancois12
Extracts from the plague diary of Mark ne-Francois-Pepys

May 10th 1665

At Nerf in the garden all the morning, where very busy, and at noon dinner of eggs patriot, being full of desire to see presenting of a new online play this afternoon “Back to the Fuhrer” staring

1/7
Nigel Farage, the first time it is acted; where, by 2pm, the server infinite full with Patriots like Bill Cash and pundits like Gary Lineker and liberal wishy-washys like Brian Moore. By and by the play begun, and as to the contrivance, is almost the same as Back to The Future
2/
but that Farage did play spleeny benevolence vacuum Nigel J Pox, demonising outsiders who have naught from his pleasant vantage on the very White Cliffs of Dover, that it might further his hollow political ends. In this way it is similar to Shakespeare’s The Merchant of Malice
3/
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