It seemed clear as day, saying it all out loud as someone listened, that Namjoon had fallen for Yoongi back then.
And now here Namjoon was, two years later, cat on his lap, wishing he could take it all back.
"Ruin them?"
"But being a human, and being alive, it's so beautiful too. There are so many things in this world that hurt, and so many things in this world that make the pain bearable. Sometimes, those things can be so tiny or strange, and that's okay."
"Don't forget your homework!"
"I won't!"
And Namjoon had flipped the switch in the wrong direction, he could see that now.
Hoseok watched on with silent awe, as Namjoon devoured a whole plate, before ordering a second, spilling syrup all over the sliced bananas and berries.
"Hungry, hey?"
"You have no idea," Namjoon mumbled, mouth full.
"I feel like I've just hiked up and down a mountain," Namjoon whined. "My body even hurts too."
"Aw."
"What did she suggest?" Hoseok was intrigued, slurping at his milkshake.
"Uhh, things like swimming, and pottery and stuff."
"Anything else?"
"Uhh... walking through nature?"
This caught Hoseok's attention.
"That's reassuring."
"All of us?"
Yoongi?
Hoseok smiled softly, sadness flicking in his eyes, as if he knew exactly what Namjoon was thinking.
"Yeah, all of us."
He had to ask.
"Will Yoongi be there?"
"That's... really sad."
"Yeah, it is..."
"What will you do, if he is there?"
"I really don't know," Namjoon sighed, pulling away his cafe apron, shoving it into his bag. "Not fuck him again, that's for sure."
"That's a wise plan."
"I'm sure you'll get your chance to get it all out," Hoseok was sleepy, Namjoon could tell. "I'm sure."
Because Yoongi wasn't there at Seokjin's house, come Saturday.
And then Namjoon spotted Jungkook, on a sun chair, in his giant black clothes, listening to music, eyes closed.
"Hey Hobi, Joon, nice to see you guys again."
"Ah," Jungkook scratched at his fluffy hair, shrugging. "Not today, I sprained a finger, I can't get the bandages wet."
"Again?"
"...yeah..."
Someone tugged his sleeve.
"Nah, I was gonna go for a walk, check out the woods."
Jungkook paused, looking nervous, before continuing.
"Can... c-can I join you? I know some c-cool places in there."
Namjoon almost wanted to say no.
By the time they reached the edge of the woodlands, Namjoon had stripped from his cardigan, and Jungkook was tying up his hair.
Jungkook laughed, suddenly aged from pulling the hair from his face, looking handsome, glistening with sweat.
"We can always turn back?"
"Can't argue with that."
Jungkook was the first to speak.
Namjoon blinked in surprise.
"What?"
"I mean," Jungkook continued, fiddling with his earrings nervously. "About you and Yoongi hyung. I know he raps. I... I know he's Agust D."
"Oh."
"Yeah."
"All the blogs that r-review underground rap say you two are rivals."
"That's because we are."
"But... you love him, r-right?"
"Yeah... I do."
"Didn't it hurt?"
"Yes."
Jungkook was biting his lip, as silence filled the clearing, as they walked through soft grass, the the shade of tall trees.
Like he was waiting to say something important.
Namjoon was impatient.
"No one else knows, that Yoongi raps in secret," the younger boy whispered it, as if scared the others would be able to hear. "He didn't want us to know, I feel so g-guilty having found out, but... I... I don't think Yoongi is dating someone. I don't."
"What??"
"W-we just assumed, like, because he would go out once a month, s-stay the night somewhere, we assumed it was a boyfriend, he never said, we just--"
"Yoongi hyung never says anything, h-he's so closed off and private, we thought he had someone on the s-side, that he could only see once every so often, because h-his family are so... y'know--"
"I don't know, actually."
"You don't know, about Yoongi?"
Namjoon's chest felt ready to burst.
"I only know what he brings to the stage, and none of it is about his family."
Jungkook blinked, and blinked, and blinked.
"Holy shit, what?"
"Yeah. Like, rich rich. Yoongi hyung has never said it but... I don't think he gets on well w-with them, because of it."
That wasn't what he expected.
"Yoongi hyung is hard to read, but he always seems so tired," Jungkook looked so concerned, so sad. "We always worry about him so much."
"Yoongi didn't show up to the last rap battle," he admitted, sweating profusely, no longer because of the sunlight. "He always shows up, but this time... he didn't."
"Jin hyung says he's talked to Yoongi," Jungkook frowned. "But he's not come over since."
"No," Jungkook sounded so sure, brows furrowing. "Yoongi's family is protected and powerful, there's never been an instance of him being in danger."
"We've known Yoongi for a very long time, Namjoon... and we never knew about this other life--"
Jungkook winced.
"--I think you got too close to where he divides. I think he got s-scared."
His chest was aching with Jungkook's words, with the creeping realisation that Jungkook was probably right.
Agust D, and his pastel shadow.
Or was it the other way around?
Seokjin, Jungkook, Taehyung, Jimin – they loved Yoongi.
How lonely he must be.
Why can't I reach him?
Why can't I hold him and tell him it's gonna be alright?
Why did I fucking ruin everything?
It's not your fault.
Mistakes give us a chance to do better.
Namjoon remembered his homework.
List 10 tiny things that give you happiness.
He flinched as a raindrop hit his cheek.
Jungkook was at his side again, his big eyes wide with awe, joining Namjoon as they stared at the grey clouds. The leaves in the canopy above seemed to be shuddering in anticipation, another drop splattering into Namjoon's eyebrow.
“Wanna turn back?” Jungkook asked, blinking, as the rain started to fall properly, soaking Namjoon’s hair, his shirt, his hitched breath coming out as a sigh.
He didn’t want to. Not yet.
Namjoon sighed.
“Yeah, we better head back.”
“Uhh, tried to do a flip, landed funny. It’s okay though, I heal p-pretty fast.”
Namjoon raised a brow, drenched with rain, blinking it away from his lashes as they started on the trail back to Seokjin’s.
“Ah,” Jungkook looked so embarrassed, glancing away. “Yeah… I remember that.”
“That’s a long nickname. You’ll get tongue tied.”
Namjoon swallowed nervously.
“Oh?”
The fancy car that Yoongi got into that night –
Namjoon shuddered at the memory of it all.
Jungkook didn’t really say anything, just hummed in acknowledgement, Namjoon feeling awkward now, pulling at his wet shirt.
“I can’t really picture Yoongi hyung on a stage, to be honest. He’s so...”
“He’s that good?”
“Is that why you guys fell out?”
Namjoon paused.
“Destiny?”
“Sounds like a movie plot.”
Jungkook shrugged.
Important things.
Speaking the truth.
Acknowledging feelings.
Accepting love and understanding hate.
“Nah, Yoongi didn’t do anything wrong. Don’t call him dumb.”
Jungkook had claimed Yoongi was his biggest fan.
Still seemed so impossible honestly, but Namjoon was painfully curious.
“The idea of Yoongi listening to my music by his own free will sounds like something that would only happen in a parallel universe.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.”
“That sounds fake.”
Adorable.
Such a different image to the Yoongi that sneered at him, come battle time.
But Yoongi wasn’t here.
And it was his fault.
Namjoon didn't want to be rude.
"Thank you Seokjin hyung."
"Sleep well!"
It took an eternity to peel back those sheets and climb beneath the covers.
Yoongi hadn't believed him.
And Namjoon understood.
Yoongi was in the distance, he could see him, standing there in greys, soaked through with rain too.
"No, are you?"
"Sometimes. But not right now."
"It's raining," Namjoon said, stretching out his hand to catch it.
"You do?"
"Yeah," Yoongi wasn't smiling, wasn't moving, but there was peace here, beneath the blackening sky. "I wish it would rain forever."
Namjoon awoke, drenched in sweat, rich cotton sheets sticking to him as he tried to escape them.
It wasn't okay.
Namjoon took an arm chair opposite, pulled out his notebook, his pen, pushed headphones into his ears, and stared at the paper.
10 tiny things that bring me happiness?
Jungkook let out a little sound, and flipped over on the couch, Namjoon'd heart still racing, but glad to know now that he wasn't alone.
10 tiny things.
Why do they have to be tiny?
This is fucking stupid.
Everything is fucking stupid.
I'm stupid, I'm stupid, I fucked up, I fucked up--
Jungkook groaned, turned again, and even in the dark, those wide eyes glittered like stars.
"...Joon?"
Stupid, fucked up, and now made Jungkook wake up too.
Nice work, Namjoon.
"'s fine," Jungkook yawned, closing his eyes again, barely awake. "Whatcha writing? Rap?"
"No," Namjoon felt awful. "I have homework. It's hard. I suck."
"You don't suck. What's the thing? The work? I could help maybe."
Namjoon explained about the 10 tiny things, but he left out the part about therapy. Jungkook hummed from beneath his blanket.
"That IS hard."
"Told you."
"Can I hear it?"
"Flips."
Namjoon blinked, confused, brows furrowed.
"Huh?"
"I said, flips."
"Doing flips, or dumb stuff like that. Or handstands."
"Reckless and Wild Jungkookie," Namjoon huffed out a small laugh. "Why are flips and handstands your tiny happiness?"
The answer made Namjoon's eyes water.
So much profound happiness, from such a small action.
Eunha's homework suddenly made too much sense, and it made Namjoon numb, stunned and breathless, made the homework seem even more impossible.
What brought him happiness like that?
Was there even anything?
Was there any happiness at all?
Namjoon gasped.
Pancakes.
Pancakes.
Namjoon scribbled it down fast.
He was possessed with an urge.
An urge to run.
It was so weird, the weirdest thing he'd ever felt, but the urge was so strong, like something hot beneath his skin.
Run.
Run.
He ran from the back door out into the rain, gasped from the coolness of it in the chill of the dawn, skin goosebumping, hair dripping, clothing starting to stick, but he ran, ran down the path, ran towards the forest, dark trees in the distance getting closer.
"It's cold," Namjoon said out loud, breathless, having stopped in a small clearing, only the sounds of leaves dripping to join his voice. "Yoongi, it's cold."
Without you its cold.
I don't know what to do.
Please come back.
Please come back.
Please come back.
When Namjoon returned from the woods, soaked and dirty, he prayed in the shower. Please come back.
When he ate breakfast with the others, pancakes, pancakes, please come back, come back.
Please come back.
It was like he was begging the universe, like he was trying to bargain with fate, destiny, whatever Jungkook had said.
Please.
Please.
Hoseok was on the phone.
"I'm gonna come this time."
"Okay."
"Gonna go get ready?"
"Maybe," Hoseok looked so sad. "Time will tell, Joonie."
That someone was inside.
Yoongi could be in there, this could be it.
He could finally see him, finally tell Yoongi everything, or at least do his best. Do his best--
"What?" Namjoon blinked.
Namjoon's stomach dropped to his feet.
"...what?"
"The room," the manager repeated. "You wanna rent it?"
"Was, Yoongi's. We got a call from him at lunch time, and he said he doesn't need it anymore. So you were second choice. What do you think?"
Namjoon didn't have words, couldn't form them properly.
He felt like he was going to collaspe.
Namjoon fled the hallway, pushed through the slowly gathering crowd, heard Hoseok call after him, and ignored it all, bursting out into the back alley instead, gritting his teeth, eyes pressed to his palms as he wept.
"He's not coming back!" Namjoon almost screamed, rocking in Hoseok's arms. "He's not, he's not, Hobi, fuck--"
"I don't know what to do," Namjoon was heaving, felt sick, felt so sick. "I fucked up, I love him, I don't know what to do--"
Hoseok called Seokjin, when he thought Namjoon was fast asleep, tucked away in Hoseok's bed, in pajamas, clean and fresh and heartbroken.
Namjoon could hear Hoseok crying, out in the lounge room.
A long pause, and Namjoon felt awful for listening in, but couldn't force himself to stop.
Hoseok gasped.
Another long pause, and Hoseok was whimpering.
"Jin, why didn't you say anything?? You said he was okay, you told EVERYONE... and he's not been answering... for weeks?"
Another long pause.
"I understand you didn't want the boys to worry but..."
"I know. I know Jungkook would have-- and you can't reach him at all? Is he -- okay. Yeah. Yeah, okay. Can you just... can you keep trying, please? Please, baby, please--"
Hoseok looked like a deer caught in the headlights when he saw Namjoon was awake.
"I'm sorry," Hoseok whispered.
Hoseok stood in the doorway, pale as a sheet.
"Seokjin hasn't been able to get into contact with Yoongi, since after that first call when... he left that night."
That night.
Please come back.
Namjoon was shaking.
Hoseok crawled into bed and held him.
Please come back.
It was selfish, but Namjoon couldn't help it.
What do I do?
What the fuck do I do??
Hoseok was a warm presence on his back though, close and comfortable, rubbing his shoulders with graceful fingers, trying to settle the tremor racing through Namjoon's spine.
Two weeks had passed, and Namjoon knew he should return to Eunha soon, needed someone to talk to, needed to finish his stupid homework, but he couldn't bring himself to do it.
"You take all the time you need," she said, the reciever crackling. "No stress yeah? I got enough staff, you just rest."
"Thank you," Namjoon was so grateful.
Hoseok was worried, but Namjoon wouldn't let him in.
"Can I just be alone, please," he didn't want Hoseok to see him in this state. "Please?"
"I just need to be alone."
"That's the last thing you need."
"Tomorrow," Namjoon put out a compromise. "Please, tomorrow, we can do something tomorrow."
Hoseok sighed, muffled by wood.
"Fine. Tomorrow."
And then Hoseok was gone.
He tried to think of more tiny happinesses when his brain felt motivated, but everything fell short.
He could only think of Yoongi.
Namjoon answered on the last ring.
"Hobi?"
Hoseok sounded so weird, that Namjoon felt sick.
"Hey... I uhh... I found Yoongi."
"Where?"
"Catch a taxi to the address I send you like, as soon as possible. I don't know how much longer he's gonna be here."
"Hoseok--"
"That's all I can say. I'll see you soon."
Hoseok hung up, and texted through an address.
The taxi driver typed the address in with a weird expression, but Namjoon didn't care.
He was surprised, when the taxi stopped at a McDonald's.
"I'm so sorry, but I'm kinda in a rush," Namjoon was annoyed, looking at the driver. "Can't food wait?"
"This is the address you gave me."
Oh.
Go inside and order me a drink, I'll be there soon.
Namjoon was annoyed, but did it anyways, pushing into the fast food joint, joining the queue.
It wasn't long but it was lunch time, and so it was crowded and loud.
"You fucking idiot," the angry man was shouting, no doubt at some poor checkout girl. "Can't you fucking count?"
"Fucking worthless, where is your manager?? You should be fired, speaking back to a customer--"
"Manager please!" the asshole was making a scene as Yoongi became visibly more and more distressed. "Can someone come and deal with his useless fucker?"
That's when Yoongi noticed Namjoon.
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