Let's talk about... Vetting a potential partner
As always: this is my opinion, yours may vary, there are no rules, objects in mirror may be closer than they appear.
1/
As always: this is my opinion, yours may vary, there are no rules, objects in mirror may be closer than they appear.
1/
2/
I bang on about safety quit a bit. There's two reasons for this: 1) many activities in BDSM are inherently dangerous and 2) many predators use BDSM as a way of excusing abuse.
...
I bang on about safety quit a bit. There's two reasons for this: 1) many activities in BDSM are inherently dangerous and 2) many predators use BDSM as a way of excusing abuse.
...
3/
Yes, life is dangerous, crossing the road is dangerous, but wouldn't deliberately cross in front of a speeding truck, would you?
It's the same with BDSM - you can still have all the kinky fun, but some simple, common-sense precautions mean you can keep ON having the kinky fun.
Yes, life is dangerous, crossing the road is dangerous, but wouldn't deliberately cross in front of a speeding truck, would you?
It's the same with BDSM - you can still have all the kinky fun, but some simple, common-sense precautions mean you can keep ON having the kinky fun.
4/
I have previously posted a whole bunch of safety advice here: deviancebydax.com/podcast/devian… In this thread, I'm going to go more into "vetting".
Vetting is the process by which we check the legitimacy of a potential partner.
...
I have previously posted a whole bunch of safety advice here: deviancebydax.com/podcast/devian… In this thread, I'm going to go more into "vetting".
Vetting is the process by which we check the legitimacy of a potential partner.
...
5/
This does go both ways - I will focus more on vetting a Dom as they're the ones putting a sub in a vulnerable position, but a sub could also cause harm to a Dom if they want too much too fast, for example.
...
This does go both ways - I will focus more on vetting a Dom as they're the ones putting a sub in a vulnerable position, but a sub could also cause harm to a Dom if they want too much too fast, for example.
...
6/
In that article I discuss how to keep safe on a first meeting. Use that meeting to learn more about your potential partner - check their ID (and be sure you know what a real passport or licence looks like). Don't accept "Oh I forgot it" as an answer - no ID, no s to their D.
In that article I discuss how to keep safe on a first meeting. Use that meeting to learn more about your potential partner - check their ID (and be sure you know what a real passport or licence looks like). Don't accept "Oh I forgot it" as an answer - no ID, no s to their D.
7/
Be careful about revealing too much about yourself - yes, be prepared to show ID but don't reveal who you live with, where you work, routines etc. If anything, make out you live with a bouncer or your parents or your ex-Army brother who was discharged for shooting someone.
Be careful about revealing too much about yourself - yes, be prepared to show ID but don't reveal who you live with, where you work, routines etc. If anything, make out you live with a bouncer or your parents or your ex-Army brother who was discharged for shooting someone.
8/
Check references; ask to speak to previous people they've played with. Red flags are "Oh they're all crazy" or "What, don't be stupid, no-one asks that" or indeed anything that doesn't seem right. Active member of the community for 10 years but no FetLife or munches to verify?
Check references; ask to speak to previous people they've played with. Red flags are "Oh they're all crazy" or "What, don't be stupid, no-one asks that" or indeed anything that doesn't seem right. Active member of the community for 10 years but no FetLife or munches to verify?
9/
Sure, there are legit reasons for that - but saying "Active member of the community" is a classic "I'm safe" line. I *don't* say that because I wasn’t active in the community until two years ago. I do have people who've met and played with me though.
Sure, there are legit reasons for that - but saying "Active member of the community" is a classic "I'm safe" line. I *don't* say that because I wasn’t active in the community until two years ago. I do have people who've met and played with me though.
10/
Remember- you’re not vetting a boyfriend. You’re vetting someone who could easily kill you. If this sounds scary - good. It should. Don’t worry about seeming combative; a responsible kinkster will understand. They’ll have been through it before.
Remember- you’re not vetting a boyfriend. You’re vetting someone who could easily kill you. If this sounds scary - good. It should. Don’t worry about seeming combative; a responsible kinkster will understand. They’ll have been through it before.
11/
Ask questions: what would they do if you fainted, if you were hurt, if you safeworded, if you broke a rule. They may not have a perfect answer, but see how they react- defensive or considerate? “I don’t know” is ok if they’re being honest.
Ask questions: what would they do if you fainted, if you were hurt, if you safeworded, if you broke a rule. They may not have a perfect answer, but see how they react- defensive or considerate? “I don’t know” is ok if they’re being honest.
12/
Watch out for “frenzy” - this is the “I want it all and I want it now” feeling many new subs/Doms want - don’t let your horniness override your safety. There are LOADS of potential playmates out there. LOADS. You can afford to be picky.
Watch out for “frenzy” - this is the “I want it all and I want it now” feeling many new subs/Doms want - don’t let your horniness override your safety. There are LOADS of potential playmates out there. LOADS. You can afford to be picky.
13/
Suggest going to a munch or other kink event first- if they are suddenly shy, why is that? Are they worried they’ll be found out? They don’t want to be seen in public with you? And don’t agree to letting them pick you up either. Get there and home under your own control.
Suggest going to a munch or other kink event first- if they are suddenly shy, why is that? Are they worried they’ll be found out? They don’t want to be seen in public with you? And don’t agree to letting them pick you up either. Get there and home under your own control.
14/
Get a selfie with them- again, refusal should sound alarms. I can’t think of a reason not to agree. Get their phone number and test it. Give the selfie and their name and number to a trusted friend. Don’t be surprised if they want the same.
Get a selfie with them- again, refusal should sound alarms. I can’t think of a reason not to agree. Get their phone number and test it. Give the selfie and their name and number to a trusted friend. Don’t be surprised if they want the same.
15/
Again- don’t worry about seeming difficult; a responsible, trustworthy person will be ok with it. If they’re being honest, there is no reason not to want you to be as comfortable as possible.
Remember: there are PLENTY of other people out there.
Again- don’t worry about seeming difficult; a responsible, trustworthy person will be ok with it. If they’re being honest, there is no reason not to want you to be as comfortable as possible.
Remember: there are PLENTY of other people out there.
16/
Follow these steps and always remember to trust your instinct, plan for the worst, and stand your ground.
And follow my advice on meeting safely here: deviancebydax.com/podcast/devian…
And these ten rules for negotiation here:
deviancebydax.com/tutorials/10-g…
Stay safe, and please RT.
Follow these steps and always remember to trust your instinct, plan for the worst, and stand your ground.
And follow my advice on meeting safely here: deviancebydax.com/podcast/devian…
And these ten rules for negotiation here:
deviancebydax.com/tutorials/10-g…
Stay safe, and please RT.
@threadreaderapp please unroll
