The hour of the human-sized hamster ball has come round at last. Perfect safety, social distancing guaranteed, no need for uncomfortable masks. Everyone gets plenty of exercise. Nobody can operate a car, so carbon footprints will become the size of hamster paws.
No more shootings or stabbings. All conflict is reduced to people bumping their hamster balls against each other in impotent rage. No more worries about excessive police violence, and no way for suspects to escape police. They just grab your hamster ball and haul you downtown.
Think of the convenience! You'll never lose anything again. Drop your expensive cell phone and it just falls into the nice soft bottom of your hamster ball. Nobody can pick your pocket. No more worries about unpleasant body odor or excessive perfume.
Granted it's rather difficult to talk from one hamster ball to another, but we're all on our cell phones all the time anyway. We could create an app that gives us party channels to talk to everyone within a certain distance of our hamster ball, if we want.
Skin cancer? Polarize the hamster ball and it's solved. Secondhand smoke? No longer a problem. We'd have to create some new courtship rituals, but young people are very clever about such things. They'd work something out.
We'd have to redesign many public accommodations, of course, but that seems a fair price for perfect health security. We have to rebuild all the restrooms to accommodate transsexuals anyway. Buses could be replaced by flatbed trucks with egg-carton molds for passenger balls.
Sports would be instantly saved as injuries among players surrounded by hamster balls fell to near-zero. Tremendous athleticism would be needed to play many sports, increasing public interest. Golf becomes a whole new sport when the golfer is inside the ball!
Let's do this, people. Entrepreneurial opportunities for custom and luxury hamster balls would abound. Just think of the jobs created or saved as a whole new industry appears overnight! It's time to make America safe and spherical. /end
