Thread by @pickledmint

Tips on engaging in conversation with family about the BLM movement. From your local social worker who has dealt with extremely conservative, racist, bigoted, homophobic family members their entire life.⬇️⬇️
(A thread with examples bc I like using irl examples when possible)

What you ALL need to understand is this. You cannot single-handedly change a person's mind if they are not ready to do so. Going into a conversation with the expectation of change is going into a battle you have already lost. Lower your expectations so you don't get a headache.

In the Stages of Change model there is a thing called "pre-contemplation." No, I'm not applying the entire model to racism right now.

Pre-contemplation is before the change. Where a lot of our families are.

"I do not recognize a need to change, therefore I will not change."

If you are talking with someone and they continuously say things like "ALM" or "not all cops" or "white privilege doesn't exist"

you are talking to someone in the stage of pre-contemplation. And you will NEVER win a debate because this person WILL NOT let you.

For background, I am Asian. I said the phrase "white privilege" to my sister and she immediately answered with sarcasm.

"So you're woke now."

This right here is a warning sign. When someone reacts with sarcasm, they are already in fight mode and are defending themselves.

She also guilt-tripped me asking how I would explain that to her white husband. I didn't care to answer because we're all adults and I don't owe him anything.

Guilt tripping? You will see it. "What about our family in (country) who are suffering? What about your uncle who is a cop?"

Prime examples of a person who WILL NOT CHANGE no matter what you say. When someone does this, it's because you have directly challenged them.

When you are talking with family about BLM and everything around it, you need to understand that you are about to challenge THEIR views. And when people are challenged they feel threatened, and when threatened they will fight, run, or freeze.

A LOT of your family will fight.

My tip to you is this: Do not challenge their opinion.

Say your facts. Say the definitions. And be done. Because when you push against someone in the stage of pre-contemplation, they will fight, flee, or freeze. Your job is not to win an argument. Your job is to educate.

The reason why this battle is hundreds of years in the making is because we cannot change a person's mind with magic words. We cannot do it, or it would already have been done.

Advocacy and activism are about educating the public. It is hard and draining for this reason.

The stubborn family members you talk to are most likely adults, older ones, and their minds have already accepted what they believe. It is difficult to change that because that person has to be the one to change.

Teach with facts, do not fight with opinions.

You don't want to burn your energy recruiting the "pre-contemplation folks." You want to focus more on the contemplation folks. Contemplation is the actual first stage of stage because this is someone who is going to listen and hear you.

People in contemplation are people who haven't really done any activism/advocacy. They might be people of privilege who literally have no idea where to start because there's a lot of information and they need to take it all in at once and need help organizing their thoughts.

They're interested in BLM. They look at both sides of the protest line and wonder "what can be done to make this better" instead of immediately saying "well thEY're lOoTiNG ANd neED to GO hOMe." You know what I'm talking about.

These are the people you want to talk to.

This is when you start to educate and you have a chance to discuss. When you say "white privilege" and they're like "What do you mean?" Define it. Give examples. If this is truly a person in contemplation they'll start to think about it and not fight it. That's the sign you want.

And when you load this person up with education and clear examples [again, not opinions because you cannot change a person, even in contemplation] then they will really start to think about it. And learn from it. They're taking in all the information and formulating opinions.

After contemplation, if/when that person decides to start researching ON THEIR OWN by watching videos, looking at history, taking in the facts and not giving in easily to the media, their mind is in Preparation. This is a very good stage to be in. This person is ready to fight.

This is the point where you can give your own opinion because you can actually discuss. You'll have well-meaning discussions and it sounds weird to have "discussions" but you're dealing with someone who is finally changing. It's great to see and you want to keep the momentum.

I really don't know what else to say at this point uh. After Preparation is the Action stage and that's basically what we're all doing by sharing links, uplifting Black voices, protesting, donating, etc etc. Once a person is here, they're pretty much here to stay. I hope.

I said I wouldn't apply the entire model because the idea of Maintenance and Relapse don't work. Shouldn't. I don't know of anyone who has "fallen back into racism" but you know what, this country is wild so I'm not gonna pretend it's impossible. I'd rather not think about that.

I know we're all thinking "why tf does anyone need to think twice about racism" but here we are, with families like mine who cannot grasp the thought about racism and why BLM is important. So hopefully this thread gives insight into what might be going on in their thick heads.

I made this thread because I had an anger-fueled "talk" with my sister (who I blocked and I don't even....sister who???) filled with her belittling, digressing, and derailing. It motivated me to help people not get headaches. Don't waste your time and tears on people like her.

Ooh! Here's an example of someone who won't change.

Nothing political was said and yet the copy/paste word jumped out!

Muting the thread now but thank you all for sharing and reading. My DMs are open. Even to the racist people. I'll just block and ignore!

Stay safe, stay healthy!

I had to come back real quick. Thank you all for the DMs but I want you to know that I'm not an expert on anything so I can't really counsel you on how to handle your individual families. I only have my own experiences to learn from and share.

I also can't answer every question because I'm one person working a full-time job and balancing advocacy off the clock. Thank you to those who step in. This topic should be a discussion amongst us and you all have the answers already, like I do, because you have the experiences.

I just want to empower all of us to put our energy where it's needed, to talk to one another, and take care of ourselves and each other. I'm not a leader or an expert, just a peer. Right now we all need to use what we have to help.

Stay healty and stay safe, everyone!

AND one more thing💦💦

This account is not for activism/advocacy. I use this account for fandom stuff. So no need to follow💦💦 you're gonna be disappointed because I don't regularly post threads like this. I only have (1) account so I had to use whatever platform I had.

**NOTE** The Stages of Change model is not a "how-to get someone to think differently" but a "why people won't think differently." This thread isn't a guide, it's an explanation. People can go back and forth through the stages. You don't "clear" a stage.

More info on the Maintenance and Relapse Stages for those who are curious!

https://twitter.com/trishalynn/status/1268262270070448128?s=19