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Gorsuch: Title VII protects gay people
Alito: Eww.
Gorsuch: And trans people.
Alito: How can we have a SOCIETY without knowing your genitals at birth!?
Gorsuch: Sam, are you okay?
Alito: NO NEIL. TURNS OUT HAVING A PENIS DOESN'T EVEN MATTER ANYMORE.
Alito: What if I find out one of my clerks looks like a man but has lady genitals. WHAT THEN?
Gorsuch: You'd... want to fire them for that?
Alito: OF COURSE
Gorsuch: Dude.
Alito: I guess NOW I have to grab EVERYONE by the CROTCH before I hire them.
Roberts: DON'T DO THAT, SAM!
Brett: I've NEVER done that. HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE ME! I ONLY HIRE WOMEN!
Everybody: ...
Alito: [drops pants] LOOK. I still have a penis and you CAN'T TAKE IT FROM ME, NEIL!
Gorsuch: What the shit is happening?
Roberts: You should've seen them after Obamacare.
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More from @ElieNYC see all

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Elie Mystal
@ElieNYC
Oh god, are we doing the thing where somebody points out that the we created slavery and white people go "THEY HAD SLAVES IN AFRICA" and we have to explain that CHATTEL SLAVERY, where your children are BORN INTO slavery with no option for freedom, is a European colonial INVENTION
You want to know why Rome was constantly fighting wars? It's largely because they needed more slaves. They had to conquer new slaves because they couldn't BREED THEM from current slaves because that's not how Roman slavery worked.
The HORRIFIC thought that a non-slave would rape a slave and that child would be ALSO A SLAVE was an ANATHEMA to pretty much everybody in all times until European colonial masters said "screw it."
And NOBODY took that ball and ran with it like the Americas.
Read 6 tweets
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Elie Mystal
@ElieNYC
Story time:
Freshman year at Harvard college I was working for the library. We got paid weekly and one week there was some administrative problem and the checks were delayed.
The next week, an actual minor office fire *burned* a box of physical checks, including my double payment
I was not in an economic position to go three weeks without money. I called around the library system, looking for somebody who could help me with this problem.
Eventually I got routed to a guy who identified himself as in charge.
He said, I will NEVER forget this, "Listen student, why don't you just ask your parents for money to get through this current problem."
I don't remember the rest of the conversation. My roommates tell me I erupted in screaming cursing at the man.
Read 6 tweets
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Elie Mystal
@ElieNYC
I would not have pulled Gone with the Wind. I also do not care it was pulled off a streaming service. I believe I can explain my nuanced take by pointing out: IT'S A FUCKING MOVIE.
It's a movie I like. Every time I watch it, no matter what, Sherman shows up and fucks all those people up. Fucks them up good. I like that. It reminds me that those people got all fucked up.
Other people don't like watching it because it's very long and most of the time, Sherman is not there fucking all their shit up. I can appreciate that view. I understand that it's maybe not the best movie right now, because there are so many scenes where they're un-fucked up.
Read 4 tweets

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