Elie Mystal Profile picture
Justice Correspondent: @thenation. Alfred Knobler Fellow: @typemediacenter Str:12 Dex:8 Con:15 Int:13 Wis:10 Char:14 Author: Allow Me To Retort
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Jun 11 4 tweets 1 min read
I want to take a short break from the jokes to just express my sympathy for Joe Biden. He's had so many family tragedies. His son has battled addiction. He's now watching him be prosecuted because of his political career. It's a really sad day for his family. On top of all of that, he has the power to basically make this all go away for his kid, but he won't/shouldn't use it.

Biden is better at his job than I would be. As a parent, somebody is coming after my kid to get to me, and I can make it go away, I'm going to do it.
Jun 6 14 tweets 2 min read
Welp, it's a Supreme Court decision day in June. First case is Truck Insurance v. Kaiser Gypsum. It's about whether an insurer can be heard in a bankruptcy case. Sotomayor, unanimous, says yes.
May 30 8 tweets 1 min read
Folks... the people who vote for Donald Trump know he uses the n-word. THAT'S WHY THEY LIKE HIM!

Trump being caught on tape saying it is the feature, not the bug. "I'd also be concerned about hiring a n***** to do a white man's job." --Tim Scott soon.
May 16 5 tweets 1 min read
The Consumer Protection Financial Board survives another day. 7-2 opinion *by Thomas* (Alito and Gorsuch dissenting) says that its funding mechanism is constitutional. Kagan wrote a concurrence that was basically like "even if Thomas hadn't figured it out, the CFPB would also be constitutional for the following reasons."

I like the effort to point out that Thomas is a broken clock, even when he lucks into the correct time.
Apr 25 60 tweets 8 min read
Trump immunity arguments at SCOTUS start in 20 minutes. They should have started on December 22, but the Republican justices want to make sure Trump can be president again, so they start in 20 minutes. Ultimately, I do not think they'll give Trump blanket immunity for all crimes. But the thing I'm listening for is "remand." I'm listening for Thomas, Alito, and Roberts to say that Trump may have *some* immunity Judge Chutkan didn't fully consider. And send the case back to her.
Apr 16 11 tweets 2 min read
The six conservative justices are absolutely trying to figure out how to throw out the obstruction charges against their cousins and wives and pledge brothers who attacked the Capitol on January 6 Neil Gorsuch just analogized the January 6 rioters storming the Capitol and trying to hang Mike Pence to my Congressman, @JamaalBowmanNY, pulling a fire alarm.

The conservatives are basic black Fox News watchers given lifetime power.
Mar 26 43 tweets 6 min read
Okay folks. I'm back for today's SCOTUS arguments about mifepristone. To set the stage, Forced-birthers are trying to prohibit medical abortion based on junk science and the idea that James Ho likes looking at other people's babies. All the lawyers arguing today will be women. Solicitor General Elizabeth Prelogar for the FDA.
For the group of doctors and dentists who didn't prescribe the abortion pill but want to take it away anyway, it's Erin Hawley, wife of Sen. Josh Hawley
Mar 18 6 tweets 1 min read
I’m in a waiting room and there are a bunch of old people here and at least three of them are listening to content on their devices with no headphones… LOUDLY.
What the SHIT is this?? Is this normal? It’s like they’re sitting here with boom boxes. One guy is just playing an ALBUM. Another lady keeps watching clips from, I assume, her baby granddaughter that somebody sent her. Another person appears to be trying to learn RUSSIAN.

I’m am legit going insane.
Feb 28 25 tweets 4 min read
Hey, remember when a 64yo unloaded 1,000 rounds at a Las Vegas music festival and killed 60 people? Remember how the *Trump* administration thought that was too much death and banned bump stocks?
Yeah, ammosexuals are still pissed about that. Today they're at SCOTUS. Let's find out if Republican justices are even more committed to blood and death and the idea that the Constitution is a murder-suicide pact than the NRA-bought Republican presidents who put them there.
Feb 8 57 tweets 7 min read
Here we go. Trump v. Anderson live tweet thread:

Jonathan Mitchell out here making the claim that the President is not an officer of the united states. Thomas wants to talk about whether S-3 is "self executing." The conservative argument here is that Congress has to pass a law implementing section 3, as opposed to it just being a thing.
Feb 8 5 tweets 1 min read
All right, let's set up what to watch for in today's SCOTUS Trump ballot access argument.
The justices I'll be paying the most attention to are Neil Gorsuch and Elena Kagan.
The Court is likely to keep Trump on the ballot. But... Neil is the guy who is most willing to carry his logic through to the bitter end, to hell with the consequences. And Neil's logic *should* exclude Trump. He once wrote an opinion that kicked other people off the ballot, b/c they failed a textual test in the constitution.
Feb 7 4 tweets 1 min read
I would like all the people who spent 2017-2020 telling us that we should impeach Trump for his crimes because “Republicans will just make it political” to look at the House debacle and apologize to the rest of us for counseling cowardice. Just because the GOP will act in bad faith doesn’t mean they’ll succeed. And even if they do, it doesn’t mean we should not act in good faith to hold people accountable.
Feb 6 7 tweets 2 min read
True story: I woke up, checked the news, saw nothing, and took a long shower. In the shower, I sang One Day More in its entirety, pissed that the immunity decision was taking so long.
Then I come out and, poof, it's here. Oh, if you don't know what I'm talking about, here's the 57 page opinion ruling that Trump (OBVIOUSLY) does not have immunity from criminal prosecution.
(Though, in fairness, if you don't know what I'm talking about, how are you even here?)

Jan 17 57 tweets 7 min read
Here we go: Loper Bright. Gorsuch and Thomas try to kill Chevron deference now. Oh great. Conservative mouthpiece Paul Clement is arguing this for the anti-regulatory folks
Jan 4 4 tweets 1 min read
All of this is happening because racist white folks had to chew with their mouths closed for two months after George Floyd was murdered and now they're on their revenge arc. They'll keep roasting any Black people they can get their hands on until they satiate their bloodlust, while people from apartheid states call of "color blind" societies.
Dec 20, 2023 9 tweets 2 min read
The 2nd Amendment is the nepobaby of all the Amendments on the job.
The 14th is the Black woman who does all the work, gets none of the credit, and gets told she has a "bad attitude" or is "angry" when she demands equal pay and opportunities. The 1st is the CEO.
The 15th is the GC trying to keep everybody out of jail, but nobody ever listens to them so they just leave at 4:00 pm and start drinking.
The 4th is the old guy they keep trying to push out but he won't take the buyout so he just keeps showing up to work.
Dec 5, 2023 14 tweets 2 min read
In a few minutes, the Supreme Court will start to hear arguments in a case designed to kill the wealth tax.
I'll say again... there is nothing that you care about that the Supreme Court cannot destroy while you aren't watching. Of course we are now debating the definition of the word "income" based on the studies of "law and linguistics." :( Textualism is so fucking stupid sometimes.

Jackson asks the right question: "Why are we talking about the common meaning of income instead of the legal meaning?"
Nov 27, 2023 5 tweets 1 min read
Having a person who worked on the US Sentencing Commission (Ketanji Brown Jackson) around when debating sentencing under the ACCA... is VERY useful.

She is busting the government lawyer up but good right now. She's so fucking good. Justice Jackson is so, fucking, good.
Sep 5, 2023 6 tweets 1 min read
So, for the last two weeks of summer, my wife came up this elaborate bribery plan to get the kids back into a school mindset. They get "points" for doing various tasks (reading, math workbooks, Spanish) and with the allocation of enough points, they get DLC for their Switch games It has worked a beast. I've never seen these children so motivated to do thinly disguised homework. It's been FAR more effective than my strategy last summer and during the school year of "DO IT or else I'll start charging you rent."
Aug 29, 2023 5 tweets 1 min read
I've read through Judge Chutkan's transcript from yesterday and... I am starting to worry that I am going to need to file an official notice of "I was wrong" with the relevant authorities. I'm very close to being paraded through the streets while @MuellerSheWrote chants "shame." My position has been that Trump will not be brought to trial before the RNC, at which point he'll be named as their nominee and trying him becomes nearly impossible before the election.
BUT, Chutkan is doing the thing I thought no judge would: treating Trump as a normal citizen.
Jul 1, 2023 5 tweets 1 min read
Again, I feel like gamers are particularly wise to what Twitter is doing, because that industry has been doing this for a while.
Instead of making good things people want to spend a microtransaction on, they deliver a substandard product, then ask you to pay to make it work right Most "free to play" games make the "free" experience as annoying as possible, then ask you to pay for the "convenience" of having the game be fun to play, or pay for the "power" to beat free players who can't out swipe you in the cash shop.