Thread by @aaronreynolds

I’ve started a new evening ritual: I leave all my technology inside except my Walkman, and I get into the hammock in the back yard and listen to an album from start to finish.

My cat has been curious about this new habit, and I’ve been trying to coax him into the hammock —

Tonight was some Rolling Stones — I’ve never really given them a fair shake, so I’m working through the Stones in Mono box set — and like clockwork, my big grey lump of a cat shows up. I make some space and start patting the hammock and asking him to jump up —

And to my delight, he decides to climb into the hammock! Except not in a very cat-like way. Huh.

At this point I should let you know that my backyard is very dark and I don’t see well.

I have just invited a raccoon into the hammock with me and the raccoon has obliged.

The raccoon stares at me for a while. Like, “you invited me up here, now what”

Now what indeed

So I very slowly put one foot down and then the other on either side of the hammock and slowly try to stand up. I’m maintaining eye contact with the raccoon as if my life depends on it.

Here is my second miscalculation of the evening: as I take my weight off of the hammock, the raccoon starts to slide towards the middle.

I am straddling the hammock and the raccoon is sliding straight at my crotch and all I can think of is the laser scene in Goldfinger.

I chuckle a little. The raccoon doesn’t like this noise. Or he doesn’t like the sliding, or both. He tries to turn around and climb back to his end of the hammock but instead now I’m straddling the raccoon like I’m playing horsey with it.

I shout something, maybe “Christ”? I don’t know. The raccoon also makes a kind of disgruntled old man noise that probably means the same thing.

I do a profoundly inelegant dismount, bringing one leg up way too high to get it over the raccoon and end up falling on the ground.

The raccoon looks down at me from the hammock. He grunts. He settles in.

The raccoon is outside in what I assume is now his hammock.

I am inside on the couch with ice on my groin because I definitely pulled something.

Anyways I’m still not a fan of the Rolling Stones.

Yes, I came home from an eye exam and they put in the drops where you can’t see for a few hours and I thought I was letting in the cat but I let in a groundhog who ate all the cat food and wouldn’t leave. He came back to the door every day for a week and I never told my wife why.

https://twitter.com/ms_christinak/status/1275291131002204161