Extracts from the plague diary of Mark ne-Francois-Pepys
June 30th
Up, and while at stool comes news that if I would see the Johnson alive I must come presently, so, after pancracker laid, I to him and find him abed and his breath rattled in his throate, and they
1/8
June 30th
Up, and while at stool comes news that if I would see the Johnson alive I must come presently, so, after pancracker laid, I to him and find him abed and his breath rattled in his throate, and they
1/8
did minister IV Monster and lay pigeons to his feet and all despair of him, and with good reason, the story is that interrupting his people in a barn binding up European powers to transfer to Duke Cummings, donkey farmer Starmer did challenge The Johnson
2/
2/
to a push-up duel at PMQs and quivering like Rees-Mogg in a WMC, he went sober and quiet out of doors to Islington, and behind Wagamamas did fling himself into a pond, and was got out and set on his head and got to life by Therese Coffey coming that way to test the taps;
3/
3/
and so we are sent for. He confessed being led by the Devil that he has not a 6 but a 666 pack and he cannot do a push-up unless it is in a technology lesson and do declare his trouble that he has forgot to serve God as he ought since he come to this new employment, and that
4/
4/
I am ex-TA Special Forces and do 50 press-ups daily, the lackeys there look instinctively to me in a way that I am very used to and without more ado I put Johnson in the adult sized hamster-wheel powering Cummings’s Russian satellite phone shouting about Teutonic arrogance,
5/
5/
that a victorious display of codpiece waving at PMQs may be the quickest way out of our national strife and leaving him in the Duke’s closet I back again to Wickford, and this evening was late writing a Missive from a Free Country warning Michel Barnier off our haddock and
6/
6/
being exceeding witty I wrote ‘it is possible you may have heard of us’! and it was a very great courtesy I did him and I am mightily pleased with it doing further service for our nation that once read, all Europe shall tremble, and we may complete the transfer of powers from
7/
7/
unelected Europeans to unelected government advisors and it is the last we shall hear of this Brextoration business; and this being well done the boy Bridgen brings news that novichoc wielding sightseers in Salsibury have placed a Bounty on my head; so I ate it. Bed.
