I meet him at the entrance. He’s wearing the “senior negotiator” ribbon sash.
Confident he will “prevail”. He’s been watching poker games and negotiation videos online. Fully educated and prepared for the battle
“Watch me” he says. “Trick is to meet halfway”
Confident he will “prevail”. He’s been watching poker games and negotiation videos online. Fully educated and prepared for the battle
“Watch me” he says. “Trick is to meet halfway”
Marches into Mayor’s office
“Let’s make this quick”, he says. “we are all busy people and I want to watch the footy on TV”
“Let’s make this quick”, he says. “we are all busy people and I want to watch the footy on TV”
Idiot son starts rant
“EU bastards being unfair - you have no right to treat us that way”
“Parents have been paying their taxe d’habitation and have been taking their rubbish out”
and
“Brexit means Brexit” (not sure how that helps)
“EU bastards being unfair - you have no right to treat us that way”
“Parents have been paying their taxe d’habitation and have been taking their rubbish out”
and
“Brexit means Brexit” (not sure how that helps)
Idiot son offers a deal
- Exception from Brexit for parents in France.
- Exception from Brexit for “girlfriend” in UK.
- £10 million cash.
- Exception from Brexit for parents in France.
- Exception from Brexit for “girlfriend” in UK.
- £10 million cash.
This can’t be happening
Local mayor: “Non”
UK mayor: “I’m afraid not”
UK mayor: “I’m afraid not”
Idiot son winks at me as he makes a new offer
- Exception from Brexit for parents in France.
- Exception from Brexit for “girlfriend” in UK.
- £5 million cash.
- Exception from Brexit for parents in France.
- Exception from Brexit for “girlfriend” in UK.
- £5 million cash.
Goes without saying, but just to be crystal clear, he wants the EU to pay his family cash as part of the deal.
Local mayor: “Non”
UK mayor: “I’m afraid not”
UK mayor: “I’m afraid not”
Idiot son, grinning confidently tables his new offer
- Exception from Brexit for parents in France.
- Exception from Brexit for “girlfriend” in UK.
- £100 Waitrose voucher
- Exception from Brexit for parents in France.
- Exception from Brexit for “girlfriend” in UK.
- £100 Waitrose voucher
Another negative response from the officials. Now is the moment idiot son has been waiting for
- Exception from Brexit for parents in France.
- Exception from Brexit for “girlfriend” in UK.
That’s it. Nothing else! Victory in sight
Its a “NON” again and idiot son is baffled
- Exception from Brexit for parents in France.
- Exception from Brexit for “girlfriend” in UK.
That’s it. Nothing else! Victory in sight
Its a “NON” again and idiot son is baffled
He looks at me in disbelief
“But I offered to meet halfway! What’s wrong with these people?”
Ok screw the girlfriend, I’ll find another one, just give my parents the exception from Brexit and let’s watch the footy over a beer
It’s a NON again - idiot son in shock
“But I offered to meet halfway! What’s wrong with these people?”
Ok screw the girlfriend, I’ll find another one, just give my parents the exception from Brexit and let’s watch the footy over a beer
It’s a NON again - idiot son in shock
Turns to Brexit Party councillor for support
Councillor explains that ending free movement was the whole point of Brexit
Idiot son threatens to report him to the Party Whip for “treason”
Councillor explains that ending free movement was the whole point of Brexit
Idiot son threatens to report him to the Party Whip for “treason”
Phone rings, its the parents who are asking whether the son has “sorted things out”
Not yet, I respond, but getting there
Not yet, I respond, but getting there
Idiot son getting very upset. A lot of shouting. French just jealous of Brexit, EU bad losers, family shouldn’t have invested savings in this country, he’ll take this to the European Court of Justice, down with Brussels dictatorship etc
He’s now by the window, pointing at the crowds outside
“Look at all these supporters” he says to the Mayor. “They are ready to tear down the Town Hall if you don’t give me what I want”
“Look at all these supporters” he says to the Mayor. “They are ready to tear down the Town Hall if you don’t give me what I want”
Idiot son turns to Mayor:
“You and me, outside, right now. Let’s solve this with bare fists”
Mayor laughs
Idiot son starts repeatedly pulling on mayor’s sleeve
Mayor slaps him in the face
Idiot son bursts into tears
Puts his head on my shoulder, sobbing
EU “bullying” him
“You and me, outside, right now. Let’s solve this with bare fists”
Mayor laughs
Idiot son starts repeatedly pulling on mayor’s sleeve
Mayor slaps him in the face
Idiot son bursts into tears
Puts his head on my shoulder, sobbing
EU “bullying” him
He’s asking me to promise I won’t tell Darren or his boss about the slap or the crying
Idiot son needs to calm down and he wants to watch the footy anyway, so the meeting will resume at 6:30pm. Surely we can make another exception about the time in a meeting about Brexit exceptions
My wife & I will be having lunch with mayor & wife in the garden of a nearby Bistro
My wife & I will be having lunch with mayor & wife in the garden of a nearby Bistro
I just received a call from Rémi Gaillard. He sees “infinite potential” in the idiot son, wondering if he could borrow him for a few days
I responded that he is welcome to join the fun in town, but kindly asked him not to remove the idiot son from Dordogne for the time being
I responded that he is welcome to join the fun in town, but kindly asked him not to remove the idiot son from Dordogne for the time being
For those asking: HP bottle nowhere in sight. Idiot son probably took it with him. He was looking for a “good old British Pub” to have lunch and watch the football match
It is a wonderful day, warm with a slight breeze. Sun is shining, birds are singing
Laughter as we recall all these epic moments
I am enjoying my confit de canard and vin de Bourgogne
Music playing
Laughter as we recall all these epic moments
I am enjoying my confit de canard and vin de Bourgogne
Music playing
Mayor takes off his glasses
“We need to give the idiot son what he wants”
He must be joking
“Not at all. We’re enjoying it. Look around you. People are happy. They forgot about taxes & problems. Even guests are pouring in. Tourism is up. This is a big party. Must preserve it”
“We need to give the idiot son what he wants”
He must be joking
“Not at all. We’re enjoying it. Look around you. People are happy. They forgot about taxes & problems. Even guests are pouring in. Tourism is up. This is a big party. Must preserve it”
Whole town is enjoying idiot son so much plus boost to tourism & economy that we have decided to try to grant him & family residency
But of course this is not up to the mayor. This is not a local authority issue so we can’t reverse Brexit or grant exceptions. We need a plan...
But of course this is not up to the mayor. This is not a local authority issue so we can’t reverse Brexit or grant exceptions. We need a plan...
Meanwhile idiot son makes a rock star arrival at town hall, while crowds outside are cheering. Sun glasses, shirt buttoned half way up, messy hair, waves to fans. “SENIOR NEGOTIATOR” ribbon sash still on
Grabs mic: “EU CAN TAKE OUR MONEY BUT THEY CAN’T TAKE OUR SOULS”
*mic drop*
Grabs mic: “EU CAN TAKE OUR MONEY BUT THEY CAN’T TAKE OUR SOULS”
*mic drop*
Parents call me worried. They heard that their idiot son had been slapped and they want me to make sure he gets checked by a doctor
He’s fallen of a bridge a number of times, I think he’ll survive a slap. Besides, he’s such an idiot I think he’s invincible
He’s fallen of a bridge a number of times, I think he’ll survive a slap. Besides, he’s such an idiot I think he’s invincible
Meeting in Mayor’s Office resumes
Mayor speaking in French, I’m translating to English
“We agree that you are right, you have been treated unfairly, and we would love if you & your parents could have a Brexit exception. We want all 3 of you to live in our town permanently”
Mayor speaking in French, I’m translating to English
“We agree that you are right, you have been treated unfairly, and we would love if you & your parents could have a Brexit exception. We want all 3 of you to live in our town permanently”
Idiot son screams with joy, trying to hug us all, then starts hanging upside down from chandelier while singing something about 2 world wars and a world cup
“However”, the Mayor interrupts
“I do NOT have the authority to grant this”
Moment of silence as son hangs upside down
“However”, the Mayor interrupts
“I do NOT have the authority to grant this”
Moment of silence as son hangs upside down
“But... that’s why I came all the way here, to strike a deal with you and get a Brexit exception” says the son as he makes his way down from the chandelier
“Told you from the very beginning” I interrupted. “Brexit means no free movement and that has nothing to do with the Mayor”
“Told you from the very beginning” I interrupted. “Brexit means no free movement and that has nothing to do with the Mayor”
Another round of idiot son shouting, swearing, apparently we are all bullies, we betrayed him, EU playing dirty tricks etc.
Enough, shut up and listen, says the Mayor.
There is one way we can get an exception, but you will have to cut the crap and carefully follow instructions.
Enough, shut up and listen, says the Mayor.
There is one way we can get an exception, but you will have to cut the crap and carefully follow instructions.
The President, at their discretion, can make someone a French citizen for heroism. There’s a recent example of a Malaian immigrant who saved a child
Son yells “I won the most-beers-in-10-minutes contest at my local pub”
“And I beat Darren in arm wrestling 12 times in a row”
Son yells “I won the most-beers-in-10-minutes contest at my local pub”
“And I beat Darren in arm wrestling 12 times in a row”
There is one thing that the idiot son is world class in:
Falling of bridges
Plan is, Mayor is drowning in river, idiot son falls off bridge and saves him
Makes the headlines, Macron makes idiot son French citizen for saving French Mayor
We get to keep the idiot tourist magnet
Falling of bridges
Plan is, Mayor is drowning in river, idiot son falls off bridge and saves him
Makes the headlines, Macron makes idiot son French citizen for saving French Mayor
We get to keep the idiot tourist magnet
French citizen idiot son can then bring his parents to the country, and parents keep their home
We already have calls from 4 local tyre-fitting companies offering him work
If he stays year-round great, if not, at least we get to have his awesomeness around during the summer
We already have calls from 4 local tyre-fitting companies offering him work
If he stays year-round great, if not, at least we get to have his awesomeness around during the summer
Not sure idiot son undstands the plan
That’s ok, all we need is to drive him to the bridge. The rest comes naturally
Event will take place monday afternoon
In the meantime, it’s Saturday night & idiot son wants to go clubbing. Asks how many hours it takes to drive to Mallorca
That’s ok, all we need is to drive him to the bridge. The rest comes naturally
Event will take place monday afternoon
In the meantime, it’s Saturday night & idiot son wants to go clubbing. Asks how many hours it takes to drive to Mallorca
Facebook post by idiot son:
“I PREVAILED! BREXIT MEANS BREXIT! ALL YOU NEED IS TO KICK THE EU WHERE IT HURTS”
Friends congratulating him under his post for “succeeding where Theresa May failed”.
Good thing he understood nothing about the plan. He would have blown it already
“I PREVAILED! BREXIT MEANS BREXIT! ALL YOU NEED IS TO KICK THE EU WHERE IT HURTS”
Friends congratulating him under his post for “succeeding where Theresa May failed”.
Good thing he understood nothing about the plan. He would have blown it already
It’s been quite a day and we are relaxing in the garden with Mayor & wife
Our wives say mayor and I are being immature but they’re still enjoying it.
I have a feeling idiot son will manage to screw up the plan
But for now I’m enjoying the wine
Have a lovely saturday evening
Our wives say mayor and I are being immature but they’re still enjoying it.
I have a feeling idiot son will manage to screw up the plan
But for now I’m enjoying the wine
Have a lovely saturday evening
Oh dear, just when I thought it would be a calm sunday afternoon
Local police chief just called the Mayoe. Idiot son has been arrested for hunting endangered species in the park
We probably underestimated his ability to get deported before tomorrow’s event
Local police chief just called the Mayoe. Idiot son has been arrested for hunting endangered species in the park
We probably underestimated his ability to get deported before tomorrow’s event
Good news is that idiot son has been released
Despite boasting about his skeet skills, he is actually terrible in shooting so he luckily didn’t hit anything
Tomorrow we’ll test his falling-off-bridges skills
I’ll now enjoy my profiteroles in the garden with my wife
Good night
Despite boasting about his skeet skills, he is actually terrible in shooting so he luckily didn’t hit anything
Tomorrow we’ll test his falling-off-bridges skills
I’ll now enjoy my profiteroles in the garden with my wife
Good night
Suspense building up as Mayor stands knee-deep in river, holding a glass of wine as he waits to be “saved”
Crowds have gathered, cheering and chanting
Idiot son on bridge
“Come on, jump” I urge him
Oh the idiot has stage fright
“Can’t do it” he mumbles as he turns away
Crowds have gathered, cheering and chanting
Idiot son on bridge
“Come on, jump” I urge him
Oh the idiot has stage fright
“Can’t do it” he mumbles as he turns away
Disaster. Too much attention has blocked him
Need to abort mission
Wait what’s that yelling?
Darren arriving
As if lightning struck idiot son falls off bridge
Mayor “saved” by brave man
The rest is history
Son gets citizenship by Macron, gets to live in France with parents
Need to abort mission
Wait what’s that yelling?
Darren arriving
As if lightning struck idiot son falls off bridge
Mayor “saved” by brave man
The rest is history
Son gets citizenship by Macron, gets to live in France with parents
Stay tuned
Who knows, the next twitter novel might cover idiot son fighting for “Frexit” or campaigning for the UK to rejoin the EU
Or idiot son & Darren’s USA road trip
Perhaps something totally unrelated, instead of continuing someone else’s story
Thank you 😘
#idiotson
Who knows, the next twitter novel might cover idiot son fighting for “Frexit” or campaigning for the UK to rejoin the EU
Or idiot son & Darren’s USA road trip
Perhaps something totally unrelated, instead of continuing someone else’s story
Thank you 😘
#idiotson
