Thread by @BrighamLives

Tonight, for your consideration, a review of several Esoteric Americanist theories. A thread.

1. Magic dirt theory. Proponents of this theory hold that there is some power or virtue in the soil of America that physically and spiritually transforms those who dwell on it.

An advanced version of this theory breaks down this transformation by region - the North produces violent abolitionists, the South pugnacious yet languid agrarians. The same spirit that produced the Seminoles made MLK, the Iroquois Malcolm X.

2. Indian Graveyard Theory. This theory extrapolates the megadeaths of Native Americans before and during colonization as a font of necromantic power for the successor nation. The vast power of dead nations means we can win any war we choose - but victory will be twisted.

3. Eternal Recurrence of America (ERA). There has been a United States of America before. There will be again. The Articles of Confederation and various forms of the Constitution are but subtle shifts in the way America is expressed on the world.

4. Everlasting Founders theory. The Founding Fathers bound themselves to eternal vigilance over the republic they founded - but they require sustenance in the form of ritual and remembrance. The proxy ordinances offered them in the St. George Temple are the most explicit of such.

5. Portals to Hell theory. America is and has been a location close to Hell, and contains several portals (I was informed that one is near US 54 and 143rd St, Andover, KS)

Unfinished Project Theory. The impulse to liberty found in Americans is a degraded form, a psychic echo, of a much greater nation lost to catastrophe long before Columbus. We were not the first America on the moon.

7. American Trap Theory. The American continent is a lure set by supernatural forces to draw in virtuous peoples and devour them. Our current social degeneration is no accident - the thing that ate the Solutreans is still hungry.

8. Covenant Continent Theory. Settlement in America automatically triggers an agreement with God to live according to terms to be provided by your prophets (you have them, don't you?). Violation of this covenant leads to swift destruction. Vinland set the current record (~30 yrs)

9. Animalia Ascendant Theory. The destiny of America is to be a preserve for all kinds of wildlife, with humans as unwitting grooms. Human activity is manipulated by some clades against others - the megafauna were betrayed by their own. Do not trust buffalo or rabbits.

10. White Horse Prophecy. Allegedly made by Joseph Smith to Edwin Rushton, who waited until 1900 to transcribe it. Describes the future of America with the Four Horsemen representing warring racial/ethnic groups, with the White Horse (Deseret) riding to America's rescue.

A variant on this theory holds that the time for Deseret to save the Constitution has passed, and the White Horse has failed. In this interpretation the grave judgments set to fall on America will also fall on the LDS people.

11. The Isle Royale. Nearly inaccessible island in Lake Superior shows signs of massive copper mining - to supply tools for massive Neolithic projects? But this is less interesting than the claim that the island was literally sung from the heart of the Earth by ancient shamans.

And that claim is less interesting than the one that riches of any kind can be obtained from American soil if one simply knows how to ask. In 1800 California had no gold.

12. Continental Loan Theory. All wealth held by occupants is a debt to the land itself held for its beautification and the glorifying of God, and will be recalled if this is not accomplished. Most forms of private property are in fact impossible here.

https://twitter.com/solutreandream1/status/1279621026402299905

13. Obligate Democracy Theory. The spiritual geometry of America forbids its occupants from any kind of explicit monarchy, with great dooms falling on kings and kingdoms. American dictatorship is an unsatisfactory workaround.

Norton I was, according to who you ask, either a kind of inverse monarch ruling only the people's hearts without interfering in their affairs, or else a mockery of the concept of monarchy itself, raised up by the land as a warning to Maximilian I (their reigns overlapped).

14. American Theocracy Theory. The ideal form of American government is psychotic Puritanism, and any force that tries to redirect this country from that destiny will find itself reshaped to a Puritan form.

15. Sea of Stars Theory. America is a vehicle built by the collective soul of mankind to colonize space. Our current tribulations are a hiccup in our stellar destiny. Ad Astra Per Aspera.

16. The Eden Doctrine. The original home of humanity is located somewhere in America (typically placed east of Kansas City, but also speculated to be, variously, in Okefenokee Swamp, the Finger Lakes, and Shiprock). The Tree of Life and its attendant cherub, presumably, as well.

17. Security By Audacity Theory. The United States was never meant to be - is manifestly impossible - no god or angel beholding the Angles HERE and the Adirondacks THERE made the connection - the universe's sheer SURPRISE at our existence has prevented catastrophe.

18. American Enoch Theory. The American continent held one or more sanctified cities that ascended to God's presence, leaving the remainder to smother in their fumes. The land is tense, coiled, awaiting their return.

19. Cowboyocracy. America is meant as a land of freedom to a semi-nomadic equestrian class, and will be reduced to a state that allows such a people to flourish.

20. Moral Exemplar Theory. Weak version: Americans have a special commission to teach civilization to the rest of the world. Strong version: The morality of the USA sets a hard ceiling on that allowed to other nations, who are forced to degenerate in our wake.

21. River Runes. American waterways are the expression of some kind of spell, in some versions even a nervous system, grinding away at some arcane purpose now stymied by causeways and dams. Blow Hoover and it might wake up.

The current highway system can be seen as a counter-spell, Eisenhower's attempt to directly counteract its effects. It's said that a close enough look at the effects of the Interstate show that it actually *blocks* commerce.

22. The Yellowstone Caldera. Portal of Apollyon from the Book of Revelation? Site of a botched alien terraforming experiment? Or merely the tomb of an indescribably ancient anaerobic civilization?

23. The Jackalope is a product of a good-natured tall tale, but sensitives in the Rocky Mountains might tell you of an animal that dwells there that was spiritually created by God without receiving a spiritual form, one that cries out to eccentrics in dreams for some, any, shape.

24. Massive pioneer families were a transmigration sink for the glut of Indian souls then awaiting reassignment. The frontier was only able to close when they had all been reborn.

Nobody knows where the Baby Boom came from.