The story continues - how did the Idiot Son make it to the Dordogne, what did the Mayor think of him, how is that dog bite, where are his shoes?
All will be revealed.
Despite his trials and tribulations at St Pancras the idiot son did make his later train.
He arrived in Paris where he was astonished to discover that the city has more than one train station.
He has to cross Paris, he does not speak French, he has no shoes.
"Paris has so many stations and the taxi drivers all refuse to speak English. I know they are doing it on purpose. Also no proper London black cabs here, only Citroen cars, not sure I trust them"
"Yes, tramps. They've always been a problem for him"
"Yes well that happens a lot. He struggles with laces"
As agreed I messaged his father to let him know. Ominous response,
"Was it the right train?"
While he was on the train I had yet another email from the father. He again was asking (demanding) compensation but seems unable to say who should pay it. I referred him to Nigel Farage for help.
"It's ok I did a deal with a bloke here on the train"
He bought a pair of shoes from another passenger on the train. Who sells their shoes ?
"No, will he do a deal on this Brexit stuff, I'm not here to waste time"
He was really shocked and it was only then it all sunk in.
"This Brexit thing has screwed us hasn't it ?" I agreed it had.
"What will I tell Mum?"
He fell in the pool.
My wife had to walk away.
"Bonjour Monsieur" The lady in the new dress collapsed with laughter and had to be helped to a chair and given a glass of water.
"He wants to know if you speak French" I said
"Of course I bloody don't. That's what Brexit was all about"
"Why does he think I can do this"
"Tell him I can't
"I have, many times"
"I do not have such powers, Is he dangerous?"
"Is he stupid?"
There was a crash outside and I later found out one of the staff had fallen off a chair while trying to listen. Idiot son lent forward, the Mayor lent back,
"What will it take to change your mind?"
" Do not say another word of you will be going to jail" I jerked my thumb toward the door and there was the formidable sight of a very large Gendarme from the local station.
"Does he want a drink as well?"
I apologised to the Mayor who continued to pretend he spoke no English. I suggested we left but that was not good enough for the idiot son,
"Tell him we can all do well out of this, we will all be winners at the end"
"It is you and those who voted for Brexit who wanted this"
He had on one of his own shoes and one of mine.
One dirty white Adidas trainer (his)
One brown Berlutti Enzo Scritto loafer (mine)
"All sorted out and ok now ?"
"You are punishing us for Brexit being a success"
"Success ? Success ? What is a success with Brexit"
"Because we are not pushed around now"
"I'm not leaving until you agree to let my family stay"
Gendarme puts hand on pepper spray
I continue to ease toward the door (still looking at his shoes)
"If you wish to stay, you must become French"
It is important to understand the cataclysmic effect those words had on the idiot son, "You must become French"
He stopped breathing, his hand gripped the arm of the chair, he looked at me, he looked at our Mayor, he looked at the Gendarme. The Gendarme smiled.
"Who the fuck are you smiling at"
Idiot son fell off his chair and shouted,
"I'm British, you can't do that"
"Can you ask him where the new Universal Weight Pliers are ?"
My wife arrived and was outside demanding to be let in, the idiot son was arrested and the Mayor was pouring glasses of water over his face to wash away the spray, he had lost my shoe so I was kneeling on the ground ..
The Gendarme was dragging idiot son away. My phone rang again. It was the father,
"So, how's it all going there?"
"All we have done for you and you steal our shoes?" The Gendarme (mentally adding shoe thief to the list of charges) dragged idiot son from the room.
As idiot son was dragged away she kicked him.
"You can't force me to be French" as he was dragged out.
"My friend, it was just as you predicted. He is indeed a man who needs watching"
"Merci, this has been the very best of days here"
"Lunch my friends. We must not let this affair interfere with our digestion"
Near us is a small cafe with outside seating now allowed. I had a croque madame with a Leffe Blonde.
"It's not gone well to be honest, he got into an argument, he was pepper sprayed and then arrested"
He sighed heavily,
"O God, it's Alton Towers all over again"
"What a plank, get him to call me"
A message from his father - "Can you help at police station?"
"You're going to go to aren't you?"
I nodded, she left.
"I can't believe I don't have any shoes" he said, 'that's always happening"
"He's never going to let me forget that day. It was only a small fire and the lady was fine about it, everyone overreacted"
Not sure if I want to press him on this.
"You see that walnut tree, there's a squirrel who lives in it called Alan" he said.
"Because the one who lives in the other tree is called Eric"
"But Morecome and Wise were called Eric and Ernie"
"No I don't think so" he said with the absolute confidence of the ignorant.
"Eric and Alan, they were great"
"Not yet, I need to think about this becoming French stuff. It's a big decision, I suppose I will need to learn French"
"Almost certainly" I said
"Bloody French, always with the stupid rules"
"Because of the immigrants" he said
"Like you did in France" I said.
"That was different, we're expats"
He thinks this is a good idea.
Tomorrow the final instalment, how the idiot son electrocuted himself before he caught the train back to Paris.
By chance we saw at the supermarket the lady who changed her working day and bought a new dress.
She said that day was the absolute best day of her nine years working in the Mayor's office. They were all still talking about it today it seems.
The railways here in France are very much open and little if any is fenced off, there is an assumption of intelligence on behalf of SNCF toward passengers.
That was their first mistake.
Idiot son knew better. He was not going to be "pushed around" by either SNCF or electricity in general.
"Never trust the French, remember they own the EU"
I was confused.
"Yeah but it's run from Brussels" he said.
".. and Brussels is in France"
"You need to learn a bit about Europe mate"
I stopped myself laughing as he tapped the side of his nose and said,
"I've done a lot of reading on it"
"Well not so much books but I have watched a lot of You Tube videos since this all started. Nigel Farage and that lot, they showed me how it works. Everyone has limos and the like. He exposed them"
"The EU does a lot of good stuff, take Health & Safety in the workplace, they have bought in rules that protect everyone including you when you are at work"
"Health and Safety ? Don't make me laugh it's all a waste of time mate. You don't need it if you just use common sense. That's what I do and I'm good"
"See, no problem, just use common sense"
"Nah, nothing to worry about"
He kicked it again
A small wisp of smoke appeared
Blue and yellow sparks flew from the box.
He jumped backwards and fell into a flower bed (possibly mixed Dahlias)
He shook his head
"Fuck me, what idiot put that there ,that's dangerous that is?"
We are now back in the present and yet the saga has not finished.
Next time I shall update you with the attempts by the father to influence both the EU and the UK.