Thread by @MarkFrancois12

Extracts from the plague diary of Mark ne-Francois-Pepys

15th July 1665

Up pretty betimes to my Sugar Puffs made with Monster and due to Hartley-Brewer’s efforts with the smoothing press I am become known locally as the ‘Man in the ironed mask’. Yet we hear among

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the attention starved, the classical libertarians and the silenced, there is grayte apprehension about the wearing of face-coverings; and I believe I must speak to the purpose, that when simple efforts to mitigate a deadly plague are met with resistance by Mask Separatists,

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those whose crotches moisten to think of a compulsory military uniform but are so lacking in the degrees of self-confidence they cannot be asked to wear something that might benefit another, and cry treason at it, well it shakes my patriotism to its core: a mind that fears

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the sight of its masked self in a TK Maxx mirror is one in need of further self-reflection. And so confounded are these philodoxes by the discipline of scientific enquiry, they openly advertise their ignorance of it, selectively citing that which sates their bias, whiles

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mistaking its sceptical rigour for their own incredulity. And I think that our Touchstone had it: that the fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool. So abroad by coach to Sports Direct about some trackies, and I did there run into some

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of these posturing counter-veilers around the Reebok Classics; Suzanne Evans, Oakeshott, Dougy Carswell, Des Swayne, The Toadmeister, Delingpole, the boy Grimes, Hitchens, Carole Malone, all spitting barnacles about their emaskulation, and had I writ it,

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I could never have conceived how prettily this self-embarrassment was performed: that against palliating a plague, or simpler, communicating a collective effort, these beef-witted gull-catchers do offer chafing and not being told what to do as

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their absolution adding ‘face nappy’, ‘bedwetter’ and ‘muzzle’, I believe, as accompanying witticisms; thus, we are compelled to think of the messy consequences of the two year old that will not be compelled to potty, that from such youthful experiences

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are our adult minds framed; and I do believe that these most recent performances of our freest thinkers might be a direct window into their infancies. And so we thank them for the insight. Skittles. Bed.

With special thanks to @MrJunkerBarlow for the loan of these mint condition Top Trumps. Collect the set!

(@ClarkeMicah @DouglasCarswell sorry, couldn't tag you at the top)