RE: last thread - I think a lot of us need to learn how to deal with jealousy much more effectively. Social media exacerbates envy x100 - and then can also convince you that those poisonous, interpersonal feelings are actually legit and structural e.g. 'oh well, they rip off BW'.
Current discourse convinces us that all conflict is abuse, that being personally aggrieved is trauma and that if we feel slighted or envious of someone, that there must be a legit structural reason and they're actually 'bad'. Sometimes - we're just jealous. And that's ok.
Being jealous is normal. Our society is geared around a notion of 'success' that teaches us there's only room for a select few at the top and that celebrity is the key to happiness. Of course that makes people envy those who are 'making it'.
Especially if you belong to a demographic where even fewer people are allowed a seat at the top table, and are of an age where all around you, everyone is building a 'platform' thanks to apps/social media etc.
But the key is learning to deal with those feelings, to understand that ironically, THEY are structural in that they come from structures that encourage individualisation and celebrity industrial complexes above mutual building and support.
Dealing with jealousy was a big goal for me in 2019/2020. As a freelancer in the media, where personal branding and platform is everything, jealousy can eat you up and destroy you.
I have got a lot better at channelling my jealousy and trying to make sure I don't conflate resentment that comes from envy with legitimate reasons to critique or have a distaste for someone (which can exist alongside each other!)
The first step? Admit it to yourself. Just cop to it. Say it mentally: 'I am jealous'. It makes things so much easier to just breathe that out and not let it poison you.
Then ask yourself what it is you're actually jealous of about that person. Is it a certain commission or job they did? Is it their profile? Is it because they just 'have a platform'? Analyse where these feelings are coming from.
Ask yourself: 'Am I jealous of [X aspect] because I really want that for myself or is it just what I've been told I *should* be doing that?'
If it turns out you want that goal, then it's time to sit down and figure out what your barriers to achieving it are.
If it turns out you want that goal, then it's time to sit down and figure out what your barriers to achieving it are.
Now, it might be that they are structural and not directly within your power to overcome. We don't live in a meritocracy. But if this the case, try and take action regardless. Reach out to people for help. Talk to them. Maybe even reach out to the person you are eyeing with envy.
If it turns out the barrier isn't as big, then start to tackle it. Work out how you can reach that goal. What are the concrete steps to achieving what you want? So much jealousy comes from insecurity or frustration at ourselves. Acting immediately relieves that pressure.
Focusing on what you are doing and building cuts out so much of the noise. One key thing I did was set a clear goal for my work. A lot of my jealousy had previously come from having a very vague idea of what I wanted. So I envied those who were 'achieving' solid things.
Once I set a goal for my work that was tangible and measurable ('helping amplify underrepresented voices') it focused me on what I was doing and not what other people around me were.
Also, remember that social media is a shiny version of reality. We say it so much but I really think people forget that we mostly post successes on here, without any evidence of the level of work and graft that has gone into them.
Thirdly, accept the world is unfair. This sounds counterintuitive but trust me. The moment I remembered that actually, our society is NOT meritocratic and that a failure to 'succeed' as it defines it is not due to individual lack of gift or talent, life got a lot easier.
That's no shade on people who do - they are often very talented and deserve the limelight fully (except, say some ex-home secretary's daughters etc). But if you measure 'success' via 'visibility and 10k followers on Insta', that isn't healthy because it simply may not happen.
This is something we will hopefully change. But right now society is unfair. It's not equal. We must personally redefine our definitions of 'success' and how 'happiness' can be achieved. I promise that the jealous urges massively diminish if you do.
Talking personally here, once I got less jealous it got far easier for me to support my peers. Big them up. Recommend them to producers and editors. Reach out to them and tell them how much I respected them. It has not limited my own opportunities; it's increased them.
Jealously is about individual competition; it keeps us bitter, divided and the seats at the table limited. Collective solidarity and mutual support gives everyone fruit and a brand new table, outside of the existing systems that want to keep us 'in our place'.
I could go on because I have so many thoughts about this but I'll leave this here. The point is: next time you feel that stab of jealousy and go to indirect - log off. Confront it within yourself first. Process it. And then turn it into something positive. ❤️
