How to Win Arguments (ππππππ)
I used to spend a lot of time arguing with people.
About anything and everything. Offline and online.
It gave me a rush. I wasted a lot of time and energy doing it. And often acted like an asshole.
About anything and everything. Offline and online.
It gave me a rush. I wasted a lot of time and energy doing it. And often acted like an asshole.
I've tried to fix that over the last year.
The first step was to recognize that I had a problem. Grateful to have friends who pointed it out.
I realized that this compulsive behavior was my ego βstriving for superiorityβ to counteract not feeling good enough.
The first step was to recognize that I had a problem. Grateful to have friends who pointed it out.
I realized that this compulsive behavior was my ego βstriving for superiorityβ to counteract not feeling good enough.
It's crazy how much of our behavior is guided by unconscious thought patterns. Knowing yourself is a long (but extremely rewarding) journey.
The next realization for me was that arguments are pointless.
You can't change anyone's mind through arguments.
The next realization for me was that arguments are pointless.
You can't change anyone's mind through arguments.
When you argue with someone, you only end up strengthening their beliefs.
Because people dig deeper to defend their positions.
And the more they invest in an idea, the more strongly they cling on to it.
Because people dig deeper to defend their positions.
And the more they invest in an idea, the more strongly they cling on to it.
It's always difficult (sometimes impossible) to get people to see your point of view.
So now, I instead focus on listening and understanding their point of view.
So now, I instead focus on listening and understanding their point of view.
One, it allows me to develop a holistic perspective. And consider that maybe I'm wrong. In which case I should just shut the fuck up.
(Also, we should be able to hold contradictory ideas in our head)
Two, it helps me understand how they have built up their beliefs.
(Also, we should be able to hold contradictory ideas in our head)
Two, it helps me understand how they have built up their beliefs.
Here's the thing. People will only change their beliefs when the realization comes from within them.
That won't happen when you attack their ideas.
But you can make it happen with the right questions.
That won't happen when you attack their ideas.
But you can make it happen with the right questions.
You can use questions to make them realize the flaws and inconsistencies in their beliefs. And even lead them towards your ideas.
And if you have spent time understanding how they have built up their belief, you'll know how to dismantle it.
And if you have spent time understanding how they have built up their belief, you'll know how to dismantle it.
Simple questions like:
"What would be an example?"
"Why is that happening?"
"Who would benefit from that?"
"Have you always felt this way?"
"Have you considered the alternative...?"
"How do you think that would make others feel?"
"How would this help you achieve what you want?"
"What would be an example?"
"Why is that happening?"
"Who would benefit from that?"
"Have you always felt this way?"
"Have you considered the alternative...?"
"How do you think that would make others feel?"
"How would this help you achieve what you want?"
Socrates was really good at this.
He would ask his students targeted questions in order to provoke thoughts, help them analyze concepts, and get to the truth.
He would ask his students targeted questions in order to provoke thoughts, help them analyze concepts, and get to the truth.
He knew where he wanted his students to arrive, but instead of simply lecturing them, he would lead them to an epiphany by asking a series of questions.
This method is called Socratic Questioning (of course).
This method is called Socratic Questioning (of course).
Socratic Questioning is a powerful tool in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and Sales.
It's powerful because when we arrive at a conclusion on our own, we own it.
It's powerful because when we arrive at a conclusion on our own, we own it.
But again, I don't think you should go about trying to change everyone's beliefs. I learned it the hard way.
Your own beliefs might be flawed for all you know.
Apply discernment. The best way to win arguments is to prevent them.
Your own beliefs might be flawed for all you know.
Apply discernment. The best way to win arguments is to prevent them.
β’ β’ β’
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