For the first time in years, I took last Sunday off from live tweeting the New York Times wedding section. Being disconnected from the internet, amid the splendor of nature and the love of my family, made me realize something really important:
People whose nuptials are in Vows have regular access to beautiful seaside houses and they don't even have to save up cash or vacation days to enjoy it. This is deeply unjust. We should mock them whenever possible. So let's get to it...
This would be so funny if it concerned an actual German person who tends sheep and was stranded somewhere. 
Side note: I presume dudes named Fritz are legally required to dote on German shepherds.
No surprise here: wage laborers in the ranching industry in Texas don't have retirement plans.
New York Timesiest Job of the Week
Once again, this works way better is he's talking about people.
Op shit
Big Spice Girls energy.
New York Timesiest Sentence of the Week
Yes. Nothing says "never messes up" like finding success in a family business and then starting a new business that is quickly absorbed by that family business.
I love how people from elsewhere will be like "We have a special relationship with New York City" and then "their special place" is the trifest possible location in the whole city.
"But why did you cheat on her?"
If this lady's marketing materials don't include the slogan "Goebig or go home," she needs to quit right now.
(Disappointingly, she is not a professional photographer and probably has no occasion to use that killer marketing slogan.)
The details about the car here are ... intriguing.
"If that Grand Am were blue," he said with a laugh, "I never would have opened up."
People should give their children the names they want, and I don't like to make fun of them unless they're very WASPy. But I will say that knowing her daughter's name makes her son's name seem much more ... medical.
Also, why does anyone in the whole world feel the need to lionize cops when volunteer firefighters exist? I mean, more risk, no racist abuse of the populace, *and* they're volunteers? COME ON! LOOK AT THESE TWO. YOU LOVE THEM.
Meanwhile, in more rarefied climes, Harvard Law School alums *can't believe* they would meet in the world even though they didn't meet when they overlapped in Cambridge. WHAT ARE THE CHANCES?
Stop gentrifying dad jokes.
The struggle is real.
"Symbolism" was right there, but my man had to aim higher.
This is absolutely the description of a minor character is a Tom Robbins novel.
How, have I always only know the alternative spelling, chirimoya? Thank God I googled it before making a fool of myself on the internet.
Hello. Here is your weekly reminder that these Vows people (the white ones, anyway) move in a different world (the Hartford story is from two weeks ago).
(OK, I stand corrected: he is Black, so arbitrary police harassment is probably something he has had to deal with.)
(They are both Black. It's live tweeting and I often don't look at the pictures till after. I am sorry.)
Such a rarity in the pages of Vows!
On the one hand, this is an interesting question, which I'd never considered. On the other hand, sending links to prove you were right the day after a first date is ... not an auspicious start.
New Jersey Town Most Likely to Share a Name with a Minor Dickens Character of the Week
Patriarchy is a trip, man.
(I'm probably being unfair to her off-the-cuff, flirtatious text.)
Truly, a can't-miss square on the Vows bingo card.
Side note: her family's non-summer home is in Greenwich, which means the home is roughly the size of Rhode Island, but they still have an *extra* home in Massachusetts.
Imagine meeting someone fluent in Spanish in New York. Wow.
This week's theme seems to be the magical way that fate works to bring elites together despite the odds.
Relatable.
Well, that's all for this week. I'll be driving from Connecticut to western Iowa tomorrow for my mom's funeral, so if you have appreciated this important review of elite weddings, feel free to leave me snacks along I-80.
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