Not since HIV have viruses & bacteria been this ANGRY at a new member. They are so disgruntled by SARS2, they’re helping make vaccines against it. Pathogens are a Mafia- they have a Pathogen Bad Guy Code. What’s the Code? Who’s askin? Don’t tell humans! (Oh, I’ll tell you...) 
The Pathogen Bad Guy Code is to never really, truly scare HUMANS! You can be bad, you can be gross, and you can even be a bit deadly, but don’t ever be so bad, gross, or deadly that humans stop hanging out together. B/c that wrecks it for everyone!
Just look at flu! It’s having a really bad year. “Business is way down”, said flu. “COVID has humans isolating, masking up! They ain’t shaking hands, even.” Fortunately, flu has a decent side biz in animals so it’s getting by & ready to make a comeback. advisory.com/daily-briefing…
Adenoviruses & rhinovirus that cause colds aren’t psyched either. “SARS2 is just too crazy, too undisciplined. Props for spreading asymptomatically, but it kills ~1%. We’re into sneezing or diarrhea mostly, a touch of fever. SARS2 broke the Code w/ excess death.”
Adenovirus adds, “That’s why I’m pitching in w/ COVID vaccine effort. We gotta rein in SARS2.” Indeed, a few companies are developing vaccines that use adenoviruses to deliver instructions for how to make SARS2 spike protein their immune systems can make antibodies against.
Adeno-associated virus (AAV), which doesn’t do much on its own (it’s Mini-Me to adenovirus’ Dr. Evil) is also in on a vaccine program. A spokesvirus for the Pathogen Mafia added, “we also called on members of the rabies & pox families to take out SARS2. We really hate SARS2.”
Borrowing from the Silence of the Lambs playbook, the Mafia sent for baculovirus. It infects moths but in this case makes a vaccine that’s generating the highest neutralizing antibodies of any vaccine in clinical trials. “I’m gonna mothball SARS2.”
To be clear, baculovirus is not related to Scott Bakula (“He wishes”, sneered the virus). Scott took the high road, “I wish well any virus helping to take down SARS2, but I’m particularly proud that the enterprising moth virus named for me offers a quantum leap in efficacy.”
Same bacteria are worried. Speaking for Gonorrhea, Syphilis, & itself, Chlamydia said “we had a hard time when HIV hit. People started using condoms & even abstaining! Thanks to HIV meds, humans got sloppier & we’ve been making a real comeback. Now SARS2!” ncsddc.org/wp-content/upl…
In truth, the sexually transmitted pathogens probably needn’t worry too much. STD rates have been climbing in some places despite COVID, partly b/c people are less likely to go in for testing, making contact tracing harder. “We’re really counting on young people”, said Gonorrhea.
While 15-24 year olds make up only 25% of sexually active population, they account for half of the 20M STD cases in US each year. afcurgentcare.com/torrington/abo…
Asked if COVID was putting a crimp in its summer, Syphilis commented, “Lucky for us, kids don’t scare easy. We’re doing ok, esp in Alaska.” ktuu.com/2020/07/31/ala…
Still, all the pathogens agreed that they would like to see an end to social distancing. “We sorely need to get back to normal”, said Herpes. “Let’s get people back to shaking hands, hugging, and, my personal favorite, kissing and sharing drinks. Vaccine can’t come soon enough.”
Asked to comment, SARS2 explains, “I’m just a new kid. I saw how SARS1 & MERS came out hot & heavy, causing symptoms and killing people. I tried to tone down by act. I swear. You gotta admit, I’m not nearly as lethal as those guys, but I could use some more help from a vaccine.”
Say what? That’s right. SARS2 is looking forward to a vaccine. Why? “B/c I don’t want people to be so scared of me they don’t go out & mingle. I mean, it’s not like humans are smart enough to all get vaccinated & keep getting booster shots. They get sloppy. So I’ll stick around.”
SARS2 continues, “Look at flu. Kills 40k Americans each year & yet <50% of Americans get vaccined.”
“But you’re scarier!” Flu retorts.
SARS2 replies, “True, but you watch, I’ll get by. Vaccines will take the edge off me but humans don’t have the discipline to take me out.”
“But you’re scarier!” Flu retorts.
SARS2 replies, “True, but you watch, I’ll get by. Vaccines will take the edge off me but humans don’t have the discipline to take me out.”
Flu virus grumbles, “SARS2 is only thinking of himself. He doesn’t realize his vaccine will end up bundled w/ my vaccine & more people will take that & make it harder for me. Ain’t good for me. That’s why there’s a Code! You gotta respect the Code! Never scare humans.”
