Academia is great. It allows us to think for a job which is a massive privilege, discover new things and stay curious. Many go through the system just fine. Let's not forget there are also a whole host of people that don't get through "just fine". 1/
There's the people that come out with their mental health far worse than when they came in. With nearly 50% of PhD students experiencing anxiety and depression (high above the norm) it can't just be put down to the individuals. The environment is absolutely at play. 2/
There's the bullied, abused, the harassed, the marginalised, the mistreated, who's voices get lost in the noise because they go elsewhere because they need references and fear speaking up due to power dynamics, or simply have to get out. 3/
So yes. Whilst there are many of us that enjoyed our PhD programs, there's a lot to be said about toxic positivity. Because by denying that problems exist, or saying that usually it's fine, invalidates those that feel alone and broken. 4/
For those of us that had a good time - it's on us to improve it for those that did not. If it scares a few people into going in with their eyes wide open, good. Only by knowing the issues, one day, when they are struggling, they'll know that it's not them, it's the system 5/5
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How my ADHD masking manifests, and how they've always been seen as positive traits, so no-one really ever stopped to check that just because I was functioning didn't mean I was fine...a few examples:
Always being early for meetings and social events. Always on time. Wayyyyy on time. Like ridiculously early because then I *can't* be late.
How it looks: Organised and engaged.
How it makes me actually feel: stressed and anxious that I must get there early.
Responding to emails straight away, because if I don't, I might forget to get back to someone.
How it looks: Super on the case, lots of energy.
How it makes me actually feel: Often burned out/singed at the edges
A couple of ways ADHD presented during my PhD that made me feel like a terrible researcher:
-Not being able to read papers for more than ~1 min
-Being asked about literature and not remembering even though I HAD read them
-Getting involved in ALL of the things and overstretching
Coping mechanisms I learned over time:
-Making myself whole presentations about a paper to keep myself engaged
-Using "read aloud" functions for papers
-Running a paper book club to help me find it interesting
-Saying "I don't know" a lot
Oh and I genuinely resented people will great memories and it really wasn't there fault. But also memory and ability are not the same.
I didn't realise I had ADHD until the start of the pandemic. At that point, particularly with lockdown, all my decades of masking and coping mechanisms I'd built got ripped apart very, very quickly. For my whole life I'd kept myself BUSY.
In fact, being busy and doing ALL of the things in the society we live in, is seen as a huge asset, so why would anyone contend that? I struggle to focus on one thing for prolonged periods, so switching through what seems like an inordinate amount of projects enables me to...
...mix things up, and keep my interest up. Most of these were gone quickly, as this included social activities. I was then stuck in my own head a lot. It's also busy here. But what that often becomes is anxious. I've gone from A to B to Z in 3 seconds.
I do the majority of my talks at £500 each (plus travel if it's not online). The prep, the time and the energy it takes me takes a lot out of me. That way I can use the money for myself, for my causes, or donate my time where I see fit. But it IS work, and should be paid.
A lot of takes on that thread though like "you could help someone but you chose not to because you didn't get paid enough" not appreciating the irony though.
Also: I'm lucky. I have a lot of privilege and could afford to get by without charging but then, by not charging, I'd be setting precedent for not paying others. And I think DEI work needs to be valued and paid.
Why is seeking an ADHD diagnosis so important to me? Why bother when I've got a PhD, a good job, I've lived so long without it formally diagnosed?
I've lived a massive portion of my life with anxiety (including chronic stomach issues) and depression. 1/
I've also had periods of time in my life where I've been suicidal. It's not until recently (due to pandemic pressure on top of everything else I've realised, with help from my therapist, I likely have ADHD). Here's the thing: 2/
"Anxiety and depression turn into low self-esteem and self-loathing, and the risk for self-harm and suicide attempts is four-to-five times that of girls without ADHD" according to a recent study apa.org/news/press/rel…
My story of medical misogyny is going to the doctors 5 times with "side pain" and being told it's "just period pain" or "IBS". When I finally got a scan it was an "ovarian cyst the size of a potato". By the time I was booked in for surgery it ruptured. Believe people 😕
Top points for the people wading in to tell me that medical misogyny isn't a thing
Genuinely overwhelmed and my heart goes out to you all sharing your stories 💔