Here are the current Teams in philosophy, as defined by me in a completely idiosyncratic way that I have no intention of trying to justify or even pretend is sociologically well founded in the slightest.
The LEMMings - once the ultra dominant group in Anglo American departments, developed a unified worldview out of work in the philosophy of language, epistemology, mind, and metaphysics. Will be remembered as the scholasticism of our age when it goes extinct in ~15 years time.
The Rearguard of the Vanguard of the Professional Middle Classes - up and coming youths of formerly excluded groups demand the right to enter and be taken seriously in elite cultural roles. Philosophers see what they say on Tumblr and develop elaborate post-hoc rationales for it.
Less Wrong Without The Orgies - did you know that anything worthwhile and much else besides that has been established about anything in the past half century can be reestablished in a Bayesian model? Well you do now. This group will be reckd when they rediscover Roko's basilisk.
The Alt Right In Denial - Heideggerians
The Object Orientated Ontologists - if you ask them why they do what they do they'll tell you they're really interested in thinking about how agency and space and material culture interact. Then insist that to do this properly you have to attribute a worldview to coffee tables 🤷
The Antiquarian Snobs - usually but not always Thomists, are absolutely sure the present age is ever so gauche compared to their preferred period of study, wherein Real Philosophy was done that could elevate the mind and set the youth straight and so on and so on. Just the worst.
The HPS Holdouts - inspired by the radical proposition that philosophers should actually know stuff about what they talk about, this group has been diligently producing book reports on whatever it is scientists are up to now for the past 60 years. Morally opposed to being useful.
The People Who Like Jordan Peterson/Zizek/Nick Land - proto-fascist undergrads who will run the world in 20 years time.
The Formal Africana Social Epistemologists of Science - small group, consisting of some good work by Remco Heesen and utterly worthless self indulgent nonsense that achieves nothing and objectively makes philosophy worse by everyone else involved.
The QFT Phil Physics Brigade - charming and eccentric Pythagoreanism revival movement, physicists I know tell me they are "quaint" and "delightful, making allowances and once you look past the obvious". Good for them that's what I say.
The People Complaining They Don't Have A Team - they're in this team
The Alt Right in Even Deeper Denial - Rawlsians
The Naturalists - literally just this meme 
