Thread by @justenwrites

Okay, Harrow thread: begin.

Give me alllllll the hate ships

1. I am here for the second person
2. “Hell spit you back out. Fair enough.” Woof.

The Emperor making static noises over the radio is good and pure

we are fifty pages in...we have no mention of GIdeon and.... I am Worried folks

"There was another girl who grew up alongside Harrow - but she had died before Harrow as born."

EXCUSE ME WHAT THE FUCK

Why the fuck is Ortus taking such a...

Okay, I just went back and why the fuck is Harrow's cav's name fucking garbled.

This book is a fucking attack.

uhhhhhh soooooooooooo

Harrow just sending herself letters?

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS THIS BOOK

"You leant down and - holy shit - kissed her squarely on the mouth. This, at least, wasn't expected - how could she what the fuck"

The second-person narrator here is my fucking recations to this book as well

Okay, tossing a rot13 theory here:

gur ybff bs tvqrba jnf fb greevslvat sbe uneebj gung fur unq vnagur erzbir nyy zrzbel naq genpr bs tvqrba sebz ure fbhy

.... Hmmmmmm, more scenes with Ortus. Troubling.

hahaha "Bone frenzy". It feels weird missing my usual source of dirty jokes.

Oh. Oh. We have creepy messages and only Harrow can see them?

coolcoolcoolcoolcoolcoolcoolcool

alrightalrightalrightalright

noprobnoprobnoprob

GOD HIMSELF CHANGING HIS MIND NINETEEN TIMES.

not gonna lie i sorta love the emperor

motherfucker did I just see the word 'mlem' written on this page? I love it

"Who is *some* in this instance, and does their name rhyme with Nercynorn?"

God damn, Undying Prince, I just spit up my coffee.

"Oh, so you and Augustine are talking again?"

HOW DOES THIS MAN HAVE SUCH DAD ENERGY

I am sorry, but "hyperpotamous travel?"

OH, so the Emperor is a fucking meme lord? BLESS THIS OLD DAD.

“Let us imagine the lava is full of unkillable man-eating magma fish.” I know the Emperor. He is me.

PLEASE SOMEONE find me art of the Emperor so I can use it to make memes without spoiling myself

the metaphor...keeps....going.... Bless this garbage man.

"Life's a bitch."

"Stop it." The Emperor has SUCH MASSIVE "I will turn this corpse barge around" energy

Oh, I like John! John is a nice name for the Emperor. That's nice.

I'm sorry.

ORTUS.

WHAT.

THE.

FUCKING.

FIRST.

HI. Quick question here.

HOW DARE.

Another question.

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS GOING ON HERE.

Final question.

HOW AM I ONLY 120 PAGES INTO THIS BOOK?

"Yes, but my bone expands when you touch it."

I'm on an emotional roller coaster here, folks.

I feel like I'm going to need a pillow fort for this.

Act One: COMPLETE.

SCREAMING. ENDLESS SCREAMING.

Act 2: Let's just fucking start with fighting the soul of a planet?!

"Close the door and I'll call you Nonagesimus."

Let me hold up my "I SHIP IT" sign

I will take all suggests for the Emperor's novelty mug:

Mondays Make Me Bone Tired is my front runner

OH! We get lore now! I had sorta assumed that the Empire/what have you was like a humanity-encompassing thing so far, but I guess not?

"You were both terribly relieved and terribly frightened." is such a good summary of this entire book.

I think there is some Real Shit going on here with Ortus...

Oh, Number 7 is just....fifty thousand kilometers in diameter huh?

*googles diameter of earth* Oh, fuck me.

*googles bodies of the Solar system* Oh, just the size of Neptune. cool cool cool cool cool cool fuck fuck fuck fuck

So in my continuing "The Locked Tomb Trilogy is 40K but better" vein, Resurrection Beasts are what Tyranids make horror movies about.

Augustine also has MAJOR "Matt Ryan as John Constantine" vibes

This Ortus stuff is messing with me so bad.

Wait, I thought Deuterous survived to the last act of the book?! FUCK?! WHAT IS GOING ON

Is....is the Sleeper in this weird alternate reality Canaan House Griddle?

Okay, a nap happened and I think that's my brain telling me I should stop today. Put a pin on this and continue Harrow tomorrow.

I'm going to fucking RUIN our Mage game tomorrow night with my screaming.

Tuesday the Ninth(month), begin:

is...Is the Saint of Duty's name not Ortus? Harrow the ARG where I have to keep checking the dramatis personae just to make sure things are actually what they were first presented as

"What is impervious? What is a coffin?"
"An adjective and a noun."

Hey we're back at Canaan House where everything is messed up and there's still a vampire with a gun

"Was he actually....waxing necrolagnic?" GOD OF COURSE that exists in this universe

"Don't draw on me with that ridiculous thing. You don't even know where you got it."
"God gave it to me."
"And you've never asked yourself *why*?"

YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. FUCK. HERE WE GO.

Interrupted from reading by work but torturing friends and duping them into using your podcast platform to do a trash Gideon/Harrow meme episode is truly my most Chaos Muppet moment

IN OBEDIENCE TO THE EMPEROR, YOU MADE SOUP

tbh murderous domestic fic is the best part of this book

HOLY FUCKING SHIT WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. THIS IS ALIEN LEVELS OF DINNER.

Hold on. Why the fuck does the 8th House Skull have the anime slice thing? FEAR.

Oh so we're just...rebuilding limbs here. Gross, but cool

Pretty sure the cut/bisected skull indicates some sort of dissonance/timeline difference

"I WILL REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME YOU KISSED ME."

AKLSJFASLKDJFASDLJ THIS FUCKING BOOOOOOOOOK

HAUNTED, YOU SAY? HARROWHARK NONAGESIUS? NAWWWWWWWW

"Why do you keep them around?"
"It's the type of energy I want to take into my future."

More fancy dinners?!?!?!?!?! YES.

Harrowhark is, sadly, not makeover material

Okay, back on reading: I did not just spend half an hour looking up bone crowns for costume ideas.

The Emperor talking about hotties is a fucking delight.

OKAY, THAT'S IT. This is hitting the exact good shit that the Old Guard was hitting! Thank you brain for taking 50% of this book to realize it.

"Dear, I barely hate you."

UGH I want even more of Lyctor domestic bullshit

YES. AUGUSTINE, YOU MESSY BITCH, KISS GOD.

OH. OH. OH.

MS MUIR, YOU ASSAULT ME. THIS IS A PERSONAL ASSAULT.

Harrow: Formulates massive bone bomb
Also Harrow: Detonates it into an empty room

Oh, hey, good for Harrow on trying to k-

Ortus...is....already dead......what what what what

Okay, not dead, but whew that's...a lot.

What is Ortus's deal???

THE BODY IS GONE?! WHAT

UHHHHHHHHHHH WHY IS CAMILLA HERE

WHAT THE

Palamides....good boy.

And I am very worried about where this is going.

"You could never guess that he had seen me."

WHAT THE ABSOLUTE GOD FORSAKEN FUCK

Looks like we get to open some letters!

So the formerly murdered people now joined the Rebels? Cool

Day 3: Begin.

Oh, boy, we're just one week from the Emperor's murder and why is there a bug face looking at me?

Dare I ask what would happen if the Emperor saw a RB? I want to know what kind of disaster that is.

More sexy parties conversation? Delightful.

This briefing has
1. The players insulting the GM's drawing
2. The GM expressing the desire to kill all their players
3. The implication that John has said "What do I know? I'm only God" multiple times in the past.

Oh, cool! Mouths to hell!

neatneatneat, nothing bad going on here

NONE HOUSE, WITH LEFT GRIEF?

PFFFFT

God, the Undying Prince, the Necromancer King: ....Are you and Ianthe practicing safe sex?

WHAT A LAD. WHAT A DAD.

Annabel Lee, huh.... Like the Poe poem?

"You'd make a hell of a daughter, Harrowhark. I sometimes indulge in the wish you were mine."

No, no, I will not cry before 9 on a Wednesday.

sooo...uh, WHAT THE FUCK

IF SHE DIDN'T ENTER THE TOMB, WHAT DID SHE SEE?

"And you walked to your death like a lover." gosh there's so many good ending lines in this book.

This is not a chapter number, but a name? Google tells me that 'epiparados' is the return of the chorus after their initial departure in Greek theater.

FEAR.

Ah, the flash of notifications I get when someone new discovers the thread.

My mornings now

OH. OH. IANTHE. WHAT IS THIS PROCEDURE? IS THIS IT?!!!!!!?!?!?

"Time to absolutely fuck you up."

aslkjdf;ladjfkl;sajfdsd I FUCKING WHAT YES AGGGGH

IS THIS JUST...BRAIN SURGERY WHAT THE FUCK

CAN THIS BOOK SLOW ITS ROLL FOR A SINGLE PAGE

Harrow NOVA?

SOMEONE PLEASE GIVE ME A DRINK

Are...are we getting more AU/alternate timelines?

Wait...why are there pilgrims? I thought no one came to the Ninth

WHAT. IS. GOing. ON.

Her Divine Highness? WHO THIS?

Everything is pain

YES. YES. YES.

And, unsteadily: "Griddle."

;alskjdflk;ajsdf;kljkl;sdafjakls;dfjals;kfjas;klfjsadlk;fjsda

I AM FUCKING HOWLING HERE.

"I decided to remove my ability to incorporate her...by removing my ability to comprehend her."

I HAVE BEEN STABBED THROUGH THE HEART.

Oh. Oh shit. I think I guessed it right? BUT WOW.

WE ARE GETTING FIRST PERSON NOW.

GOD. WHAT THE FUCK YES

"I don't care how much of a hot badass I'm meant to be, I was in the wrong body clutching a sword I'd never used, and you didn't have any muscles, and I absolutely did not feel well."

Missed you, Griddle.

Gideon being forced into an afterlife life without gains is truly a horror story.

"You put me in a box and buried me rather than give up your own goddamn agenda. Harrowhark, I gave you my life and you didn't even want it."

UGH. RIP MY HEART OUT AND CRUSH IT.

"She had been outplayed by Palamedes Sextus, outgunned by Cytherea the first, and undone by Gideon Nav."

I'm just rolling on the floor, slowly dying.

Last 100 pages: LET'S GO

"I had touched your intestines, which was usually what, fourth date?" God this is so good to have back in my eyeballs

I....I....WOW. SO this is a lot regarding Ortus/Gideon and I am freaking loosing it

Is Gideon....a...Lyctor's kid???

Gideon all "Yeah, still got the hots for Cytherea, it's fucking COMPLICATED AND I'M A GAY MESS."

"Now I am dead, Reverend Daughter, and I am sick of roses, and I am horny for revenge."

Gosh I love Dulcinea.

So, uhhhhhhh, the Sleeper? Fuck. That's a lot of murder.

YES. YES. FUCKING KICK IANTHE'S ASS, GRIDDLE.

ONE FLESH, ONE END.

And the fucking sunglasses.

UGH. MY HEART. JUST FUCKING DESTROY ME.

"All I ever wanted you to do was eat me.

Which is, coincidentally, what your mother said to me last night."

This book is like the fucking Tower of Terror when it comes to my emotions.

"She wants the D, and the D stands for DEAD."

I fucking cackled, dear reader.

"I need you to lay off. I was already the worst thing to happen to her, and she doesn't need you trying to one-up that,"

This is just raucous, I love it.

UGH, the fucking PUN.

OH PLEASE, PLEASE TELL ME THAT GIDEON AND JOHN GET TO TALK

Yeah, let's fucking summon the ghost of a legendary hero? alright alright alright

"You're a smart girl, Harrowhark. You might turn some of that brain to the toughest lesson: that of grief."

aahhhhhh

Okay, good, make the right decision, Harrow, even if it's sad.

Oh, we get a new character....

Oh, Commander. There's a Commander mentioned in the BoE right?

"Look, I hate to be flip - but am I in trouble?"

John my perfect dad

THESE FUCKING MESSY IMMORTALS AND THEIR SOAP OPERA DRAMA

"Hi, Not Fucking Dead. I'm Dad."

OH MY FUCKING GOD. OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK I FUCKING

HOW DARE. WHAT THE FUCK AM I READING. THIS FUCKING JOKE IS WHAT THIS BOOK COMES DOWN TO.

I just...fucking... I'm hitting my head on my keyboard because I am the MOST WHELMED

literally half a dozen people @ me right now

I REALIZE NOW that there is..*checks book* 35 pages left in this book.

Just, fuck me dry, Muir, because nothing else can hurt me, and I am finishing this book.

ALECTO'S EYES?

WAIT THAT'S THE NAME OF THE FUCKING THIRD BOOK.

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HEEEEEEERE

OH So..uhhhhhhhh

This Alecto gal sounds real fun, everything is falling into place like a fucking perfect disaster, and I've been laughing so hard I've been crying?!

SO....UHHHHHHHH

GOD'S DEAD? WHAT THE FUCK.

Psych?!

THIS BOOK CANNOT STOP

We get another Frontline Titties of the Fifth reference!

ANNNNNNNNNNND wow

That's where we leave off? Gideon and Harrow dead? Maybe? I don't know? I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS.

IT IS OVER AND I LOVE THIS BOOK BUT GOD I NEED A DRINK.