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12 Sep, 21 tweets, 4 min read
Brexit Trade Talks:

UK: We don’t like our deal

EU: Why not?

UK: We only get 95% of what we want

EU: It only gives us 95% too. That's how negotiating goes

UK: We want a new deal that gives us everything we can think of

EU: But you signed a deal

UK: Don't care, we hate you
EU: Bit rude

UK: We elected people to go to your meetings specifically to say we hate you

EU: And how is Nigel?

UK: Not happy?

EU: Why not?

UK: TV has dried up. So we want a new deal, and we want the deal in 3 weeks, or we cancel our existing deal

EU: Wait, what?
UK: You heard. Give us 100% of what we want in 3 weeks, or we break the law and walk away with 0% of what we want

EU: Er… suits us!

UK: Wait, what?

EU: Perfect. Do it. Walk away. Take Nigel with you.

UK: No, hold on, wait: you have to negotiate, so Boris can win
EU: Why? Right now you have 95% of perfect, and we have 95% of perfect. If we renegotiate, you get more but we get less

UK: That’s right

EU: But if we don’t negotiate, we still have our 95%…

UK: Woah, hold on

EU: … and you have nothing
UK: But… Dom didn't superpredict you'd say that!

EU: And if we don’t have a deal, we don’t have to put up with you shitting on our lawn

UK: The Daily Mail made us do it and then ran away!

EU: I just found this spine. Is it yours?

UK: Welp!

EU: So we’ll just sit this one out
UK: Fine, we’ll go and make a great deal with the US


US: Yo suckers

UK: We are here to get a lovely big trade deal

US: Sure thing. Obey existing deals, and give us 100% of everything, plus 51% controlling share in the NHS, and you get, let’s see, 60% of what you have now
UK: Not good enough, we have a Special Relationship

US: Bye

UK: What?

US: Bye. Talks are over, the Special Relationship is over, your country is over. Bye

UK: But we haven’t got a deal, and we told everyone it would be easy!
US: It is easy: we are 26% of world trade, making deals with EU (20%) and China (17%). We don’t need your 1.8%. No deal: easy

UK: But we really need a deal, the EU outsmarted us

US: We know. Some of us can read. Not Trump, obviously, but the rest of us. Try India

UK: Hi India, remember us?

India: Oh fuck, these guys again

UK: We want a trade deal

India: And we want to vastly increase the number of Indians who can live in the UK

UK: We can’t do that. Turns out we’re, like, properly racist

India: That is brand new information!!
UK: So can we have a deal?

India: Sure, fine. Join the queue

UK: Who’s in front of us in the queue?

India: EU, USA, China, Brazil, Korea, Canada, Australia… basically everybody. We’re kind of a big deal now.

UK: So you’ll be ready to negotiate in, what: 3 weeks?
India: Ha ha ha ha ha

UK: What did we say?

India: 3 weeks? Try 3 years. This shit takes ages, bro

UK: But we had a timetable of 3 weeks with the EU

India: And how did that work out?

UK: Erm…

India: Try Brazil

UK: Hi Brazil

Brazil: We ArE oN FiRe!!

UK: Maybe we can trade you some fire engines?

Brazil: We LiKe bEiNg oN FiRe, iT's OuR tHiNg NoW!!!

UK: Shall we try New Zealand?

Brazil: I aM So DrUnK!!

UK: Yeah, let's try New Zealand

UK: Hi, New Zealand

NZ: Hi, Crazy Uncle

UK: We'd like to sell you some lamb

NZ: Sorry, it's very noisy here, cos we still have a working economy. Did you say you want to sell us some lamb?

UK: Yes

NZ: Hold the line, gotta tell Australia this, they'll piss themselves

UK: Hi Australia, wanna trade stuff?

Aus: We wanna offload Rolf Harris and our worst ever PM. What can you give us for them?

UK: We've already got them

Aus: That was easy! So what can you trade?

UK: We can send you some racists

Aus: I think we're sorted. Try Russia

UK: Hi Russia, we have loads of lovely things we think you'd love to own

Russia: We already own them

UK: You don't own Boris

Russia: True. We rent him by the hour. £160k for a tennis match

UK: We really need a trade deal

Russia: We know. We made you need one. Try China

UK: Can we please have a trade deal?

China: And you are...?

UK: We’re Great Britain

China: Great, you say?

UK: Well… once

China: It’s not ringing any bells. Do you have another name?

UK: United Kingdom

China: United, you say?

UK: Alright, smart arse
China: So you want a trade deal?

UK: Yes, but first we demand you obey international law

China: What happened to your deal with the EU?

UK: We broke international law

China: Have you been drinking moonshine with Brazil again?

UK: We're very tired.
China: Why did you leave the EU?

UK: We couldn’t deal with foreigners telling us what to do

China: What do you want?

UK: A deal

China: With who?

UK: Foreigners

China: And why can’t you get one?

UK: Cos we don’t know what to do

China: Were you dropped as a child?
UK: We just want a trade deal worthy of our status

China: You’ve got one

UK: No we haven’t

China: Yes you have

UK: Why won't anybody take us seriously?

China: Would you like to buy a mirror?

UK: Finally, a deal!
China: You had a deal worthy of your status, with the EU. You don’t need to renegotiate deals: you need to reassess your status. You’re not a mighty nation, you’re a small, wet, heavily indebted island on the edge of an globally important trade bloc, which you just left, you tit
UK: So, what do you suggest?

China: Aw, mate. You already know…


EU: Hi there! Here to rejoin?

UK: Yes, and on the same terms as before

EU: Oh, I don’t think so. Say goodbye to your rebate, hello to the Euro, and bonjour to the Schengen area. Welcommen!

UK: We hate you

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More from @RussInCheshire

31 Oct

Johnson wants UK businesses to prepare for Brexit by following govt advice

But the advice will be shaped by trade deal we don't yet have

And Johnson won't decide on deal until he knows who's in the White House

And postal voting means this could easily be another week
Assume the best case scenario:

1 US election is decided on 3rd Nov

2 Johnson signs a trade deal on 4th

3 Govt advice is finalised and published on the same day

(and how likely is all that?)

Then businesses will have 31 working days to prepare for Brexit. And will be shut.
Because the govt didn't listen to advisors and do a circuit-breaker lockdown, we will now have a bigger lockdown, during which most businesses will be unable to operate fully, or will be completely closed.

And that's when they have to prepare for Brexit.
Read 6 tweets
30 Oct
A major purpose of a Central Bank is to stabilise the economy. When the economy is going too slow, borrow to speed it up. When it overheats, tax to slow it. That tax recoups the borrowed money.

For too long govt has cut taxes in good times, as if bad times never happen.
Not their fault a pandemic happened, but they're a bunch of politicians defined by their response to the 2007 crisis, and act like nobody told them crises could happen.
The UK has had a major recession pretty much once a decade for a century. In that time, there have also been 2 global crashes, 2 global pandemics, and 2 global wars.

These people are meant to learn this shit. Half of them studied Politics and Economics.

They're idiots.
Read 6 tweets
30 Oct
In June, Rebecca Long-Bailey retweeted an interview in which Maxine Peake made comments that some felt were antisemitic.

Maxine Peake apologised and withdrew the interview.

RLB was instructed to delete her post from social media, but refused.
As a result of refusing to follow instructions from the office of LOTO, she was sacked from her cabinet post.

All of this was widely reported. A couple of links below.

Why do I bring it up now?……
How likely is it that Corbyn had no knowledge of how RLB, his protégé and close political ally, had been punished for refusing to toe the line on antisemitism?

Not likely at all.

It is infinitely more likely that he knew exactly what happened before, and did it anyway.
Read 8 tweets
30 Oct
I'm not having a go at Tony or anybody else, this is a serious question. I keep seeing people say Corbyn should sue. But...

Who would Corbyn sue?
And for what?

A bit more below...
As far as I can see, he hasn't been libelled by the report. Embarrassed, but no slander

As far as I'm aware he had the opportunity to contest it pre-publication and didn't

He made comments today, and was required to withdraw them. He refused.
A similar thing happened with Rebecca Long-Bailey - she retweeted something and was asked to withdraw it by a disciplinary board. She wouldn't.

Under Labour rules, that's a disciplinary matter. For me. For RLB. For anyone.

That's my understanding of the situation. However...
Read 4 tweets
29 Oct
This is more of a general comment about politicians than a specific one about Corbyn. So don't pile on.

There is a class of conviction politician who, over time, become convinced they're infallible, simply by dint of a few good / popular acts. And it destroys them...
Thatcher won the Falklands war, and it made her feel invincible. She destroyed Foot, was in the hot-seat when USSR fell, won election after election. It went to her head, she started making woeful decisions, and it ended her movement for 20 years...
You can very easily argue (and I'd agree) many of her decisions were awful BEFORE the ego took over. But by her own standards, she was successful, cos she was capable of taking enough people with her and acting rationally.

Then hubris. Poll Tax. End.
Read 11 tweets
26 Oct
Amazingly, this is my third #TheWeekInTory in 7 days, and if anybody wants to pay for me to go somewhere comparatively sane and relaxing for a week, I’m up for it.

I hear Mogadishu is nice.

Anyway, buckle up, here we go...
1. Previously on The Week In Tory: the govt campaigned for Brexit so we can “look after our own”, and then immediately voted not to

2. Instead they opted to let up to 900,000 children go hungry during school holidays, including – bless you Santa Johnson – Christmas
3. In July, when the govt lifted the original lockdown, Rishi Sunak, the nicest Tory, tweeted “I can’t wait to get back to the pub”

4. This week he voted to let thousands of kids starve, and as a result was barred for life from his local
Read 37 tweets

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