Brexit Trade Talks:

UK: We don’t like our deal

EU: Why not?

UK: We only get 95% of what we want

EU: It only gives us 95% too. That's how negotiating goes

UK: We want a new deal that gives us everything we can think of

EU: But you signed a deal

UK: Don't care, we hate you
EU: Bit rude

UK: We elected people to go to your meetings specifically to say we hate you

EU: And how is Nigel?

UK: Not happy?

EU: Why not?

UK: TV has dried up. So we want a new deal, and we want the deal in 3 weeks, or we cancel our existing deal

EU: Wait, what?
UK: You heard. Give us 100% of what we want in 3 weeks, or we break the law and walk away with 0% of what we want

EU: Er… suits us!

UK: Wait, what?

EU: Perfect. Do it. Walk away. Take Nigel with you.

UK: No, hold on, wait: you have to negotiate, so Boris can win
EU: Why? Right now you have 95% of perfect, and we have 95% of perfect. If we renegotiate, you get more but we get less

UK: That’s right

EU: But if we don’t negotiate, we still have our 95%…

UK: Woah, hold on

EU: … and you have nothing
UK: But… Dom didn't superpredict you'd say that!

EU: And if we don’t have a deal, we don’t have to put up with you shitting on our lawn

UK: The Daily Mail made us do it and then ran away!

EU: I just found this spine. Is it yours?

UK: Welp!

EU: So we’ll just sit this one out
UK: Fine, we’ll go and make a great deal with the US


US: Yo suckers

UK: We are here to get a lovely big trade deal

US: Sure thing. Obey existing deals, and give us 100% of everything, plus 51% controlling share in the NHS, and you get, let’s see, 60% of what you have now
UK: Not good enough, we have a Special Relationship

US: Bye

UK: What?

US: Bye. Talks are over, the Special Relationship is over, your country is over. Bye

UK: But we haven’t got a deal, and we told everyone it would be easy!
US: It is easy: we are 26% of world trade, making deals with EU (20%) and China (17%). We don’t need your 1.8%. No deal: easy

UK: But we really need a deal, the EU outsmarted us

US: We know. Some of us can read. Not Trump, obviously, but the rest of us. Try India

UK: Hi India, remember us?

India: Oh fuck, these guys again

UK: We want a trade deal

India: And we want to vastly increase the number of Indians who can live in the UK

UK: We can’t do that. Turns out we’re, like, properly racist

India: That is brand new information!!
UK: So can we have a deal?

India: Sure, fine. Join the queue

UK: Who’s in front of us in the queue?

India: EU, USA, China, Brazil, Korea, Canada, Australia… basically everybody. We’re kind of a big deal now.

UK: So you’ll be ready to negotiate in, what: 3 weeks?
India: Ha ha ha ha ha

UK: What did we say?

India: 3 weeks? Try 3 years. This shit takes ages, bro

UK: But we had a timetable of 3 weeks with the EU

India: And how did that work out?

UK: Erm…

India: Try Brazil

UK: Hi Brazil

Brazil: We ArE oN FiRe!!

UK: Maybe we can trade you some fire engines?

Brazil: We LiKe bEiNg oN FiRe, iT's OuR tHiNg NoW!!!

UK: Shall we try New Zealand?

Brazil: I aM So DrUnK!!

UK: Yeah, let's try New Zealand

UK: Hi, New Zealand

NZ: Hi, Crazy Uncle

UK: We'd like to sell you some lamb

NZ: Sorry, it's very noisy here, cos we still have a working economy. Did you say you want to sell us some lamb?

UK: Yes

NZ: Hold the line, gotta tell Australia this, they'll piss themselves

UK: Hi Australia, wanna trade stuff?

Aus: We wanna offload Rolf Harris and our worst ever PM. What can you give us for them?

UK: We've already got them

Aus: That was easy! So what can you trade?

UK: We can send you some racists

Aus: I think we're sorted. Try Russia

UK: Hi Russia, we have loads of lovely things we think you'd love to own

Russia: We already own them

UK: You don't own Boris

Russia: True. We rent him by the hour. £160k for a tennis match

UK: We really need a trade deal

Russia: We know. We made you need one. Try China

UK: Can we please have a trade deal?

China: And you are...?

UK: We’re Great Britain

China: Great, you say?

UK: Well… once

China: It’s not ringing any bells. Do you have another name?

UK: United Kingdom

China: United, you say?

UK: Alright, smart arse
China: So you want a trade deal?

UK: Yes, but first we demand you obey international law

China: What happened to your deal with the EU?

UK: We broke international law

China: Have you been drinking moonshine with Brazil again?

UK: We're very tired.
China: Why did you leave the EU?

UK: We couldn’t deal with foreigners telling us what to do

China: What do you want?

UK: A deal

China: With who?

UK: Foreigners

China: And why can’t you get one?

UK: Cos we don’t know what to do

China: Were you dropped as a child?
UK: We just want a trade deal worthy of our status

China: You’ve got one

UK: No we haven’t

China: Yes you have

UK: Why won't anybody take us seriously?

China: Would you like to buy a mirror?

UK: Finally, a deal!
China: You had a deal worthy of your status, with the EU. You don’t need to renegotiate deals: you need to reassess your status. You’re not a mighty nation, you’re a small, wet, heavily indebted island on the edge of an globally important trade bloc, which you just left, you tit
UK: So, what do you suggest?

China: Aw, mate. You already know…


EU: Hi there! Here to rejoin?

UK: Yes, and on the same terms as before

EU: Oh, I don’t think so. Say goodbye to your rebate, hello to the Euro, and bonjour to the Schengen area. Welcommen!

UK: We hate you

• • •

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More from @RussInCheshire

May 10
Parties didn't happen.
They happened but the PM didn't go.
The PM went but thought it was work.
There was a DJ and karaoke, but the PM worked out it was a party in just 25 minutes.
It was a work meeting.
Carrie and her decorator were there because they help Boris to work.
It is right and proper that Allegra Stratton resigned for laughing about a party she didn't attend.
It is right and proper that Boris Johnson does not resign for going to that party.
The PM is FURIOUS to find out parties happened.
Yes, the PM went to the parties.
Jimmy Savile!!
The PM did not say Jimmy Savile.
OK, he said it, and his own staff resigned in disgust, but he's sad about that.
No, he's not sad about that, he was going to sack them anyway.
They weren't parties, it was merely a cake ambush and 24 people for vino in the garden.
Read 10 tweets
May 4
So: fully referenced thread on #Starmer

When Starmer was photographed drinking beer, the restrictions for the public had been partially lifted, and mixing indoors for work was allowed. Including eating meals at your desk.

He was working.…
In addition, the govt had further relaxed restrictions to allow political parties to campaign during the elections. He was in Durham on a campaign visit, and working in a campaign office. Nobody denies this. It was permitted.…
The claim he "ate £200 of curry" sounds excessive until you find out the bill was for the entire office, not one man. Even at £15 a head - a pretty modest amount for a pretty standard curry and beer - that's only 13 people.
Read 8 tweets
Apr 26
A little story for you. This is Laos.

It is the most heavily bombed country on earth. 2 million tons of explosives were dropped on it.

That's 1 planeload of bombs every 8 minutes. For 9 years.

213 bombing missions per square km.

And millions of explosives still remain🧵
So every day, in every square km, men women and children risk standing on unmapped and unexploded bombs, mines and ordinance. They lose lives. Limbs. Are blinded.

This goes on decades after the conflict ends.

But @MAGsaveslives are helping. They just need your help too.

They're the only landmine charity that actually goes out to remove mines and make land safe again.

They destroy weapons, do conflict resolution, provide training, healthcare, prosthetics, and rebuild communities.

They are - excuse my language - fucking heroes.

Read 6 tweets
Apr 26
I might be wrong. I've been wrong loads of times before. I'm good at it. This might be it again.

But if I was Google, this morning I'd start a project to launch a Twitter alternative within 3 months.

Here's what I suspect will come from Musky-Twitter🧵
Musk will want some kind of return on his investment. The current Twitter model doesn't provide it.

So: more ads, especially interstitials ("You must watch this ad before you post/reply"). Extension of the paid-member "blue" model (currently only US/Aus). $5 a month to skip ads
Return of Trump and other scandal magnets, who Musk will hope help drive traffic/ads (cos people want to see the latest scandal).

Likely those huge accounts will get % of ad revenue they generate, encouraging them to tweet MORE outrageous stuff. Moral/political carnage.
Read 8 tweets
Apr 25
It’s been a challenge to find anything to write in the latest #TheWeekInTory. They’ve all been such well-behaved boys and girls.

Only kidding: it’s absolute carnage.

Don your biohazard suits, top up your breakfast absinthe, and let’s dive in🧵
1. Under Boris Johnson, 10 Downing Street now holds the record as the most law-breaking address in the country

2. A just-fined Johnson promised to “set the record straight” by finally telling the truth about the thing he also denies telling hundreds of lies about
3. Having acted contrite for a record 18 minutes in parliament, Johnson performed a “pantomime” to backbenchers so tonally crass that multiple Tory MPs walked out

4. Steve Baker called it “an orgy of adulation, a festival of bombast” and said the PM “should be long gone”
Read 42 tweets
Apr 18
Here's why I think MPs now have to call Johnson a liar in parliament

Some background:

The role of parliament is to hold the executive (the cabinet, basically) to account. The Brexit battles saw the supreme court rule parliament is paramount.

So it HAS to do that job.
Parliament's rules are built on the assumption those in high office are "honourable members" and won't tell lies.

That's codified somewhat in the ministerial code, but the arbitrator of the code is the PM. He can decide to just let himself off, and he will.
Finally, democracy doesn't only happen one Thursday every 5 years. Between elections MPs must protect and maintain our institutions. They are custodians of faith in our system of government. Without that, it can all fall apart in no time. And that's dangerous.
Read 11 tweets

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