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Brendan Fraser Crane Profile picture
@bf_crane
Sep 13, 2020 • 10 tweets • 5 min read • Read on X
Canada isn’t a country, it’s a rubber stump shell company for the oil industry. They let you choose your prime minister like parent let’s their kid choose what shoes to wear, and even then you re-elected a guy who wore blackface in 2001.
Ireland you sold off your proud history for the right to have tech companies squat on your soil and not pay taxes. Everyone there wants to look progressive and impress England, but my Dublin tour guide walked us by a new Chipotle with pride.
Australia was founded by rapists & continued that proud tradition on the land & aboriginal population. Your main industry is filling your universities with Chinese failsons. Your crowning cultural achievement is the time Crocodile Dundee hosted the Oscars.
Denmark if you have to tell everyone how happy you are, it means you’re not that happy. That makes you the Disneyland of nations. We’d all be smiling & goofy with your level of Prozac addiction. Hans Christian Anderson is dead, it’s time for a new author.
Germany stop tutting your tongue at us, you can’t close the book when you’re not done with the chapter. Your police have been massively infiltrated by far right groups, your 3rd largest party is fascist. Your next Hitler is 23 & obsessed with Eurovision.
Sweden’s main industries are pop music & neo-nazism. Ace of Base is when the dynasties merged. The fakest thing about Midsommar is it implied you people believe in anything. You’re a nation of sex pests descending through kinks in order to feel something
Singapore in 1993 Wired called you “Disneyland with the death penalty” & you banned the magazine from your fiefdom, missing the point entirely. “Crazy Rich Asians” was your attempt at propaganda but it made you look worse. I can feel you trying to cane me from across the pacific.
A French citizen living in the UK is like the smaller mouth emerging from the jaws of the alien in “Alien.” I don’t wear a watch, I keep track of time by watching how every French philosopher, artist, or politician comes out as a pedo every 5 min.
I’ve got nothing for the UK
If you look close, the UK actually looks like one of its citizens. Scotland is the dunce cap, England the lumpy inbred head & Wales the vomit dribbling out, joining its brother puke to splatter all over Spain. Boris Johnson is like if Trump didn’t have to work to get where he was

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More from @bf_crane

Brendan Fraser Crane Profile picture
Aug 31, 2024
An actual trad medieval peasant would have cut the throat of a thousand men before him to have access to pasteurization
Funniest Flannery O’Connor moment is in The Enduring Chill when the writer son returns home and tries to bond with the black workers on the family farm by drinking raw milk. They’re like “I don’t think that’s a good idea” and he ignores them and gives himself undulant fever
As a general rule of thumb: whenever the alt-right and wealthy LA yoga moms are in agreement on something, then that thing is trying to kill you and they gave a Nobel prize to the guy who successfully killed it in return.
Read 4 tweets
Brendan Fraser Crane Profile picture
Aug 3, 2023
We are so back Image
Should start by offering a detente between 2005 fans & the 1995 miniseries purists. Both adaptions are perfectly valid & in any case aren't competing over the same audience. 1995 is for lame aunts who think they're the fun aunt & 2005 is for cool girls & the men who respect them
Forgot that this opens with Elizabeth reading Pride and Prejudice. Real Borgesian nightmare if you think too much about it, so let's not. Image
Read 55 tweets
Brendan Fraser Crane Profile picture
Jan 17, 2022
Ready for all of your wildest dreams to come true. Thread incoming. Image
I'm convinced that they added the student ID with the school year to tell everyone that this isn't an 80s period piece, rural Idaho is just like that.
2004 was a great year for Mormons. Middle schools across the country were quoting this gawky LDS youth. A young Brandon Flowers was teaching us about infidelity. George dubya was at least culturally mormon, if aesthetically evangelical.
Read 70 tweets
Brendan Fraser Crane Profile picture
Dec 16, 2021
Feeling festive yet melancholic. Luckily there's a movie for that. Thread incoming. Image
Very funny that everyone insisted on calling him Jimmy. The man was one of our finest actors, a war hero, the avatar of pure Americana. But the second he asks you to call him James in that voice you're like "yeah sure, whatever you say Jimmy." Image
Towns back then had to constantly remind people where they currently were, because of the lead in the water, toys, paint, air, and anti-lead medicine. Image
Read 64 tweets
Brendan Fraser Crane Profile picture
Oct 12, 2021
Livetweet and let die Image
You have to understand the cultural moment. The American Idol shine had warn off, we were starting to wonder why we were still in Iraq. Tony Blair made Brits feel ashamed for the first time in history of the empire. Matt Damon doing parkour terrified the Bond producers.
The last time we had seen Bond he was surfing a tsunami. Black and white cinematography in a former Soviet satellite was the natural over correction, like dating a redhead after a bad break up. Image
Read 73 tweets
Brendan Fraser Crane Profile picture
Jul 14, 2021
If you want to view paradise, this might be a good place to start. Willy Wonka rewatch incoming. Image
Roald Dahl didn't like this movie for a number of reasons, one of them being the name change. But it was totally the right call. All Charlie does is have a dumb face and a worse last name. But Willy Wonka, the alliteration alone puts asses in seats.
Poor Roald, died from the common 20th century disease called "keeping it a little too real about Israel." You want to go for that medium sear, still a little bloody but the outside isn't burnt.
Read 64 tweets

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