We re-watched all of Seinfeld very quickly and last night I dreamt a new episode. It was so vivid that I immediately wrote it down after I woke up. Here it is to the best of my memory. Bear in mind, I came up with this WHILE UNCONSCIOUS....
George is at Jerry's asking if he has his passport.
JERRY: But you never go anywhere!
GEORGE: That's not true!
Elaine buzzes. Jerry lets her up.
JERRY: Brooklyn doesn't count.
GEORGE: FINE! But I'm gong somewhere NOW!
JERRY: Well I don't have your passport.
Elaine enters and immediately Jerry and George react disgusted.
JERRY: Elaine you STINK of smoke!
GEORGE: You smell worse than one of Kramer's Cowombian cigars.
ELAINE: You mean Colombian?
JERRY: He got some knock-offs.
GEORGE: I had to go to Brooklyn with him to pick them up!
ELAINE: Brooklyn? Since when did you start travelling?
GEORGE: SEE!
Kramer enters in typical Kramer fashion.
KRAMER: Whoa! Elaine! Have you been at the Cowombians?
ELAINE: No, it's Mr Peterson. He's been making me take meetings at the airport smoking lounge.
JERRY: But you don't even smoke?
ELAINE: I know. He says that the airport smoking lounge is the best place to make deals because all the businessmen are getting their first hit of nicotine after a long flight, so they're at their most... susceptible.
GEORGE: I've always liked smoking lounges. It's nice to see a group of people more desperate than me for a change.
JERRY: You gotta go Elaine, you're stinking up the place.
ELAINE: Fine!
GEORGE: Hey have you seen my passport?
ELAINE: Yeah, I have it, why?
GEORGE: WHADDAYA MEAN "WHY"? Why do YOU have it??
ELAINE: Because I have so much stuff I have to take to these meetings, it's cheaper for me to check in another passenger and use the luggage allowance than it is to pay for the extra luggage on my own ticket.
GEORGE: WHAT??
ELAINE: Come on George, you were never gonna use it!
GEORGE: It's the PRINCIPLE Elaine! You've been using MY identity! I'm not making any of these flights I'm apparently checking in for - what if they keep track of these things? You're ruining my INTEGRITY!
ELAINE: You now have enough frequent flyer points to get you first-class to Morocco.
GEORGE: Integrity is overrated. George is goin' to MOROCCO baby!!!
Jerry pinches his nose.
JERRY: Elaine...
ELAINE: I'm going! I'm going!
Elaine leaves.
JERRY: Why do you need your passport anyway?
GEORGE: ID.
JERRY: ID? Who's ID-ing you? The school for the blind?
KRAMER: They can do it with their hands, Jerry.
GEORGE: There's a hip new bar I wanna take my gf to, but they ID everyone and they won't take my driver's licence.
JERRY: What's wrong with your license?
George pulls out his license. Kramer is overly physically shocked.
JERRY: Oh yeah, I remember that hair.
GEORGE: *wistfully* so do I.
KRAMER: It looks like MINE! Is that gonna happen to me?!
Kramer runs out.
At the risk of this becoming a full script (and me not working on the stuff I'm supposed to be working on), here's a rundown of the rest of the plot:
- Jerry discovers his nice coat now smells like smoke thanks to Elaine. George offers to take the coat to the drycleaners.
- Instead, George wears the nice coat to the hip new bar for his date, but when he gets in he is outraged at the overpriced coat check. Instead, he pretends he found the coat and hands it in to lost and found.
- At the end of the date, he goes to the desk to ask if anyone handed in the coat. The person says no. George gets angry - he KNOWS someone handed in the coat, because HE handed it in. They ask why he handed it in and he admits why. "Well, shoulda put it in coat check." they say.
- George sheepishly admits to Jerry that he wore his nice coat to the bar and lost it. "Did you check with lost property?" "That's where I lost it." "What?"
- Meanwhile, Elaine still smells like smoke. Jerry asks why she won't just take her coat to the dry cleaners. "Because I get cold Jerry! What am I supposed to wear while it's at the cleaners?" The expensive coat check and Elaine's problem gives Kramer an idea...
- Kramer opens up a late-night dry cleaners next to the hip new bar. For the same price as coat check, he'll dry clean your coat while you're in the bar, so you have a nice, fresh coat to wear home.
- George is at Jerry's when Jerry gets a call from the coat check person. They found out the coat belongs to him (I'd write more plot about how they found out if I wasn't dreaming when writing it) and tell him he can come and pick it up. Jerry says George has to do it.
- George takes a candy bar from Jerry's counter as he goes to leave. Jerry says he can't do that. George says, "Why would you put them out if you wouldn't want people to take them? Hide them if you want to keep them for yourself."
Kramer immediately enters and goes straight for a couch cushion. He unzips it and takes out a candy bar. Jerry motions with his hand as if to say to George, "I tried."
George says he needs the candy bar as a reward for picking up the coat. "Your reward is NOT losing my coat, George!" George says it's rush hour and he'll be stuck in traffic for ages. He has very little to look forward to in life. "Just let me have this candy bar, Jer!" "Fine!"
Kramer offers to pick up Jerry's coat instead, as he's heading that way anyway to check on his business. "We're on fire Jerry! FIRE!" He heads off.
George relaxes on the couch and unwraps the candy bar.
"Gonna have it anyway, huh?"
"Well now my stomach expects it Jerry!"
Elaine enters as Jerry is telling off George for rewarding himself for not doing anything.
"Oh let him go, Jerry. He has very little to look forward to in life."
"THANK YOU!" says George.
Elaine picks up a candy bar as well.
"I didn't say you could have that," says Jerry.
"Why would you put them out if you don't want people to have them? Hide them if you don't wanna share."
"She GETS IT!" says George.
Jerry rolls his eyes. Elaine shivers.
"Where's your coat?" asks Jerry.
Elaine says she ran into Kramer and he offered to clean it for her.
- Meanwhile, Kramer gets to his dry cleaning business and drops off Elaine's coat. He then goes to the bar next door to pick up Jerry's coat from the manager. But he starts to smell smoke. When he goes back outside, he sees his dry cleaning business is literally on fire.
The coat check person in a crazed state has set fire to the business because Kramer stole too many of their customers. They chase after Kramer with a petrol can. Kramer drops George's driver's license as he runs away (which he has for reasons - come on, I wrote this in my sleep).
- Kramer returns Jerry's coat - "Now it smells even MORE like smoke than BEFORE!"
Kramer tells them what happened and announces he is going on the run until this all blows over. Elaine, upset she now has no coat decides that she needs to work somewhere warmer for a bit.
- The episode ends with George arriving at Morocco airport. He glimpses in the smoking lounge, only to see Elaine doing business around a shisha pipe. She looks up and gives a wave.
Next to the smoking lounge, Kramer is collecting coats and cleaning them as the business folk go in to smoke. He also waves. We see a dishevelled Coat Check person stumble out from another flight. They look at the singed driver's license and then look at George.
"You can shave your head, but you can't run! You're next!" they yell, as they run at George with a cigarette lighter in their hand. Freeze frame. End.
Anyway, pretty chuffed considering that episode all happened in a dream. My conscious writing is even better, so y'know. Hit up my agent or whatever.
Also, re-reading this, there are so many opportunities for call-backs and gags and stuff. Which I'd do. If y'know. Seinfeld was still on air. And I was being paid. For now, this skeleton of a script will have to do xx

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