Someone once said that to have children is to have your heart outside your body.
Now imagine that to stay safe from a violent partner, you have to leave your children behind temporarily with someone else.
That to be effectively safe, you can’t tell them where you are. 1/9
At an educated guess, 10% of abusive rships involve sustained physical brutality.
Maybe 5% of women in refuges are in circs that demand the safety of secrecy.
Imagine the logistics of leaving yr kids behind and not being able to see them. 2/9
For an extended period of time.
Imagine how hard that is, to stay away, to keep yourself safe when everything in you is screaming to go to them.
This is why leaving can be the most dangerous time. 3/9
If you know a/one in this space, and yr a REALLY trusted friend or rellie, buy them several sim cards.
Buy them a secret phone. Have clothes at yr place in their size.
Have a suitcase ready.
Make a plan w/them if they are aware of what they're living in and want to get out. 4/9
Legal name change is useful.
Opening a bank account in that name is useful.
Putting money in that account is imperative.
Bc he will search for her endlessly.
Again, this is not what most DV looks like.
But it's common enough. 5/9
Most of all, do not make friends with him, remain as unknown to him as you can the minute you figure out who he is.
And wait.
Be there.
But wait.
She’ll tell you its time. 6/9
Figure out the logistics first, there are many.
Make sure all the barriers, as many as you can, are removed before you take next steps.
Ring a refuge org outside yr area.
There's lists here 7/9
They will take self referrals but if she doesn't want to make contact, I am happy to refer on.
Make sure you or s/one trusted take her.
Make sure people you know, who he can't trace, are there to act as a support system. She will need it.
Check she has what she needs.
8/9
These are the steps required for a person to leave physical brutal violence.
Never ever wonder to yourself again why she doesn't leave.
AND NEVER ASK HER. 9/9
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The number of times over the years ppl have tried to say to me
But the Dunedin Longitudinal Study said…
No.
The question was
Have you ever hit ur partner?
It came out 50/50 men/women.
No context around severity of hit, the power dynamic in the rship. How many times.
How long the physical violence lasted.
No.
Just
Have you ever hit yr partner.
A lot of our narrative around gendered violence has come from that one question over the years.
And I can tell you categorically that other genders apart from cis men use physical violence.
But not to the degree nor at the same rate.
We estimate that around 95% of physical violence in this country is perpetrated by cis men.
Towards women, Trans men, and non binary ppl, and towards each other.
We also know that 50% of IPV murders are committed by cis white men.
If someone who’s not a cis man gets a job ahead of you, or earns more money than you, or is cleverer than you, or is just getting some attention of some sort…
it might be good for you to just accept that.
I know you feel rejection keenly - from being turned down for a date, to losing a job - and that can be really dangerous to other people when that happens.
Bc you’re not socialised to talk abt ur feelings, you end up, I dunno…
killing people at one extreme, but more often you write shitty things about ppl who aren’t like you, or you become a terf, or a MRA, or you turn your hurt into hate and become a bully. Usually with your words and mind fuckery.
But you let ppl know you’re hurt, and feeling bad…
I've been watching a particular person in the last while.
He has a superhero complex, and I kind of want to explain what that is. Thread.
So when you're doing work - be it voluntary or paid - that has to do with vulnerable people in shit circumstances, there's this human trait which comes out which is really dangerous.
I call it super-heroing.
Basically we all have this need to be seen, and heard, and valued. So far, so human.
But we also need to be needed. This is something I've lost since Ian died, by the way. I don't need anyone to need me anymore, to feel good about myself. I'm done with that shit.
End of year gratitude thread, incoming.
It's very long, and it's impt.
Thank you.
BEAR WITH.
1/17 Today, on eve of the anniversary of my husband's death, and the eve of the start of a new decade, there is much to be grateful for.
After Ian died, Phil stepped in for a month and met the needs of the women of the Aunties whānau.
2/17 She has now stepped up even more, and coordinates the donations, and does the online food shopping for our whanau, as well as other stuff behind the scenes.
1/19 I'm going to have a rant. You can either listen, or you can look away, and if you look away, then we're possibly not the right fit for your kind heart.
This makes me mad.
It makes me seethingly furious. stuff.co.nz…/welfare-system-creating-criminals…
2/19 People in this country cannot afford to eat, and pay bills, and pay their rent. They cannot afford to eat.
This is what it comes down to. And I'm going to use real examples. No names, no pack drills.
3/19 People who are WINZ users are sent to budgeting courses. Do you know what budgeters do? They mostly help people to pay off their debts.