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Laura Lexx - Touring NOW! Profile picture
@lauralexx
Sep 17, 2020 • 4 tweets • 1 min read • Read on X
It’s been 8 weeks and the terrible songs I’m making up about my dog are showing no signs of abating. Send help. This is the day Don Mclean warned about
IT’S MAKI, MAKI
THE WORST DOG IN THE WORLD
SHE EATS THE STINKY FOOD
THEN SHE PLOPS IT IN THE GARDEN AND ITS VERY VERY RUDE
ITS MAKI MAKI
THE WORST DOG IN THE WORLD
- This is sung to a mishmash of every tune you can piece together and in an unpleasant falsetto that makes her cock her head to one side
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More from @lauralexx

Laura Lexx - Touring NOW! Profile picture
Nov 13, 2022
I’m watching The Rock. Never seen it before. There are approximately 14 male leads and they’ve all been told the film is a different genre. It’s delightful
The budget seems to be the GDP of a medium sized country
I *think* what’s happened is three people had scripts and to save time they have put all the plots into this one film
Read 12 tweets
Laura Lexx - Touring NOW! Profile picture
Mar 13, 2022
I stayed at someone’s house last week and they have a cat. And I never knew this but, when you go to sleep… cats just wander about the house catting all night? You can’t “put a cat to bed”?! The cat just… gets the house for a while?! Fucking nuts.
Like, you can’t even give a cat a room?! They scratch the door until they’re allowed to come and have the house again? Cats are WILD
At one point I woke up and the cat was just staring at my sleeping face and when I mentioned it my friend said “yeah, she does that to check if you’re still breathing” but no mention of which way the cat hoped it would go…
Read 5 tweets
Laura Lexx - Touring NOW! Profile picture
Feb 3, 2022
I swear England is infested with villages that only pop into existence at night when you just want the train to go faster

I’ve never seen “Balcombe” in the day time but yet here I am at 11pm sat here waiting for precisely no one to get on or off
Around 10:45pm all across Britain green fields suddenly flash brightly before reappearing as Gurnly on the Fenton or Greater Fitzbrunchunting
All through the dark hours the ghostly village sits. Haunted bunting flapping listlessly in the breeze created by the 80 commuters sat stock still at the creaking station and sighing in unison as their lives slip away
Read 7 tweets
Laura Lexx - Touring NOW! Profile picture
Feb 3, 2022
I have a podcast. Did you know I had a podcast? I feel like I try and promote it a fair bit but then I always seem to get people saying they didn’t know. Did you know?
For the yes people: good, I hope you’ve tried listening.
For the no people: it’s here, enjoy:

podfollow.com/1510301851
Read 6 tweets
Laura Lexx - Touring NOW! Profile picture
Feb 3, 2022
I’m going Brighton —> Leeds and back today. The train is costing about £195. I reckon if I drove it would probably cost less than £70 in fuel. The cost of train travel is such a huge block in the practical ability to be environmentally friendly in this country
That’s a big moan before I even get started on the fact that before the first leg of my journey has even left the station they are warning me of a points failure up ahead. So… will I get to work? Yet another issue for people who CANNOT be late because of the financial penalty
We’re a small country, that has had train infrastructure for centuries, with expensive ticket prices. Why is it so difficult to have it function? Maybe I’m missing something but it doesn’t feel like we have any excuses?
Read 7 tweets
Laura Lexx - Touring NOW! Profile picture
Jul 27, 2021
In the Olympics, before each event I think there should just be a normal person having a go to show you the scale of how phenomenal the Olympians are
Like I’d volunteer to plant face first into a vault to show how a regular body doesn’t whizz over it in 6 twists
I just think then, when the commentators are going “oooh that’s not so good” after something superhuman, we have a little scale
Read 21 tweets

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