I’m watching The Rock. Never seen it before. There are approximately 14 male leads and they’ve all been told the film is a different genre. It’s delightful The budget seems to be the GDP of a medium sized country

I stayed at someone’s house last week and they have a cat. And I never knew this but, when you go to sleep… cats just wander about the house catting all night? You can’t “put a cat to bed”?! The cat just… gets the house for a while?! Fucking nuts. Like, you can’t even give a cat a room?! They scratch the door until they’re allowed to come and have the house again? Cats are WILD

I swear England is infested with villages that only pop into existence at night when you just want the train to go faster

I’ve never seen “Balcombe” in the day time but yet here I am at 11pm sat here waiting for precisely no one to get on or off Around 10:45pm all across Britain green fields suddenly flash brightly before reappearing as Gurnly on the Fenton or Greater Fitzbrunchunting

I have a podcast. Did you know I had a podcast? I feel like I try and promote it a fair bit but then I always seem to get people saying they didn’t know. Did you know? For the yes people: good, I hope you’ve tried listening.

I’m going Brighton —> Leeds and back today. The train is costing about £195. I reckon if I drove it would probably cost less than £70 in fuel. The cost of train travel is such a huge block in the practical ability to be environmentally friendly in this country That’s a big moan before I even get started on the fact that before the first leg of my journey has even left the station they are warning me of a points failure up ahead. So… will I get to work? Yet another issue for people who CANNOT be late because of the financial penalty

In the Olympics, before each event I think there should just be a normal person having a go to show you the scale of how phenomenal the Olympians are Like I’d volunteer to plant face first into a vault to show how a regular body doesn’t whizz over it in 6 twists

*pssst* Klopp mate, the best way to deal with this would be to burst out of Anfield topless on a white stallion and declare Liverpool a republic (Brighton will follow) Klopp: the leader the country has been waiting for, but what of his surly underling Mourinho? First to rebel against the evil dictatorship looming over football but never loved enough to be King

Ffs. I have a job tomorrow writing on a topical show. A dream job. I can’t believe it’s happening this week so I have to attempt to understand why people who love football are sad about there being more football Husband: The super league is bad for football because the cool thing about football is all levels play each other.

Me: so just don’t watch this weird closed in league? Carry on watching the old league?

I’m quite drunk. I’m overall very sad at the moment. I’m stuck in a crevice of loathing lockdown entirely whilst also screaming for a stricter one because if we could only do it properly short and sharp we could end it all and go back to normal. I feel really stuck between the voices I hear: yeah, I want common sense and I want to go back to normal. But, if common sense is:
a) just kill everyone below average strength
b) lock us all down hard and short

Then I choos (b)

It’s a fascinating psychological insight that some people can:
- see actual people doing an actual thing
BUT
- be more afraid of people who are not actually doing it, but who they fear could hypothetically do it Fearing a concept of a person more than the actions of another person

That’s a phobia isn’t it?

If there's a second lockdown, I would like to be the first to start all the jokes from last time again...
- Can I still get Covid-19 if I didn't see the first 18?
- January has 31 days, February has 28, March has 3924
- Cor bloody Joe Wicks
- mmmmmm banana bread/yuck banana bread ermigerd imagine if GBBO has a banana bread technical? THE SCENES! An entire nation screaming about recipes from their crumb covered sofas

If cowardly is not wanting uninvited interactions with dull pedants who insert themselves insultingly into light conversations in order to wank all over the perceived moral high ground THEN PAINT MY BELLY YELLOW AND POUR ME INTO A FRAIDY CAT COSTUME

https://twitter.com/John_Brissono/status/1306924538794577920

“You don’t want to talk to me so therefore you must be afraid of my truth. I am powerful.” He said, in his most powerful keyboard baritone.

She looked at the words, lying bare across the screen and hesitated. Perhaps he was right?

But he wasn’t so she got on with her day

The sort of people that complain at TV comedy would have their brains fall out of their arseholes if they ever walked into a live comedy club and saw what was said there "Free speech is dead!" say people who only watch people talk through several filters of production and broadcast.

"Free speech is dead!" say people complaining about people speaking freely in disagreement with themselves

It’s been 8 weeks and the terrible songs I’m making up about my dog are showing no signs of abating. Send help. This is the day Don Mclean warned about IT’S MAKI, MAKI
THE WORST DOG IN THE WORLD
SHE EATS THE STINKY FOOD
THEN SHE PLOPS IT IN THE GARDEN AND ITS VERY VERY RUDE
ITS MAKI MAKI
THE WORST DOG IN THE WORLD

Buffy The Vampire Slayer: we’re 2 series in and I still hate Xander. I’m trying not to be too “leftie snowflake killjoy” but his character is super unpleasant to watch? Sort of possessive, controlling, jealous and insecure? I hope he grows up well Hes basically A less sassy Gunnar from Nashville if you like me enjoy seriously trashy box sets

3 years ago this month I thought there was no way I could ever live normally again because my anxiety had shut me off from taking pleasure in anything . I thought the kindest thing I could do for my loved ones was die and stop ruining their lives. I was really wrong I’m still here 3 years later and so grateful that I was persuaded by external voices to try EVERYTHING on offer instead of saying goodbye. A combination of therapy, medication and accepting sometimes being sad and angry mean I’m the happiest I’ve ever been

I want to join in this joke about all the people who have blocked us but I think I’m just too bland to have been blocked. I’m going to start getting uppity Listen up people: I hate how zebra crossings have different rules in different countries and if you can’t handle my opinion then just block me ok

I bloody love my friends. I had to cancel seeing them on Thursday because I was having a bad, bad day with depression. Then I see them today and I’m lively, happy and laughing and they don’t ask for any explanation. It’s just a given that I am up and down. That’s priceless I think sometimes mental health is so hard to understand and live with because it isn’t like physical injuries where you recover slowly and people get the process of coming back: it’s just some days 0 some days 10

I’m watching Buffy from the beginning and in series 1 she goes to The Bronze, which I think is a nightclub? And she orders a croissant?! What the hell kind of night club is this and why weren’t croissants available when I clubbed? I’d still club for croissant 2nd question: Why does Angel have blinds in his flat if sunlight burns him? Just brick them up. It’s like me having a carbon monoxide tap

It's 1st September tomorrow and my body clock is craving a new pencil case Might also need to choose a new lunchbox with a good picture on the front so that when we put them in front of us and "watch TV" at lunchtime I've got a good programme

It’s amazing how over the age of 25 you can express absolutely any symptom of any kind and some bint your mum’s age will go “ooh you’re not pregnant are you?” “My right big toe is itching.”

“Our Caroline had that when she was pregnant with Michael.”

🤨