I want to put some positive into the universe, so here goes:

1. He will lose on election night. It'll be a called election. No doomsday scenarios

2. The Dems take the Senate. Graham and Collins go down to defeat. McConnell survives to see himself become irrelevant

3. Trump complains a couple of days ON TWITTER [tons of all-caps tweets], but then basically gets bored and pisses off to wherever, leaving Pence to deal with the transition

4. He spends the rest of his miserable shit life screaming about how he got screwed at the polls

5. Lots of dumb books get published. No one will give a good goddamn

6. Six seconds after the inauguration [Trump will not attend], Melania files divorce papers

7. Trump dies on a toilet in some godforsaken small town in Russia. The only mourners are paid mourners

8. In twenty years or so, Bill Barr's corpse is discovered in a rural culvert with a family of possums living inside his skull

9. Whoever buries Jared entombs him in an iron coffin wrapped in chains like a fucking Victorian serial killer. He still gets out

10. Stephen Miller becomes the first scientifically verified case of spontaneous combustion. The only thing that remains of him is that spray-on hair bullshit he tried to pull off

11. Newt Gingrich marries Ivanka. He divorces her seconds before she dies in a zeppelin crash

12. Don Jr. gets stomped to death by relatives of the elephants he's killed. The elephants receive the key to the city wherever this takes place

13. Eric's teeth finally win the battle against his face. He's buried in a sewer

14. Human Toothpaste Tube Mike Pence returns to a normal, folksy life. Mother shoots him in the head with a crossbow and sinks his corpse in a shit lagoon. Literally no one notices

15. Kellyanne haunts an old house in Maine somewhere, always in the corner of your vision

16. Mortuary students embalm Seb Gorka for practice. He is not dead. Nothing about his life changes as a result

17. In an instance of hilarious irony, Chad Wolf is devoured by actual wolves. They shit his remains into an active volcano

18. Peter Navarro is revealed to be Head Vampire. Barnard Hughes skewers him with a forklift

19. Rudy Giuliani's liver files for emancipation. The judge so rules. Rudy dies on the spot. Simon & Schuster pays 3 million for the liver's tell-all. It never earns out

20. Mark Meadows moves his giggly, dimwitted shtick to Bransford. Yakov Smirnoff knifes him a bar fight

21. Herman Cain continues tweeting long after the heat death of the universe

22. Tiffany still doesn't know what the fuck or why

That's all I got

• • •

Missing some Tweet in this thread? You can try to force a refresh

Keep Current with Jason

Jason Profile picture

Stay in touch and get notified when new unrolls are available from this author!

Read all threads

This Thread may be Removed Anytime!


Twitter may remove this content at anytime! Save it as PDF for later use!

Try unrolling a thread yourself!

how to unroll video
  1. Follow @ThreadReaderApp to mention us!

  2. From a Twitter thread mention us with a keyword "unroll"
@threadreaderapp unroll

Practice here first or read more on our help page!

More from @longwall26

16 Jan
Seriously, get fucked, you fucking shits. This is the piss bucket you get when you murder labor unions
What you make is none of my goddamn business. I hope it’s lots. Hand over fist. I hope you have A+ benefits. I cannot imagine for a single instant HOPING YOU MADE LESS OR OPINING ABOUT WHY YOU DON’T DESERVE A LIVING WAGE MY GOD
Read 5 tweets
14 Jan
Depression Lasagna: Activated ImageImageImage
Those asking: Slow-roasted zucchini, onion, red pepper, and mushrooms. 350 oven about an hour or maybe a bit more. Whole plum tomatoes removed from their can (and juice), mashed, and cooked with olive oil, a bit more onion, garlic, and oregano
I had a couple of tofurky Italian sausages left over from something, so I tossed those into the sauce. Cook to reduce. Then combine everything with low fat ricotta, shredded mozz, and shaved parm. Done
Read 5 tweets
14 Jan
I'd love to see a congressional twitter bio like "I represent Arizona's 3rd District, and I fucking hate it. These people are garbage, and their suffering brings me great pleasure"
I *might* not be cut out for public service, you guys
"Proudly serving North Dakota's sole congressional district. LOL right? Can you even imagine taking pride in that? Jesus. Fuck this state and fuck my constituents. Goddamn fucking toilet people"
Read 5 tweets
22 Oct 20
Here’s Donald Trump posing with folders he pretended outlined his plan to hand his business interests over to his sons Image
Here’s Donald Trump waving around a fake “Secret Deal with Mexico” Image
Here’s Donald Trump pretending to have printed out “federal regulations” for an eye opening comparison Image
Read 6 tweets
29 Jul 20
Our clever scheme to be ruled by a rabid minoritarian faction that gets its marching orders from a handful of deranged rightwing media personalities has--against all odds--somehow gone wrong
Honestly, I'm as surprised as anybody
If a global superpower of 330 million citizens can't be governed rationally by "Shit Sean Hannity Says" and "Laura Ingraham Did Another Nazism" then what hope is there for anything?
Read 6 tweets
29 May 20
I think I understand why--we have an innate need to believe in at least some kind of order and purpose--but an alarming number of people still talk about Trump as some kind of master strategist, constantly distracting, diverting, dropping smoke bombs 1/
He's not. Trump is not capable of that kind of thinking. He does not connect moments to other moments the way you and I do. He does not draw a simple line between action and consequence. There is no purpose there, at least how we think of purpose 2/
What is there is infinitely more terrifying. Feral need and anger driven by a self-loathing that must make every moment of his existence wretched beyond imagining. He hates us and the rest of the world, but no one hates Donald Trump more than Donald Trump hates Donald Trump 3/
Read 9 tweets

Did Thread Reader help you today?

Support us! We are indie developers!

This site is made by just two indie developers on a laptop doing marketing, support and development! Read more about the story.

Become a Premium Member ($3/month or $30/year) and get exclusive features!

Become Premium

Too expensive? Make a small donation by buying us coffee ($5) or help with server cost ($10)

Donate via Paypal Become our Patreon

Thank you for your support!

Follow Us on Twitter!