I want to put some positive into the universe, so here goes:

1. He will lose on election night. It'll be a called election. No doomsday scenarios

2. The Dems take the Senate. Graham and Collins go down to defeat. McConnell survives to see himself become irrelevant

1/
3. Trump complains a couple of days ON TWITTER [tons of all-caps tweets], but then basically gets bored and pisses off to wherever, leaving Pence to deal with the transition

4. He spends the rest of his miserable shit life screaming about how he got screwed at the polls

2/
5. Lots of dumb books get published. No one will give a good goddamn

6. Six seconds after the inauguration [Trump will not attend], Melania files divorce papers

7. Trump dies on a toilet in some godforsaken small town in Russia. The only mourners are paid mourners

3/
8. In twenty years or so, Bill Barr's corpse is discovered in a rural culvert with a family of possums living inside his skull

9. Whoever buries Jared entombs him in an iron coffin wrapped in chains like a fucking Victorian serial killer. He still gets out

4/
10. Stephen Miller becomes the first scientifically verified case of spontaneous combustion. The only thing that remains of him is that spray-on hair bullshit he tried to pull off

11. Newt Gingrich marries Ivanka. He divorces her seconds before she dies in a zeppelin crash

5/
12. Don Jr. gets stomped to death by relatives of the elephants he's killed. The elephants receive the key to the city wherever this takes place

13. Eric's teeth finally win the battle against his face. He's buried in a sewer

6/
14. Human Toothpaste Tube Mike Pence returns to a normal, folksy life. Mother shoots him in the head with a crossbow and sinks his corpse in a shit lagoon. Literally no one notices

15. Kellyanne haunts an old house in Maine somewhere, always in the corner of your vision

7/
16. Mortuary students embalm Seb Gorka for practice. He is not dead. Nothing about his life changes as a result

17. In an instance of hilarious irony, Chad Wolf is devoured by actual wolves. They shit his remains into an active volcano

8/
18. Peter Navarro is revealed to be Head Vampire. Barnard Hughes skewers him with a forklift

19. Rudy Giuliani's liver files for emancipation. The judge so rules. Rudy dies on the spot. Simon & Schuster pays 3 million for the liver's tell-all. It never earns out

9/
20. Mark Meadows moves his giggly, dimwitted shtick to Bransford. Yakov Smirnoff knifes him a bar fight

21. Herman Cain continues tweeting long after the heat death of the universe

22. Tiffany still doesn't know what the fuck or why

That's all I got

• • •

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