Best self care I ever found was booking into CBT and learning the skill of self-compassion. That cost me money, but you can find many of the same exercises that transformed my thinking in Google for free, no therapist required. My inner bootcamp bully has never been quieter.
I use the word "skill" deliberately. We're programmed to believe we're not enough, and not doing enough to compensate for that. It takes support and effort to reprogram yourself.
But it can be done, even from a place where you truly believe you deserve no compassion at all.
I think some of you noticed that thinking when I was with AniFem. One even emailed me specifically to say I was being unhealthily hard on myself. I was touched, but insisted I was just holding myself accountable to objectively reasonable standards I consistently failed to meet!🤦🏽♀️
I can't remember who emailed me, only that they sent a follow-up shortly after saying "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have emailed, it's none of my business." I don't remember if I replied, but I was never upset, only moved (and deluded! 😂). It still means a lot to me that they cared.
(If you're that person and somehow reading this, DM me! I hope I emailed back at the time, but either way I'd still like to thank you now.)
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The harassment towards @CDCubed went so far I heard about it on my personal Twitter @AmeliaCook - which I nabbed in 2010 and deliberately didn't attach to my anime work because I knew I might have to burn that account.
That inherent toxicity is why I don't spend much time here.
I'll still use this account for anime fandom! No better audience for my thoughts on the SK8 boyfriends (love them!!) or Re:ZERO theorising than right here ❤
But I've watched a ton of anime recently and thinking about tweeting about it stresses me out. So it may not be often.
Feel free to follow me @AmeliaCook for stuff that isn't anime! I'm trying to get used to talking more about whatever I'm interested in whether other people care or not. Lately that's been VR, interior design, economics, semi-hydroponic plant care, mechanical keyboards, and more.
One of the most frustrating things about #ADHD is that "treatment" = a unique mix of drugs/therapy/organisation systems/self-regulation tactics.
So "getting treatment" is a process: 1. identify problem 2. throw everything at it 3. see what sticks 4. spot gaps 5. repeat
🧵⬇️
And you need to repeat that process WITHIN each sub-category of potential solutions for the problem you've identified.
("Problem you've identified" is a calm euphemism for "trait that most recently caused you to crash and burn and feel hopeless about your future" by the way)
⬇️
When something doesn't work, you wonder if it's due to ADHD you can't control or self-sabotage you can. So you try it longer, just in case.
When you finally give up, you feel silly for ever thinking it stood a chance. (And still wonder if it was actually your fault.)
Spent the weekend finally watching the Daniel Craig Bonds. Got as far as Skyfall, and I desperately want to read a review that discusses what I'm thinking about but I can't find one.
So I'll share and maybe one of you can point such a review out to me.
SKYFALL SPOILERS BELOW
SKYFALL SPOILERS:
Pro-establishment themes + tired old tropes (a molesty queer/queer-coded villain, great!) was already making me uncomfortable.
Then replacing Judi Dench with Ralph Fiennes as M brought that "the old ways are best" message far, far too close to home.
SKYFALL SPOILERS:
I started Skyfall enthusing about how refreshing it was to see an unsympathetic woman as M, how her scenes would be stale as a man. Joke's on me, I guess.
So now there's not a single non-sexual female character around 007. And M's replacement is RALPH FIENNES.
Identity policing of mixed race people always gives me complicated feelings as someone who is mixed race but totally divorced from half their ethnic heritage (thanks colonialism!)
But the biggest feeling is envy. I wish I'd grown up with both cultures, not just the colonisers'.
I have one (1) Desi friend who grew up in the US and spent every summer in Delhi. She's an incredible writer, so her posts about India and its culture were an envy-inducing tonic for my internalised racism.
Me? I wore a lehenga for the first time this year and felt like a fraud.
For those of you new here, I'm now (in my late 30s) trying to build that connection myself, having no exposure or easy access to the culture except that which I seek out.
But I don't think I'll ever feel comfortable calling myself Indian. I've missed too much.
Spending an unreasonable amount of time this week analysing what exactly makes the Boys Over Flowers love triangle work better in some versions than others, thank you for reserving tickets to my TED talk
Still enjoying the Boys Over Flowers K-drama. Now I want to see a pan-Asian adaptation with Lee Min-ho opposite Inoue Mao.
I'll add to that dream cast list as I watch more adaptations. I actually wrote my undergrad dissertation on a J-drama, it's fun to see other East Asian TV!
Am I watching a Meteor Garden as soon as I finish the K-drama? Yes, yes I am.
Am I already rereading the manga after only finishing it last week? Also yes.
Am I turning off the K-drama at night only to turn on the J-drama to listen to as I fall asleep? That's a yes too.
This K-drama adaptation of Boys Over Flowers so far nails Domyoji.
MatsuJun played Domyoji more as a spoilt brat, hard to take seriously as a threat. Korean Domyoji is an entitled, privileged young man with power and influence. This is good, Domyoji's supposed to be dangerous!
All these adaptations fail at Tsukushi physically, since they have no interest in allowing women to look truly plain on their screens.
But Korean Tsukushi hams it up enough that you could question why Domyoji would be attracted to her. That's probably as much as we can hope for!
I think this adaptation is also doing a better job so far of inspiring awe on how the other half live. I always thought the portrayal of wealth was a bit cartoony in every Japanese version, but the Korean one feels more like glimpsing a fraction of society that actually exists.