watching ER season 10 (2004) and this is a patient with HIV in one of the episodes. idk if he's written as gay, but it suddenly hit me that *every single gay character* on this show or any other that i've seen looks exactly the same and they never look like this. Image
i haven't watched any TV after 2004 and i barely watched any before that but there were plenty of gay bit parts on 90s and 2000s TV and, even though this show treated gay characters well, i realized they still stereotype them - as strong, attractive, jock types
black, white, hispanic - they're all Traditionally Attractive, and none of them look like me or anyone i'm attracted to or identify with. anyone else on this show is allowed to be fat, scarred, uninteresting, but every gay character has to look like a twink
you know that notion that people have about kids being "confused about their sexuality"? that was me growing up, and yeah, i later found out that i was wrong, that i *was* interested in women - men too, but the point stands, I was Confused about my Sexuality at 15
but it was squarely because every single person in pop culture who I was told I was supposed to look like or be attracted to, I wasn't. everyone on TV was fucking ugly to me, to be perfectly frank. women, men, everyone.
i grew up and found out that i never had a problem with being attracted to women - just not *those* women, not the women who look like Hollywood wants them to look. And when I "realized I was gay," I started looking for gay culture - and I wrinkled my nose at that imagery too
I found out that I'm into dumpy nerds, like me, okay? regardless of gender, that's my thing, and it always was, and I got "confused" because I was told that if I wasn't attracted to jennifer aniston than I was obviously attracted to brad pitt, and i wouldn't fuck either for money
i didn't know what to think! i didn't know what to do! i started looking for wild fetish shit in my mid teens because I thought that's what I wanted - all I really wanted was to see someone I was actually attracted to, but in 2005 you couldn't find that online
now I can go to xtube, see people who look like me, like the people I fuck, the people I actually feel some physical appeal from. couldn't do that in 2005, everything was just made-up, perfectly fit people who don't look like anyone i have ever personally met in my life
when i came across furry it was great! these were shapes i could be attracted to! sure, some looked just like the people on TV, but there were *options* finally! there were multiple opinions on what "hot" was! yeah, they were fake, but what was my alternative?
i don't want to get too deep into the details but trust me, in my late teens and twenties, when i started becoming Sexually Active, i didn't know what the fuck i wanted and I did a lot of shit I regret and don't even *understand* - and it was entirely because i *was* confused
I felt completely disconnected from society in this regard. i had a raging sexuality and absolutely no idea how to find an outlet for it because I had been told egregious lies about how it worked that didn't sync up with what it was actually doing.
It didn't help that all porn - *all* porn - *all porn* - absolutely *all porn in existence* at that time, and most of it now - fully failed to connect with my sexuality and personality.
Of course there's more to sexuality than simple physical attraction but - i mean, you know how relevant that is to the average horny teen. Any in depth connection to the emotional component usually comes long after thorough exploration of the physical.
And so, in short, I did a lot of fucking in the late 2000s that i regretted and got nothing out of because I was trying very very hard to sell myself on an idea that i was something wild and outrageous because the vanilla options I had been offered were so unappealing.
i found out later: there's 'vanilla' that i like! there's people who I'm very attracted to, without the context of weird sex or wild experiences. just... basic-ass "i'd like to fuck" slash "you look nice to touch and be close to", they're just not the vanilla i was shown
to be more frank, I feel that modern online queer theory pushes too hard in the other direction - that you're actually attracted to Everyone unless you're playing society's game. hm. no,
because, if that were the case, then i would now have to accept that i'm also into brad pitt. and i'm not, and it's not because he's not attractive, but because he isn't attractive *to me.*
who knows why i'm like this, but i have a fairly narrow band of people i'm attracted to just like your average fuckoff whitebread american dude who will only fuck women who blow away in a stiff wind. it's just that i'm not into *that* specific band of body types.
i'm into some bigger body types now, but not all of them, and i'm into some skinny guys but not all of them, and i like people with guts sometimes but not always. it's complicated and it doesn't follow any rules and the only thing that matters is that it is what it is
the entire thing that fucked me up was just being told that there was some logic, some sense to it, and there isn't, i'm just into some people and not others. they do tend to feel like people I can relate to more than the people on TV, though.

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More from @gravislizard

25 Nov 20
here's an opinion i've had about retrocomputing / nerd culture for a long long time
the overwhelming majority of "cool" computers that everyone "wishes they had" were created to perform dreadfully boring tasks, by people who wished they were anywhere else, in the service of people who did a ton of coke and left our economy a smoking husk that can't support life
you do not want a cray-1. all they are is calc.exe but very fast and you can't even touch the buttons, you have to write a program that touches them. the purpose of a 'supercomputer' is to sit humming for 24 days and then produce a single integer, or 25 million integers
Read 23 tweets
24 Nov 20
unboxing a protogen. lifting them out of the styrofoam blocks. peeling the plastic film off their faceplate
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Read 4 tweets
20 Oct 20
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Read 21 tweets
18 Oct 20
i'm watching the first episode of house m.d. out of curiosity but almost the entire episode is in monochrome other than flesh tones and i swear to god the house m.d. i watched on hulu in 2007 didn't look like this. i love the revisionist history of rereleases
this is absolutely not how it looked when i watched it 15 years ago. what the fuck is this war crime color grading it looks like i died in a 1950s hospital and my ghost still haunts that place @Emoji_Nakamoto ImageImageImageImage
the last movies i watched were 300 and sin city and they had more life and saturation in them than this. this is *not* what i watched in 2008.
Read 18 tweets
27 Sep 20
occasionally i try to play a diablolike - i apparently bought grim dawn ages ago? i have no memory of this. but like. do you like this game? i have a question: when you look at this, do you... see something? not just a blur?
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26 Sep 20
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