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Dreamweasel Profile picture
@Dreamweasel
Sep 29, 2020 • 5 tweets • 1 min read • Read on X
It sounds crazy, but it just might work
If you’re one of those Forgotten Americans who is sick & tired of hearing that Donald Trump is a ginormous asshole, which option is likelier to result in your hearing LESS about this particular issue over the next four years?

(a) Re-electing Trump
(b) Electing someone different
Despite the extraordinary amount of time I have spent calling Donald Trump a ginormous asshole, I TOO am sick of hearing about how Donald Trump is a ginormous asshole! I would love to go 24 hours without considering that such a ginormous asshole is in charge of the United States.
Has the time finally come when progressive-minded cosmopolitan Americans like ourselves can finally find common ground with our salt-of-the-Earth brothers & sisters in the heartland and agree that we are all sick and tired of hearing that Donald Trump Is a Ginormous Asshole?
The path forward could not be clearer: Image

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More from @Dreamweasel

Dreamweasel Profile picture
Mar 17
TEN POSSIBLE REASONS CHUCK SCHUMER HAD TO POSTPONE HIS BOOK TOUR

10. Security unable to handle enormous crowds of enthusiastic well-wishers

9. Too many venues unable to correctly spell “Capitulator-in-Chief”
8. Schumer physically exhausted after spending all week flagrantly ignoring the wishes of his constituents

7. No way for FBI to know which party is responsible in the event of a bomb threat
6. Needed to spend time thinking up new ways he could prevent the Trump Administration from carrying out their destructive and wildly unpopular plans before ultimately deciding not to bother with any of them
Read 6 tweets
Dreamweasel Profile picture
Mar 3
TEN THINGS TO WATCH FOR DURING TRUMP’S STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS

10. You like gloating? Get ready for lots of that shit

9. As a response to the bird flu-related lockdowns, Trump will demand that farmers unmask their chickens and send them back to school
8. Every sitting member of Congress will deliver an oral presentation explaining to Chairman Musk what they accomplished last week and how they made the U.S. government more profitable
7. A sincere blessing for the world’s Catholics on the eve of Ash Wednesday which begins the annual observation of Lent

6. A somber “IN MEMORIAM” reel for all of the government agencies that have been permanently destroyed in the last six weeks
Read 7 tweets
Dreamweasel Profile picture
Jan 27
DEMOCRATS: Don’t touch the hot stove

VOTERS: (touch hot stove) AAAAAH!

DEMOCRATS: WE TOLD YOU NOT TO DO THAT

VOTERS: You’ll never get anywhere if you insist on blaming the voters
👨🏻: I’m tired of those sanctimonious Democrats suggesting I’m stupid for wanting to touch the hot stove

👱🏻‍♀️: I’ve heard enough about “Hot Stove Bad”; where are the Democrats making the case for the benefits of NOT touching the hot stove?
👨🏻‍🦳: I can’t be bothered to learn every little thing about the hot stove, so it’s up to the Democrats to actively persuade me why they have my best interests at heart without talking down to me

👩🏽‍🦱: If the Democrats cannot do this, then they are clearly the ones at fault
Read 8 tweets
Dreamweasel Profile picture
Jan 20
TEN POSSIBLE EXPLANATIONS FOR ELON MUSK’S SALUTE AT THE TRUMP INAUGURATION

10. Was awkwardly trying to high-five Donald Trump from several hundred feet away

9. It was a signal to America’s farmers that they officially had the go-ahead to collectively lower the price of eggs
8. Had just swatted a fly that landed on his chest and was trying to aggressively flick it away from his palm

7. Who among us doesn’t fire off a couple of spontaneous “Sieg Heils” when we’re giddy with excitement
6. Was demonstrating his total commitment to Freedom of Speech by emulating the most hated members of American society: the goose-stepping white nationalists
Read 6 tweets
Dreamweasel Profile picture
Jan 17
TEN THINGS DONALD TRUMP MIGHT SAY DURING HIS SECOND INAUGURATION ADDRESS

10. He’ll wish a happy birthday to Dr. Martin Luther King, the tireless activist for racial justice who is remembered fondly by all now that he is dead
9. Will express disappointment that Michelle Obama could not be there, as the steam coming out of her ears would provide the rest of the crowd with some badly-needed warmth
8. A special shout-out to the volunteers who helped ensure the ballots were counted fairly and to Elon Musk for working his magic with the tallying software
Read 9 tweets
Dreamweasel Profile picture
Jan 10
TEN TANGIBLE CONSEQUENCES OF A PRESIDENT BEING LEGALLY DECLARED A “CONVICTED FELON”

10. Endless opportunities for trolling Republicans currently under the blissful delusion that their President won the electoral vote, the popular vote, and won’t have to spend a day in prison
9. Increasingly tedious reminders from CNN commentators as Trump gathers both houses of Congress for his State of the Union addresses

8. Lively online debates with single-follower MAGA accounts as to whether Convictions In Name Only really count as felony convictions
7. The narrative that the GOP is the “Party of Law and Order” will be grimly undercut in a way that none of their voters will ever notice or acknowledge

6. Constitution remains unclear as to whether a convicted felon is legally allowed to pardon Thanksgiving turkeys
Read 7 tweets

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