Thread by @JoLuehmann

I see a lot of parenting advice inside of Christian circles that is “biblical” parenting. And because ppl are indoctrinated to believe biblical=good, abuse is excused under the umbrella of biblical.

Here are a few examples of biblical parenting that are really just abuse:
(1)

Fear is desirable - teaching that God demands “his children” (all of us) to fear him, is translated as Children should be afraid of their parents. It is not normal to be afraid of your parents, people who are afraid of their parents are being abused.
(2)

Punishment, including physical violence, is framed as love - “spare the rod, spoil the child” is not only not in the Bible, it’s also not true. You can’t spoil children, only traumatize them. Correction, boundaries, and accountability are not the same as punishment.
(3)

Discipline is compliance - If the goal is well-behaved children, not well-developed children, then discipline is behavior modification. The goal of parenting is equipping children w/appropriate tools for them to be healthy adults. Behavior modification doesn’t accomplish that
(4)

Obedience is demanded - Even though the word obedience is not really in the Bible, obedience is equated with godliness inside toxic Christianity. Obedience is blind, the goal is to develop critical thinkers not obedient people.
(5)

Guilt and shame are used to manufacture repentance - Making children regret things they’ve done by using guilt and shame is emotional abuse and has nothing to do with repentance.
(6)

Children are taught they are sinners - Convincing children their identity is that of a sinner and they are inherently bad is not only cruel, it’s also unhelpful. Impulse control and naïveté are what’s behind children’s behavior, not sin!
(7)

Hell is used to instill fear - Not only is hell not in the Bible, it is truly horrific to tell kids them and others will end up there unless they believe what you believe. This will set them up to have really bad relationships with themselves and others.
(8)

Children are blamed for Jesus’ death - Telling a child their sin killed Jesus is not only really bad theology, it also leads to deep feelings of shame, guilt and tremendous anxiety.
(9)

Emotions are taught as untrustworthy - This leads to disembodiment and a lot of confusion. Emotions inform us of what’s happening within and learning to feel them, observe them and respond appropriately is imperative.
(10)

Childishness is unacceptable - Childishness is appropriate for children. Childishness is innocence, it’s not wrong or inappropriate. What’s inappropriate and also deeply harmful is asking children to behave like adults.
(11)

If we aim toward biblical parenting, we may miss that the objective of parenting is to support and equip kids so they can become healthy, well-developed, fully functional, whole adults that have appropriate tools to move through this world. Healthy parenting is a far superior aim