Goveller’s Travels
Tuesday 13th October
After the great spring plague, the Brobdingnag government wasted the summer mixing messages, missing chances and misdirecting public funds, to the extent that in the autumn, ‘Falspaff’ Boris Johnson, was compelled to reinter his kingdom,
Tuesday 13th October
After the great spring plague, the Brobdingnag government wasted the summer mixing messages, missing chances and misdirecting public funds, to the extent that in the autumn, ‘Falspaff’ Boris Johnson, was compelled to reinter his kingdom,
albeit only in areas he had no supporters. Having become accustomed to every episode upon which I cast my eyes in this giant realm being a shitshow of proportionable magnitude, I was not surprised when he announced an arbitrary system known as tier-gaslighting. Yet I was greatly
distracted by the queen’s dwarf Rishi Sunak; who being of the lowest stature that was ever in that country (for I verily think he was not full thirty feet high), became so insolent at seeing a leadership rival so much beneath him, that he seldom failed of a smart word or two
upon my littleness, would affect to swagger as he passed by me, and often wedge me into a marrow bone above my waist where I made a very ridiculous figure; One day this malicious little cub was so nettled with something I had said about his Richmond constituency escaping
lockdown restrictions despite it having three times as many cases as Burnley, that he took me up and dropped me into a large bowl of Rees-Mogg’s Angel Delight and then ran away to pleasure the wildlife criminals on his constituency’s grouse estates. Queen Patel was in such
a fright at this, that she wanted presence of mind, like when she got caught having secret meetings in Israel, and if I had not been a proficient swimmer it might have gone very hard with me; but my nurse Therese Coffey after taking a break from firing a
water cannon full of Dettol at poor people, rescued me, and the dwarf loan arranger was soundly whipt and forced to drink the Angel Delight mixed with Dettol. I was frequently rallied by the queen and others upon account of my fearfulness; and Oliver Dowden enquired of me,
whether the people of my country gladly accepted such cowards as myself as leaders? To his delight, I explained I had at one time been a ballerina, but owing to a pronounced case of spinelessness had been scouted and retrained in cyber,
specialising in Excel spreadsheets and soul-crushing self-interest, from where I made the simple move, to Conservative government minister.
With many thanks to @MrJunkerBarlow for locating this vintage poster!
With many thanks to @MrJunkerBarlow for locating this vintage poster!
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