I'll livetweet today's Apple event in this thread for old time's sake, and if you enjoy it, please take a minute to give some scratch to the Great Slate! These rural Democrats didn't take away your headphone jack—they want more headphone jacks for all. secure.actblue.com/donate/great_s…
Apple event starts with a musical montage of the giant donut no one can work in 
Weird Billy Mays energy as Tim Cook introduces what I think is Apple's take on an always-on surveillance device from the home.
Something something S5 chip, but I can't get past the "Scientology lecture in an IKEA" aesthetic of this Apple event. I love this with all my soul
This Apple set is "mid-century modem." And the scenarios for interacting with Siri are so real! "Your first event today is 11 AM gallery visit"
New Siri features will made the agonizing effort of integrating the mutually antagonistic Apple devices in your car, home, desktop and pocket with your voice. No more laborious typing! Now you can simply beg them to please work
Apple's vision of modern living is not only making me a hardline Marxist, but it suggests they need a few more employees who live in a situation where letting anyone talk over all devices via intercom is not desirable
New iPhone will give you covid
The new iPhone will have 25% more G than any previous Apple device
Verizon CEO (who sounds exactly like Nick Rivera on the Simpsons) appears in a fulminating, sulfurous cloud
Cook actually bragged that the iPhone would use the rickety new 5G network instead of connecting to much faster public WiFi hotspots
New 5G Verizon iPhone is whisper quiet!
Can't overstress the incredible fiveness of G at this iPhone rollout. theonion.com/fuck-everythin…
Marketing exec gushes about a revolutionary new design as an iPhone 5SE with more camera warts slides into frame
"First we made our phones too big and uncomfortably round on the edges. Now they are smaller and have straight sharp edges again, until next year we round them and make them bigger again"
New iPhone has NANOCRYSTALS and twice the pixels than the last phone that was supposed to have more pixels than the human eye could resolve
Apple's anechoic chamber lets you scream about the absence of a headphone jack in this device that totally has room for it without anyone hearing you
Lots of talk about the fancy new chip in the phone. A14 enables every experience you have on iPhone, except being able to see on a map if the Hong Kong police is tear gassing your neighbors or making arbitrary arrests
You can play games on this phone
The phone has a camera! It seems to make everything look like real estate listing photos
Do you miss MagSafe on your laptop? Well fuck you, here it is on your phone! And they use a custom nanocrystalline shield to capture magnetic flux! Apple must have hired a ton of L'Oreal scientists this year because everything now has nanocrystals
Apple pledges to be entirely carbon neutral by 2030. Kiss your coal-fired iPod goodbye.
They have also made a slightly smaller version of the new phone without sacrificing any G or nanocrystals
You can buy these phones, featuring nanocrystals, magnets, hyaluronic acid, and micellar water for less than the price of a monitor stand!
Incredible new iPhone Pro stands seven feet tall!
New "Relaxed Fit" screen is bigger than ever, because let's face it, you are too
I can't really keep up with the specs, but basically this phone has 40% more woo than the regular plebe phone. The presenter definitely has a way fancier shirt than the garbage phone person had.
iPhone now bragging about censorship. I mean sensor shift!
https://twitter.com/Pinboard/status/1183751308802699264
Horse detected!!
Horse detection intensifies!
The phone has a LiDAR scanner to make it an even better surveillance device while keeping it warm in the hand
This is definitely the horsiest phone Apple has ever presented
Behold the minimalist simplicity of Apple's naming scheme!
So there you have it! Fancier phones and a home surveillance golf ball, all manufactured by forced labor under a genocidal regime. But soon—carbon neutral! extremetech.com/extreme/306909…
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