Thread by @sirens_con

We're back again! @amytenbrink welcomes everyone and notes that we're in a liminal space in this very strange year of 2020, which falls between *our* years of discussing Heroes (2019) and Villains (2021).

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In 2020, we all feel like we're failing, not doing enough, not being enough -- "Like we've become the villains in our own stories."

But Amy thinks we're all heroes.

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In classic Amy style, she says "fuck that" to the traditional definition of heroism.

What we're doing for ourselves, our loved ones, and our communities -- that is heroic.

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Amy previews tomorrow's schedule! Which you can find online at sirensconference.org/at-home

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We have already raised over $1200 for 2021 scholarships!!!

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But we can do even better than that, yeah?

Help us help amazing people join us next year!

sirensconference.org/scholarships

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It's time for Anxiety, Rage, and Attempting the Impossible in a World on Fire! Moderator @tinytempest opens us up and has our panelists introduce themselves: @jennbrissett, @jruoxichen, @joykim, @srgruber, @MsUppityness, and @kbwagers!

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Bradford begins the conversation by asking, when this pandemic started, was there a point where you hit the wall? And then, if you could move past it, how?

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Kim finds it difficult to pin down *one moment* that was hardest -- but drew on skills from fandom! Knowing what it's like to have online friendships and being able to help people for whom that's newer.

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Chen speaks to the temporal displacement we're all experiencing. "Is it February 379th right now?"

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Chen also advocates grasping at any tiny tiny silver linings that you can -- choosing to do things intentionally to build community.

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Brissett admits she knows she hasn't bounced back and can pinpoint when she hit the floor -- when she was diagnosed with covid.

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Brissett talks about being in New York when covid began to escalate, hearing ambulances, and slowly realizing she didn't just have the flu. Hit a wall "because it just sort of dawned on me that I'd had a fatal disease without knowing that's what I'd had."

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"I feel like I was lied to." Brissett speaks to the anger she's felt, to the guilt of wondering if she transmitted it before knowing what it was, to how "my whole life has just been thrown up in the air!"

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Wagers: "I don't know if I'm okay or not." Like being Wile E. Coyote who's run off the cliff but hasn't looked down to drop yet. They had a release party on March 6th, and that was the last time they saw their family.

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Schechter declares herself an overachiever who has hit that wall three times. A lot of day-to-day things didn't change. "The things that broke me were the things that were central to my being."

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Schechter talks about WisCon and the "hopeful denial" of think-hoping the con would still happen -- then feeling broken at not being able to see her people, her family at the con.

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"Thank god for Zoom!" Schechter says, crediting it for being able to bring her out of the gloom and give her a way to connect with her people.

Bradford agrees. "Zoom has kept me alive."

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Gruber shares the story of her family getting sick, being told that it might be a 6-12 month recovery. "I was devastated... and furious."

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Gruber speaks to the challenge of not feeling well enough to do the things that might help with isolation.

Something that helped? Audiobooks. "Got me to a place where I could rest enough that I could start reaching out to my community."

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Bradford asks about the things that have felt impossible. What's been hard to get done -- even if it's something you normally enjoy or that usually de-stresses you?

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Kim answers that focus has been tough. Keeps checking out new books from the library even though she hasn't been able to finish them. Talks about holding herself less to self-imposed standards of perfection, remembering it's not permanent.

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Gruber admits to being unable to manage email. (Nods from other panelists indicate that she's not alone!)

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Wagers is determined to keep powering through, acknowledges privileges they enjoy, healthy and safe and in a relatively low-impact area -- but also aware that the powering through might lead to an eventual breakdown.

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Brissett speaks to challenges of not being *able* to do the things that she knows she needs to do to take care of herself. Trying not to beat herself up about it. "Eventually, I'll get out of this, too."

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Schechter talks about yo-yoing: "On the days that I'm good, I'm really good!" Making masks, getting the to-do list checked off. "And then... I can't do anything for a week."

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Chen: "I don't think I've ever known so much about my coworkers' cats and dogs!" The one highlight of everyone working from our homes having animals as tension-breakers.

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Chen speaks to burnout -- already a problem for many creatives -- and how that pressure has escalated and comes with weird tensions in the age of covid. Have to allow things to take more time to process.

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Bradford asks the panel: How are you protecting yourself, how are you finding joy?

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Brissett has stayed away from Facebook; finds Twitter more manageable, especially since she can create funny, happy lists to follow.

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Gruber connects this idea to what Diana Pho said last night, about rejuvenating spaces: being intentional about what stories to choose to engage with. She's started watching K-Dramas! New form to her; has to read subtitles so can't doomscroll while watching!

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Chen likes chattery podcasts. "It has the effect of when you're re-reading something that's so familiar, you're not really reading it, but just sort of absorbing the words into your brain." Comforting background noise.

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Schechter: "I have leaned really hard into stupid." Binge-watching shows, "the stupider the better".

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Schechter also muted a bunch of people on FB. Not that they're bad people or not friends -- but curating her lists to those she really wanted to connect with and who would cheer her up, support her.

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Kim says since 2016, she's tried to "avoid Trump voice as much as possible. ... I will stay informed, but I don't need to listen to it."

Comfort has been k-pop! Will give recommendations. ;)

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Wagers discusses practicing minimalism and the idea of "curating your life". They've done a lot of things like turning off notifications, leaving phone in another room while reading so they don't doomscroll after three pages of a book!

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Bradford ends with asking panelists to share "the best thing someone has said to in the pandemic times, that's helped you feel better or happier?"

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Chen: A friend says that imposter syndrome means you've thought through the matter and don't really have to be as anxious as you are. Finding assuredness inside that anxiety.

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Gruber: While ill, had to cancel a project with a friend. Friend's response was "Please do not ever apologize to me for taking care of yourself." Has become an inner refrain; it's okay to just say no.

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Wagers speaks to the challenge of promoting books in this time -- but it's still important to take joy in the ways readers respond and to know that you've done good work.

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Brissett admits she doesn't know how to answer that question. No one specific thing that's fully picked her up. Hard to hear the good things right now.

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Schechter: Overarching theme was that she did not realize the impact she'd had on someone else's life. Not Imposter Syndrome, "'cause I know I'm awesome!" Didn't realize that being her had such an effect.

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Kim remembers a conversation with a coworker where the coworker remembered and celebrated her saying, "Perfection is not a 2020 thing!"

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And now it's on to the discussion rooms!

Thanks so much to our amazing panelists! Especially for being so open and vulnerable in These Times.

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