Thread by @hughhowey

I write speculative fiction for a living, so let's do something fun. I'm going to tell you a story that takes place in an alternate universe, one in which Trump wins reelection in the biggest landslide since Reagan carried 49 states. It goes like this:

All his life, Donald Trump has hated anything *not* him. A classic narcissist, this hate of the "other" made him xenophobic and racist. He started his campaign decrying Mexicans. One of his first moves was to ban the entry of Muslims.

The hate of "other" also made Donald Trump a germaphobe. This is a guy who once said that shaking hands is "barbaric." This was long before we collectively agreed with him. He was ahead of his time.

washingtonpost.com/news/morning-m…

Donald Trump also hates when people cough and sneeze around him. He makes every visitor to the Oval Office wash their hands. This was before there was a global pandemic. We would all soon share these little quirks.

businessinsider.com/germaphobe-tru…

Donald Trump hates people flooding into our country. He hates germs, coughing, sneezing, hand-shaking. He ran on a promise to "Make America Great Again." Take us back to the 50s, after a World War that devastated Europe and Asia, back to when we built and exported things.

In 2014, Donald Trump became obsessed with the Ebola outbreak, terrified of a coming catastrophe. He goaded President Obama on Twitter. He started thinking about his own demise and legacy. He started bathing in hand sanitizer. When no one was around, he wore an N95 medical mask.

A year later, Donald saw his funds running dry from his reality TV stint. He missed being on TV. He missed the ratings, the adoring fans, the feeling of being awesome and important. He decided to start his own TV channel. First, he'd drum up followers by running for president.

Oh hell, he actually won. Without even an acceptance speech, Donald stumbled into office. He dreaded all the hand-shaking to come. All the sneezing people around him. He wanted to play golf, mostly. And watch TV. Especially if he was on that TV. This sucked.

But the plane was nice. And the helicopter was cool. And dudes with guns under their jackets standing around. Okay, not bad. And there are nice people saying we can do whatever we want, we can ban Muslims, arrest people at the border. Keep everyone out. Hell yes.

Stupid courts won't let him do what he wants! And all these liberals getting angry because kids are in cages. For someone who wants to be loved more than anything, for someone obsessed with ratings, the next two years are torture. Pure hell. For him.

Consistently the lowest approval ratings in modern times. Didn't even with the popular vote. Small crowds at his inauguration. These things grind at him. His home town of New York loathes him. All he has is Fox News. So he watches obsessively.

And he puts on rallies. He's not really running for anything anymore. Just enjoys the banter with the mic, the people who will chant along with him no matter what he says. The airing of grievances. Every major network runs them without interruption. The ratings are great.

But... he can't stop flipping over to see what the other stations are saying. They keep saying he's not doing a great job! But everyone around him says he's the best ever. Why won't everyone love him? Why won't his wife sleep in the same room with him? Or hold his hand?

A fear creeps in, one worse than being poor, which was always his greatest fear. No, his greatest fear was waking up as a black woman in a relationship with another black woman. Realistic fears, being poor was #1. Until now. He found a new terror. Being universally loathed.

People were comparing him to Hitler, for crissakes! Totally not fair. Hitler could do anything he wanted. Trump had generals, judges, and half of congress saying there were limits. Can't stop people from coming in. Can't nationalize industry. Can't do any of the fun stuff.

But one day, Trump was scribbling on some of the scratch paper they bring him every day, and he noticed the word "virus" written there. Virus? What's this? In China! He wears suits made in China. Could he get this virus? He raised his hand and asked.

At first, his aides were startled that he'd read one of his briefings. "Tell me about this virus," he says. "Is this like ebola?"

"Worse," they tell him. "Much worse. Millions will die from this."

Trump doesn't hear the numbers. He thinks about how he'll probably get this one day, what with all the sneezers and coughers and hand-shakers.

Meanwhile, he's being impeached. Him! Impeached! Another stain. Universally hated. The new name of evil, like old Hitler.

"I'm going to close the borders," Trump says. "No one else gets in."

One of his advisors nods his approval. "Good idea. Other countries are already restricting travel from China. We can do the same."

Another advisor points out: "We will get hammered for being xenophobic. Remember the Muslim ban? All the court setbacks? It'll be like that."

Another advisor: "And we can't strand Americans over there. Besides, we're kinda in a trade war with China right now. The timing is bad."

A third advisor: "What if we just ban Chinese nationals and let everyone else come through? Oh, and we leave open flights from Hong Kong, Macao, and let in anyone who transfers planes in Europe? And anyone with an American passport who is in China?"

apnews.com/article/d227b3…

Trump looks at this third advisor, who is telling him to do what he might've done in an alternate universe, a universe where he wasn't born for this moment, this chance to lock down their borders airtight as a tick's ass.

"You're fired," he says.

"No," Trump says, surveying the room. "We're locking down all entry. Even to Americans. Fuckem. They love it somewhere else, they can stay there. No flights in. No boats. Nothing."

There is stunned silence. Advisor #3 is escorted out.

"Another thing," Trump says, rubbing sanitizer on his hands. "From now on, everyone bathes in this stuff. Buy as much as you can and ramp up production. Steal factories. I don't care. And masks. We're gonna make a shitload of masks."

And money, he thinks to himself.

The room erupts in chaos. Orders are not being followed. Trump fires two more advisors. Things settle down a little.

"We are at war," Trump declares. "At war with this virus. And we will destroy it. Call a press conference."

They do. Terrified, but they do.

News of the shutting of the American borders tanks the stock market. It drops by half! In another universe, it only goes down 26%. Trump realizes he will never be reelected. The liberals are even angrier at him. That's okay. He's going to go down fighting.

"No more shaking hands," Trump declares. "And anyone heard coughing must be reported. I want to track where they've been, who they coughed near, who that other person got in contact with. I want them all followed!"

The ACLU loses their shit. Liberals foam at the mouth.

"This week, each and every one of you will receive a mask in the mail," Trump says. He pulls his own mask out of his pocket, the one he wears to bed at night. "This is how to properly wear them." He pinches the N95 down over the bridge of his nose.

"These are mandatory. Also, bars and restaurants are closed for the time being. But Trump Steaks and Trump Vodka have been relaunched. Oh, and in-person learning is suspended. Trump University however is back online."

Liberals self-implode.

Soon, there are armed men in the streets wearing MAGA N95 masks, camouflaged masks, masks with their favorite pro wrestler on them. They yell at the liberals not wearing masks. People learn to comply. People stay indoors out of fear. They eat Trump Steaks and drink vodka.

"Worst president in history," the people say.

"Xenophobic," they cry.

"Germaphobe," they lament.

Even Fox News rails against him, what with the stock market and all. Trump doesn't care. He closed his borders. No more hand-shaking. No more coughing! He was BORN FOR THIS.

Overseas, something dreadful is stirring. Italy is crashing. Hospitals are full.

Britain has an outbreak. Oh my goodness, their PM is sick. Everyone is sick. China has shut down. Trump watches TV and plays golf. He realizes how socially distant golf really is. He has an idea.

"Sunday is now golf day," he says. "Go outside and play golf. But don't shake hands. Sanitize. And wear your mask."

American goes golf mad. Trump realizes he needs to build more courses. He creates a new branch of the government to oversee them and hires Tiger Woods to run it.

Protests erupt over mask wearing. A few virus outbreaks are traced to them, something that would not happen in an alternate universe of mask-wearing protestors. These outbreaks are tracked and traced. Daily testing becomes mandatory for all citizens.

forbes.com/sites/tommybee…

"We're gonna test, and test, and test," Trump says. He gets tested himself on live TV, showing people how it isn't that bad. They shove the swab way up there. He barely budges. "Not the worst thing I've put up my nose," he jokes. The reports laugh behind their masks.

A second impeachment trial is underway, and there's talk of implementing the 25th amendment. Even Republicans are saying enough is enough. The stock market is in the tank. This is an election year. They're going to lose their jobs. C'mon, this'll be over by Easter!

But Trump won't budge. He won't listen to the nonsense about summer ending this. "I've been to Brazil in the dead of their summer, and people were sick!" he says. The lockdown remains. That's final. When courts decide against him, he asks another court, ad infinitum.

By July, it's apparent that this is the end of the Republican party, all brought down by Trump and his xenophobia and germaphobia.

But wait... what's that? The measures in Europe aren't working. This virus, holy shit it's bad. Only New Zealand and the US have had any success.

Well yeah, but New Zealand is an island. And Donald Trump turned the United States into an island. That's not fair. And all the fascist mask-wearing stuff and forcing people to get tested. The dude was paranoid! Terrified!

And then the trade numbers come in...

The United States has a trade surplus for the second quarter. How is this possible? Oh yeah, all their factories remained open. And they've been cranking out masks, sanitizer, testing kits, ventilators, golf clubs.

The stock market starts ticking up. The annoying liberal protests are squashed. Everyone is getting used to the swab tests and new spit tests are trickling out. Masks are now a sign of patriotism and Christian respect for others. Trump's approval numbers are even inching up...

It's September before people realize what happened, how lucky Americans were to have the right man in the right place at the right time. Atheists convert by the droves. People see a divine hand at work here.

Even liberals come around, begrudgingly.

In October, the New York Times endorses Donald Trump for President, saying that whatever the reason for the lockdown, it surely saved half a million American lives. And that whatever else terrible he has done in office, he was the leader we needed in this crisis.

Democrats put up a feeble defense of their candidate, pointing to the numerous crimes and moral failings, but they fall on deaf ears. Americans are going to concerts while the rest of the world suffers. They are building things and exporting them. America is great again.

Voter turnout is more of a coronation than an election. Parades in every city, but none so grand as in New York, Donald Trump's old home, where he returns as a hero and favorite son, with ticker tape in the air showing new records for the Dow.

"Twelve more years!" they shout. "Twelve more years! President for life."

Donald smiles. "Eight is plenty," he says. "There's a lot of golf to play."

And in this alternate universe, all of this comes true because Donald Trump allows himself to be the hateful, xenophobic, germaphobe he was always meant to be. A man born for this moment. But who squandered it all in our universe by being a blathering orange moron.

The End.