Thread by @CulturalGutter

Mes amis, Hercule Squalo has made himself comfortable in an overstuffed chair in Latitude Zero's parlor and is prepared to reveal the victim, the weapon and the murderer in the most difficult case of The Murder at the Gutterthon! 🦈🔍🥁 #Gutterthon2020

"The first question, the question of the victim, is easily answered. So easy that even Constable Zaius might have guessed the identity. The victim is the much despised, Johnny Alucard." 🦈🔍👻👀 #Gutterthon2020

At this revelations, those gathered in the parlor nodded and murmured in approval having suspected something of the kind. Inspector Mamuwalde smiled slightly as Constable Zaius puffed out his chest. 🦈🔍🥁 #Gutterthon2020

Adjusting his waistcoat slightly, the renowned detective Hercule Squalo continued, "Having dispensed with the victim again, so to speak, let us continue to the question of the murder weapon. What could so thoroughly obliterate a vampire?" 🦈🔍⁉️🧛🏻‍♂️🥁 #Gutterthon2020

"Sunlight, running water, though Monsieur Alucard has survived both before apparently. Non, mes amis, the only weapon that could so thoroughly destroy the undead is an Exploder Button!" 🦈🔍🧛🏻‍♂️💥💥💥👻 #Gutterthon2020

"And having the weapon we now have the location, n'est-ce pas?"

Inspector Mamuwalde added from behind the gathered suspects, "The exploder button at Pemberly."

"Just so, inspector. Just so," Squalo replied turning to his old friend. 🦈🧛🏻‍♂️💖🔍🏰🥁 #Gutterthon2020

"And this seems to give us our murderer, too, does it not? Miss Jane Austen..."

"You have no proof," exclaimed Jane Austen as she jumped from her chair.

Constable Zaius rose at once, "You are a known ne'er-do-well, Austen!" 🦈🔍🕵️🏻⁉️ #Gutterthon2020

Hercule Squalo showed his feelings concerning a most distasteful display with only a slight quirk of his perfectly groomed moustache. Mamuwalde urged both Austen and Zaius to return to their places.

"But, sir, we know it's her--her and that Col. Elvis!" 🦈🔍👨🏻 #Gutterthon2020

When the room was restored to order, the renowned detective continued. "You are referring, of course, to the evidence found at the scene of the crime... the blue suede shoe?" 🦈🔍🕵️🏻🕵️🏻🥁 #Gutterthon2020

"Of course, of course," Constable Zaius replied. "Austen and Col. Elvis must have conspired to silence Alucard when he discovered their affair. It was a crime of passion!"

Austen scowled, but Col. Elvis continued polishing his monocle. 🐵🔍🕵️🏻🕵️🏻⁉️ #Gutterthon2020

Zaius brandished a scrap of paper at the unflappable detective, "And there's this scrap of paper found in Alucard's apartment, 'Netsua.' Netsua is Austen!"

"My dear constable, please be seated. Your looming oppresses Squalo." 🐵🔍🕵️🏻⁉️#Gutterthon2020

When order had once more been restored, Squalo shifted more comfortably in his chair and addressed Constable Zaius. "Well done, constable. You begin to exercise the little grey cells." Zaius grinned. 🦈🐵🔍🕵️🏻⁉️🥁 #Gutterthon2020

"You have, however, overlooked one small matter. Hercule Squalo is shocked that you would overlook a matter so minute and yet so important and obvious." Then Squalo rose from his chair. "Let us fortify ourselves, mes amis. There is much more to tell." 🦈🔍🕵️🏻⁉️👀 #Gutterthon2020

And with that, the renowned detective retired to luncheon refusing to answer any questions regarding the murder as injurious to his digestion.

To be continued--after lunch! 🦈🔍🥩🍤🐟🍮🫖🍬 #Gutterthon2020

The company was seated once again in Latitude's comfortable parlor. As butler Godzilla and maid Gort passed among them with golden coffee carts, renowned inspector Hercule Squalo began to speak once again. "A lovely meal, non? Truly superior." 🦈🔍🕵️🏻🥁 #Gutterthon2020

"Squalo had heard that each resident of Latitude Zero was responsible for providing meals to their fellows. Squalo did not expect such a gourmet experience. Magnifique."

Constable Zaius interjected, "Enough about lunch. Get to the point, Squalo!" 🐵🔍😡🦈

"This is obviously a crime of passion. Alucard, a well-known scoundrel, discovered an affair between ne'er-do-well Jane Austen and Col. Elvis and they silenced..."

There was a sudden clatter as Jane Austen flipped the coffee cart nearest her. 🐵🔍🙍🏻‍♀️🤬‼️ #Gutterthon2020

"#$*@ you, Zaius, I would bloody well never..."

"Calm yourself, Miss Austen." Squalo said. "Constable Zaius is correct about the evidence, but not its interpretation. Please be seated and let us discuss this matter in, as you say, a 'civilised' manner. 🦈🔍🕵️🏻❓ #Gutterthon2020

Squalo took a sip of his espresso and carefully dabbed at his mouth and neat little moustache before continuing. "Let us avoid all indiscreet conversation of personal matters by turning again to an overlooked detail of evidence." 🦈☕️🔍🕵️🏻🥁 #Gutterthon2020

Excellent coffee forgotten, the room was completely silent. Even Gort and Godzilla stopped in their efficient management of the affair.

"Col. Elvis, forgive a foolish question, but you are an active member of the American military, n'est ce-pas?" #Gutterthon2020 🦈🔍🕵️🏻🥁

The colonel donned his shining monocle and replied, "Yessir."

"As I thought," Hercule Squalo said turning back to the room. "Must I remind you all that the blue suede shoe is not military issue? Not even among les Américains?" 🦈🔍‼️👀👞#Gutterthon2020

"No, this was not a crime of passion, unless that passion were hatred. Monsieur Alucard was a hated man. As Groundskeeper Black Phillip noted, everyone hated him." At this, Inspector Mamuwalde laughed.

"My old friend, will you share why you laugh?" 🦈🔍 🕵️🏻🥁 #Gutterthon2020

"Perhaps you let the good constable run ahead having some other theory of your own? Please share it with Squalo."

Inspector Mamuwalde replied, "Everyone in this room had reason to hate Alucard, save you and I and one other." 🧛🏻‍♂️🔍🕵️🏻❓🔍 #Gutterthon2020

"Surely Constable Zaius did not hate Monsieur Alucard?!" "Alucard was disrespectful. Zaius had reason, but I do not suspect him," Mamuwalde replied. Zaius looked down and cursed, "the beast man."

"No, I refer to Gort, the maid. Gort is incapable of hatred." 🧛🏻‍♂️🔍🕵️🏻❓ #Gutterthon

"Ah, indeed," the detective said, consider the 8 ft tall gleaming silver maid. "Do you suspect the others hated Monsieur Alucard so that they gathered together to program Gort to murder Monsieur Alucard for them?"

"The perfect crime," Mamuwalde said. 🦈🧛🏻‍♂️🔍🤖‼️ #Gutterthon2020

"It seem so, mon cher ami," Squalo said. Gort's visor began to slide open, revealing a dangerous and devastating weapon.

"Oui, the crime parfait... except for one small detail. Squalo is troubled by this shoe." 🧛🏻‍♂️🦈🔍🤖⚡️⚡️💥❓#Gutterthon2020

Gort's visor slid shut again and Godzilla began refilling coffee cups. "Certainly, as you say, Alucard was widely hated and programming Gort to use the exploder button at Pemberly is genius. But why leave the shoe?" 🦈🔍🤖❓🥁

Dowager Eartha Kitt began to pet her cat as the room grew restless. "Squalo knows this matter appears inconsequential, but when one turns one's grey cells to the matter one realizes what folly it would be to attempt to frame one's colleague in murder." 🦈🔍👞👀🧠 #Gutterthon2020

Inspector Mamuwalde was stunned. Ne'er-do-well Jane Austen exploded out of her seat and flipped the other coffee cart, leading Godzilla the butler to roar indignantly. "B*&&*#$," she yelled. The other attendees all began talking over one another. 🦈🔍🧠👀💥🤬🥁 #Gutterthon2020

"You can't mean...," Mamuwalde started. "Oui, before us are accomplices and weapons, but not the mind who covered *his* tracks by framing them. They are guilty, perhaps even in the eyes of the law, but they did not conceive of this crime." 🦈🔍🧠💥‼️🕵️🏻🥁 #Gutterthon2020

The shining monocle dropped from Col. Elvis eye. Ne'er-do-well Jane Austen sat down heavily and dropped her head into her hands. "Yes, mes amis, someone planted the shoe to, what is the phrase, 'hang a frame' on you." 🦈🔍🧠💥‼️‼️#Gutterthon2020

"Some suspected, but knew in their hearts what had happened. Some were willing accomplices. But all were tools to be used and discarded by a man who hated Johnny Alucard more than them all." 🦈🔍🕵️🏻😮 #Gutterthon2020

Inspector Mamuwalde stared at Hercule Squalo, "Who? There is no evidence of anyone else involved in this crime?"

"There may never be. We face a mind more cunning than Blofeld or even, forgive me, dear friend, Dracula." 🦈🔍❓‼️🧠

Hercule Squalo rose and waved at the suspects assembled in the room, "You may arrest them if you think it wise, Inspector Mamuwalde. I do not think we will ever convict the true mastermind behind the Murder at the Gutterthon." 🦈🔍🕵️🏻😔

"But who is it?!" Constable Zaius demanded. "Who is responsible?"

"Is it not obvious, Constable?" the renowned detective said as he adjusted his suitcoat. "The mastermind behind the Murder at the Gutterthon is Brian Kirby, also known as @DriveInMob." 🦈🔍🧠🕵️🏻😱 #Gutterthon2020

There is an unfortunate dearth of Mamuwalde / Blacula emojis on Twitter #Gutterthon2020

@threadreaderapp unroll please!