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Michael Govern Ready

4 Nov, 9 tweets, 3 min read

Goveller’s Travels

Wednesday 4th November

To the west of Brobdingnag was a kingdom in psychic disarray. Americans as they were known, voting to choose between a misogynistic, racist, bully and coward, and somebody who wasn’t. The former, Trump, who made his money in

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the cut and thrust world of being born, when not sacrificing citizens on the altar of his own stupidity, undermining the fabric of the world’s loudest democracy, getting impeached, praising neo-Nazis, batting away 26 incidents of unwanted sexual contact and 43 instances of

inappropriate behaviour, or getting nostalgic about happy times spent with leading paedophile Jeffrey Epstein, was much salivated over by the Bad Boys of Broxit, Banks, Wigmore, Twice and Farage. Seeing much of themselves in this renaissanonce, these caitiffs sought his company

like nits on a scalp, and more than one pair of beige chinos had moistened ‘ere now, when the great molester deigned to throw them a stray glance.

On election night, I was brought to his chamber, that he might do some thumbs-uping with Britain’s leading mollusc; but as fond

as princes commonly are of ravaging their own kingdoms, he was glad to hear of anything he could do to destabilise mine. So imagine with thyself, courteous reader, how often I then wished for the tongue of Demosthenes or Cicero, that might have enabled me to elucidate the

havoc my own government had wreaked, in this brave new world of thundering philistinism. Yet as the results didn't come in, and he began barking all the first words that came into his head, 'cheat, steal, win, man, woman, person, camera, TV', I could summon only thus:

that it wasn’t the securing of his presidency that people would remember him for, but the majesty he discovered towards the rest of the world whilst he held it. Success may happen by merit, chance or fraud; so it must be in it's administering that our caliber is measured;

and I assured him that his abject cowardice and rotten neural pathways were not answerable to those excellent qualities of a massive bank account and falsifying that he was master of; and that although other animals such as bees and ants had the reputation of more industry, art,

@Michelangela75

and sagacity, as inconsiderable as he took me, a humble slug, to be, I hoped I would live to do his majesty any single, slimy, silvery trail based service he ever desired.

With many thanks to @Michelangela75 for locating this mesmerising oil painting of the gastropodcast.

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More from @mikegove12

Michael Govern Ready

@mikegove12

3 Nov

Goveller’s Travels

Tuesday 3rd November

It was the time of Lockdown 2.0 in Brobdingnag, a disappointing sequel to the original, but a necessary bridge to spring’s much anticipated Lockdown With A Vengeance. As the plague was having two days off before it premiered, the giant

people rushed out to get last jobs done such as spreading the virus, setting up shell PPE companies, relaunching anti freedom of movement parties as pro freedom of movement parties, and getting their hair cut. I attended King Boris’s levee, where in the barber’s hand, his

majesty’s Hanlon’s razor was a sight to behold. According to the custom of the realm Boris was shaved always three weeks after he needed one, something to do with limiting parental DNA samples, and it put me in mind of an amusement wherein I spent many of my leisure hours.

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Michael Govern Ready

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2 Nov

Once more unto the bleach, dear friends, once more;
Or close the wards up with our English dead.
In peace, there's nothing so becomes a man
As armchair epidemiology:
But when data galore blow in our ears,
Then imitate the action of the ostrich;

1/6

Ignore science, sink in the sand our heads,
Disdain fair logic or hard-favour'd Sage;
Don’t lend the facts legitimate aspect
That fly from the portage of the head
Like the brash gammon; disavow, o'erwhelm them
As fearfully as doth a galled rock

O'erhang and jutty his confounded base,
Swill'd with the wild and wasteful ocean.
Now shut up shop, and stretch the nostril wide,
Hold hard the breath, and call up every bigot
From his dull plight. On, on, you noblest Tories,
Whose intellect from science and judgement

Read 8 tweets

Michael Govern Ready

@mikegove12

27 Oct

Goveller’s Travels

Tuesday 27th October

My nurse Therese Coffey being at the chamber pot, the window was open and I saw in the great Brobdingnag Channel a vessel the size of Parliament Hill doing donuts in the water. We knew straightway this clandestine channel threat was

serious when local MP Bob Seeley immediately left one of his lockdown breaking Wight Power BBQs to assess it. Seven impoverished and presumably desperate stowaways had turned on the unfortunate crew, but luckily for the armchair Rambos of Brobdingnag, this rather sad narrative

wasn’t going to get in the way of the nation’s broadcasters getting a collective SBS fuelled hardon at the thought of trained killers fast-roping from Chinooks under cover of darkness to neutralising the threat. They occasionally walked the narrative back to the actual facts,

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Michael Govern Ready

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26 Oct

Goveller’s Travels

Monday 26th October

Steered by maverick disruptor Dom, whose chodus operandi was to break anything he didn’t understand like a potty-phobic two-year-old, King Boris spaffed billions on track and trace, untendered PPE contracts, mediocre restaurant chains,

a state-subsidised love life, and Broxit. So the national purse strings needed tightening and who better to bear the brunt of the hardship than Brobdingnag’s impoverished? It was a sensible hill to fight on, for while the Dido Hardings, Rupert Soameses and Crispin Odeys of this

colossal Tory universe were accustomed to the finer things in life, starving kids couldn’t possibly miss something they’d never had. He despatched his finest mind to make the argument, a sort of understudy PG Tips chimpanzee in a Burton’s court suit who believed in

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Michael Govern Ready

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15 Oct

Goveller’s Travels

Thursday 15th October

Brobdingnag’s intellectual beacons – the likes of Julia Hartley-Brewer, Toby Young, Allison Pearson, Arron Banks, Carole Malone, Charles Walker, Isabelle Oakeshott and her concubine Richard Tice – were of the cumulative opinion that

the first duty of a democratic government was not to protect the lives of its citizens, but the bank accounts of its business people. Spurred by the same altruism that saw them demonise migrants for their own safety and tank the economy so that working men could

keep Toby Jugs full of sovereignty on the mantlepieces of their repossessed houses, they were driven by concerns for the vulnerable, and their landlords. The ague they argued, must be allowed to transmit because only the elderly would die, which was very sensible, because

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Michael Govern Ready

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14 Oct

Goveller’s Travels

Wednesday 14th October

The kingdom of Brobdingnag is much pestered with flies in summer, each as big as a grit fed grouse. These odious insects thrived on chickens so wretched they were marinated in chlorine, cows swimming

in more hormones than a Tour de France urinal, and pigs pumped to the back trotters with such volumes of ractopamine that just one pork scratching made Brexit hardman Steve Baker have his recurring anxiety hallucination about parachuting into Arnhem naked. They would sometimes

alight upon my victuals and leave their loathsome excrement behind, which to me was very visible, though not to the native Tories of that country, whose large optics were not acute in viewing details, like the impending Broxit precipice. It was the common practice

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