I just remembered my first panic attack. I had a crush on a girl and she invited me out to a quiet club with like 8 of her friends. I was like maybe 24? And I was out of my league. Everyone else was far better dressed and could afford fancy drinks, so... panic attack.
I could never fit in with these people. They were prettier, richer, smarter, classier than I had business trying to be around. I tried to fake it to make it, but I just KNEW I was gonna make a foible or say something or do something not in my favour. Rejection was a certainty.
Before I lost face, I excused myself from the group, went to the door, and asked the doorman to get me a taxi.
My chest was tight, I couldnβt breathe or think straight, and even had trouble walking down the full flight of stairs to the door. I was acutely aware of my fear.
While I waited, they brought me some water, and then the girl found me. I felt so small and broken.
She had sympathy and even identified I was probably having a panic attack. She did all the right things at that moment. She even paid for the cab.
I rode home in tears.
Looking back I never really had a chance with her. I was nowhere near being relationship material myself yet.
Because Iβve been rejected so much Iβve had a fear of rejection all my life. It hurts to think I mustered up the courage to go along, to be sabotaged by a panic attack.
The memory still hurts. I tell myself I failed that night. I donβt think it went as planned, for either of us.
But the one thing I tell myself is even though that was not my night, she did think enough of me before that to invite me. And that I even thought enough of myself to try π₯²
End.
β’ β’ β’
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1. In the fandom 23 years denying my furry side, but then this year gave myself permission to actually make a sona and participate! Yup, I'm old.
2. I discovered the fandom online, but its more appropriate to say I discovered furries through a friend's copy of CU Amiga magazine with a special on Eric Schwartz and his digital illustrations. Clarisse Cat. Then went online and discovered his webcomic & art archive. I was ~15.