Thread by @GuardianofJupi1

#xicheng

One thing that Lan Xichen notices when he begins courting Jiang Wanyin was the subtle, mirthless and half-hearted smile whenever Lan Xichen tells him that he loves him. It isn't often Lan Xichen says those words, but after three months exchanging gifts and letters, he-

can't help but wondering.

At first, Lan Xichen thinks that perhaps that his feelings aren't really reciprocated by Jiang Wanyin. Perhaps he has the been the only one really invested in this relationship. After all, Lan Xichen has been the one who travels back and forth, from-

Gusu to Yunmeng just so he can see Jiang Wanyin.

He can't help himself. Lan Xichen misses Jiang Wanyin like an enormous void that only the sight of Jiang Wanyin can fill.

But it can't be. Because whilst Jiang Wanyin may not fly to meet him in Cloud Recesses, he often receives-

Lan Xichen in Lotus Pier with such anticipation that it dispels all of Lan Xichen's insecurities. Jiang Wanyin often runs out when he hears Lan Xichen's arrival, breathless and flushed, with a sweet smile adorning his face. If they were alone, Jiang Wanyin will stand on his -

-tiptoes and wrap his arms around his neck in tight hug. If they weren't, ever the shy man, Jiang Wanyin would grab his hands tightly. It doesn't matter if they has just seen each other last week or last month or even yesterday, Jiang Wanyin's greeting never loses its enthusiasm.

The whole day/week they would spend together after that, never once did Lan Xichen feel his affection is one-sided. His heart would feel full from Jiang Wanyin's attentiveness, bursting with deep fondness for the man.

When he leans down to kiss those lips, he can't help-

but says how much he loves him.

And then, the half-hearted smile appears. Lan Xichen sees the light in Jiang Wanyin's eyes dimmed slightly as he forces himself to accept the declaration. Why do those words seem repulsive to him?

Lan Xichen fully intends to let this go. What-

-he has with Jiang Wanyin right now is so good, how dare he yearns for more? How can he yearn to see Jiang Wanyin accept his declaration and to hear him speak those words back to him?

One night, he had waited for Jiang Wanyin to come back to their room. When he didn't come-

Lan Xichen go out to look for him, thinking he has probably lost track of time, again, and is probably hunching over the table doing paperwork.

He passes by the ancestral hall before he accidentally overhears Jiang Wanyin's voice, murmurs in the dim light. Lan Xichen opens his-

-mouth to call him out when he hears something that causes him to halt in surprise.

"What kind of damage in me to hate such words of endearments?" Jiang Wanyin whispers. "I wish I don't have such visceral reaction, but here I am, A-Niang. It's just a matter of time before he-

-decides that I'm too much work. He's going to see me as someone unlovable because I can't even say the word love to him." Jiang Wanyin bows his head. "A-Niang, I dread the inevitable."

Lan Xichen inhales sharply. Is that what Jiang Wanyin thinks? That he is going to-

-give up on him just because he can't say he loves Lan Xichen back? Didn't Jiang Wanyin know that this is never a contest to begin with?

He can't just trespass the sacred hall, unmarried -, and so, he trotted back to their room, pacing nervously as he waited for Jiang Wanyin.

An hour later, Jiang Wanyin slithers into the room, fully expecting Lan Xichen to fall asleep, considering the late hour, but he is surprise to see Lan Xichen sits on the chair, waiting.

"Xichen-ge...?" Jiang Wanyin asked. "Why are you still up?"

"Wanyin..." Lan Xichen smiles.

Like a moth drawn towards the fire, Jiang Wanyin steps closer to his betrothed and sits beside him. "Can't you sleep?" He asked softly, worried. "Was it a nightmare?"

Lan Xichen shook his head; he hasn't had any nightmare about that accursed night since he and Jiang Wanyin-

-have gotten together. His memories (and heart) have been slowly healed, basking in the light of Jiang Wanyin's absolute affection. "I was waiting for you."

"Oh?" Jiang Wanyin's cheeks burn slightly. "It's not that we could- I mean- before the marriage takes place..."

Lan Xichen lets out breathless laugh. "While I'm fervently counting the day until I can take you to our bed, no, sweetheart, I didn't mean it like that."

Jiang Wanyin cocks his head like a puzzled kitten, looking so adorable, and Lan Xichen mourns for the countless times, why-

does their auspicious date have to be is so far away? The heaven is testing him, no doubt about that.

"I've accidentally overheard you, Wanyin, when I was looking for you early this evening. I heard what you said in the ancestral hall..."

Jiang Wanyin's eyes went huge as-

-embarrassment colours his cheeks and nose. "You- you heard what? What did you hear?!"

"Not all of it," Lan Xichen quickly appeases Jiang Wanyin. "But there is some that I couldn't help overhear..."

Jiang Wanyin agitatedly stands up. "Whatever that you heard-"

Lan Xichen stands up as well and quickly grabs Jiang Wanyin's hand. He coaxes his betrothed to look up at him and quietly says, "I love you."

Jiang Wanyin lets out a shaky breath, realising with part of his speech that Lan Xichen has overheard.

Lan Xichen continues still-

"I love you, Wanyin, and there's nothing that you *couldn't* say to me that can drive me away. If I were to spend the rest of our lives telling you this, please know that this is not a competition or a transaction that needs to be given in return."

Jiang Wanyin can't hardly-

-believe his ears because how can Lan Xichen be so unreal sometimes? How a man like him deserves someone so unearthly good as Lan Xichen?

Lan Xichen frets silently. He fears of pushing Jiang Wanyin too much that he might drive him away.

It takes a few moments for Jiang Wanyin-

-to find his voice. "Xichen-ge..." he speaks up softly. "You must know that... words of promise fear me greatly. I have learned that being promised forever by the people I love only causes my expectation to soar. And the higher is my expectation, the harder is my fall."

"My whole life, no one ever really says that they *love* me. A-die expect nothing from me, while A-niang expect the impossible. Wei Wuxian promised a future but only to bring despair and broken promises. A-jie told me that we'll be together but she ran into battle for Wei Wuxian.

Jiang Wanyin smiles brokenly to Lan Xichen and the taller man can finally see the pieces of his heart that never really mended. It is damaged by years of lovelessness and disappointment and abandonment. He sees how the boy, who lived without being told that he was loved, grew up-

-believing that he is unlovable. He grew up believing every relationship will end up with him being left behind. He grew up *damaged*.

Jiang Wanyin continues, "And each you said- the word-, I can't help thinking of the end of it all. I trust you, Lan Xichen, don't think that I-

-I don’t. It’s just that something in me that can’t seem to say those words back. So, I tried to show you instead, with my actions. I’m…” Jiang Wanyin is struggling, clearly deeply frustrated and angry with himself.

If there’s anything Jiang Wanyin hates the most is when he-

thinks himself to be inadequate. Lan Xichen knows that, so he immediately pulls the smaller man closer into his firm hug and places a lingering kiss on the forehead. “You’re enough for me, Wanyin. You always are. I’m sorry if I ever made you think otherwise.”

Jiang Wanyin frowns. “So… you don’t mind?”

“That you can’t say it back?” Lan Xichen laughs. “Wanyin, I know it already. Weren’t you the one who learn to make my favourite meal-“

“-It is just a vegetable soup…” Jiang Wanyin grouses.

“-who scours Caiyi Town to stock up the tea

leaves that I like-“

“-Yumneng offers better leaves.”

“-who built a library for my own collection-“

“It’s not just for you. The whole Lotus Pier benefits from it!”

“-who work hard days prior my visit just to spend time with me-“ Lan Xichen’s voice drops low seductively.

“Well, I-!” The blush is brilliant now.

“-who leaves everything he was doing just to run and greet me at the pier,” his hands caress the arch curve along Jiang Wanyin's back, seeking the smooth skin among the folds of his robe. He smiles softly when he felt Jiang Wanyin shiver.

He bends his head to nuzzle the soft, sensitive skin on Jiang Wanyin’s neck, inhaling the sweet scent of lotuses on the pink expanse of skin. “-who generously praising my musical skills, appreciating all the paintings I made by hanging them on his personal office, glaring to all-

-who talk bad about me.” Lan Xichen whispers the words into the skin he is kissing, as if he is praying to this god who brings his dying heart back to life.

“-and weren’t you the one who kneels in his ancestral hall, praying for me to keep loving him as if I am not already-

half-mad in love with him already.” Lan Xichen raises his head, his smile trembles at the sight of Jiang Wanyin’s awestruck face.

“I don’t need to be told that you love me, Wanyin. I can *see* it every day.”

Wordless, Jiang Wanyin throws himself into Lan Xichen’s embrace.

--

Every time Lan Xichen tells him that he loves him, Jiang Wanyin will only leave a single lotus petal in Lan Xichen’s sleeves.

But it’s okay.

Lan Xichen will tell him every day until he believes that he is not unlovable.

Jiang Wanyin will always know Lan Xichen loves him.