Thread by @RichyCraven

The most stressed out I've ever been about Christmas was when I was 16 and I got my first ever job, working at M&S in Dundrum.
As soon as I started I kept hearing these myths about the Christmas Eve Waste Sale, where all the food that wasn't sold on the 24th was marked down 90%.

Everyone I worked with kept telling me not to get anything in beforehand because there was so much left that you could get your whole Christmas meal after the shop had shut on the 24th.
Dad & I argued for weeks about it. Going back & forward on whether to get a turkey beforehand

Eventually, we decided we were going to risk it.
I was working until close on Xmas Eve anyway so my Dad said we might as well give it a go.
Before I went into work that day he told me "Just at least try and get a turkey, no matter what happens"

It was the most stressed I've ever been working in retail (which is saying something). I worked in Home & Gifts so every chance I got I would sneak over to Foods and see how busy it was, how many turkeys were left.
It was so busy I was convinced that there's be nothing left.

Eventually closing time rolls around and all the staff clock out and wait for the sale to start.
Now comes my next heart attack. I thought it was just whoever was working Christmas Eve that was able to go but the entire workforce has trickled in since closing and is waiting.

I'm 16 years old and I feel like my family's entire Christmas is riding on me.
I swear to myself that, no matter what happens, I'm going to come out of this with at least a turkey. No matter who I have to bludgeon to do it.
Even if it means not having a job on the 26th.

The main Foods manager comes out and ceremoniously announces that we can go in and I stick the head down and charge.
I don't go quite as far as to trample anyone but I can't say I wouldn't have itf it had come to it.
I'm convinced it's going to be an all out brawl and...

It's like something out of a Harry Potter Christmas scene or the end of Fantastic Mr. Fox.
There is *so* much food left. Everyone there could have taken 2 turkeys and there still would have been some left.
This was Christmas 2006 btw. The height of the Celtic tiger.

I grab a Turkey the size of an American toddler and then I'm just kind of at a loss.
There's really was so much left over. I ended up grabbing sausage stuffing, croquette potatoes, duck-fat roasters and candied parsnips and carrots.

I start to drift towards the tills and manager asks me what I'm doing.
I think I've taken too much, there's some spending limit I haven't heard of.
Instead he's asking me why I'm wasting food and throws pork crackling and sticky toffee pudding into my basket.

I go to the till, expecting this to be the big reveal where it will actually end up costing me my entire month's pay.
It costs 23 euro.
Now my only problem is that I have about 16 kg worth of food and I've arranged to meet my dad 2km away because Dundrum parking is extortion

There's also no point of ringing him and asking him to come closer because my Dad comes home from work every day and puts his phone in the kitchen drawer & that's where it stays until he leaves for work the next morning.
Does this defeat the purpose of a mobile?
Yes, yes it does

Anyway. I schlepp this bounty all the way to where we are supposed to meet and I see that he is literally pacing, at 11.00 Pm in December, outside his car.
He sees me and he looks like a husband waiting for his wife's operation results.

When we went through the shopping bags in the boot of our Corolla I swear I got some inkling of what it must be like to win Wimbledon and then do that thing where you climb the stands to hug your parents.

He was instantly like "Rich, this is too much. How much did you spend? The whole idea is that this was supposed to cost less!"
I showed him the receipt and we ended up driving home blasting Springsteen the whole way.

Yes, Dad had to start prepping and cooking a turkey at 11.30 the night before but the next day we ate like Kings.
Or at the very least, people from Dalkey.

Anyways, the food was great and the best thing was thatdad made a big deal about me providing it.
Any time someone said they liked something he'd give me an elbow in the ribs.
By the end of the dinner you'd have sworn I'd taken the job as some sort of Oceans 11-style long-con

Anyways, this Christmas is probably going to be a bit shit in comparison so it was nice to reminisce about a better one.
Also, I got a Creative Zen MP3 player which I'm still convinced is the pinnacle of music technology.

Reading over this, we come across a bit like the Cratchetts.
We weren't needy or anything. We just couldn't turn down the opportunity for cost-price pork crackling.

I've not known fear quite like writing this after a bottle of wine and then waking up to this many notifications.

For those of you asking, my dad is very much still with us.

I just called him and told him about how he went viral on Twitter and his reaction was to take a beat, say "that's nice" and then ask what I got mum for Christmas.

Never forget

The replies to this are equal parts lovely dad memories and people furious that the Creative Zen lost out to the iPod.

I've nothing to plug but maybe consider throwing a donation here?
I try to donate on Toy Show Day to assuage the guilt of being so mean to children on Twitter.

"Make a donation to Barnardos" barnardos.ie/how-you-can-he…

Right, my mentions are just a constantly changing vortex of good cheer right now so I can't keep up with them. Sorry if I don't get to respond to you.
Thanks for all the well wishes.

I look forward to alienating at least half of you in the coming weeks.

Linking the disappointing sequel for ease (and shameless self promotion).

https://twitter.com/RichyCraven/status/1466180969053007872?t=1C-IcWIiE7A_UI_7SbfczQ&s=19

If you would like to put a pale, flu-ravaged face and voice to this story then I had a lovely chat with @frankcottrell_b about it on his Insta.
I did a reading of it and then he showed me a clip of his, much better, reading.

instagram.com/reel/CmJVadvpP…

Frank was nice enough to ask me to read out whatever this is at the Penny Readings, a charity event for The Reader.
It's a great foundation that brings books and reading into people's lives so, if you have the means, please think about donating

donate.thereader.org.uk/sales

If you enjoyed the above well then, as a direct result of this thread and all the support and lovely comments people have posted through the years, I have a novel coming out in 2024.

Different story. Same dumb sense of humor.

linktr.ee/richycraven