1/
Today is #WorldAIDSDay and I'm reflecting on the time that I got my first voluntary HIV test.
Wait.
I take that back. I am reflecting on the time that I decided to submit a narrative about my experience getting my first voluntary HIV test for publication.
Meta, I know.
Today is #WorldAIDSDay and I'm reflecting on the time that I got my first voluntary HIV test.
Wait.
I take that back. I am reflecting on the time that I decided to submit a narrative about my experience getting my first voluntary HIV test for publication.
Meta, I know.
2/
So I'd written this narrative back in 2008. And the fast story is that it was about me being a hypocrite about pressing a patient to be tested for HIV when I had never been voluntarily tested myself. Why?
Because I was scared.
Yup.
So I'd written this narrative back in 2008. And the fast story is that it was about me being a hypocrite about pressing a patient to be tested for HIV when I had never been voluntarily tested myself. Why?
Because I was scared.
Yup.
3/
I put that all on paper. Spoke this truth about being afraid and how my fear was rooted in the growing numbers of Black women impacted by HIV.
I mean. That's what I told myself.
But then I asked my colleague/wondertwin @DMalebranche to read it & give me some peer feedback.
I put that all on paper. Spoke this truth about being afraid and how my fear was rooted in the growing numbers of Black women impacted by HIV.
I mean. That's what I told myself.
But then I asked my colleague/wondertwin @DMalebranche to read it & give me some peer feedback.
4/
Him: "You say you were afraid because of what you had in common with your patient?"
Me: "Yeah. It was an ah hah moment. Like her, I'm a Black woman."
*silence*
Him: "But is that really why you were afraid?"
Me: *scrunching face* "I'm not sure what you mean."
Him: "You say you were afraid because of what you had in common with your patient?"
Me: "Yeah. It was an ah hah moment. Like her, I'm a Black woman."
*silence*
Him: "But is that really why you were afraid?"
Me: *scrunching face* "I'm not sure what you mean."
5/
Him: "You said you wanted to be brave in telling this story, right?"
Me: *furrowing brow* "Right. . . ."
Him: "Then be honest."
Me: *squinting* "But I was."
Him: "But were you? Fear comes down to risk and stigma. And risk comes down to behavior. Period."
Period.
Him: "You said you wanted to be brave in telling this story, right?"
Me: *furrowing brow* "Right. . . ."
Him: "Then be honest."
Me: *squinting* "But I was."
Him: "But were you? Fear comes down to risk and stigma. And risk comes down to behavior. Period."
Period.
6/
Him: "I'm not saying this isn't powerful. But the thing is--your fear wasn't because you're a Black woman. That alone didn't put you at risk for HIV, sis. A behavior did."
Ooph.
Him: "You want to be brave?"
Me: "I want to be brave."
Him: "Then be honest."
Whew.
Him: "I'm not saying this isn't powerful. But the thing is--your fear wasn't because you're a Black woman. That alone didn't put you at risk for HIV, sis. A behavior did."
Ooph.
Him: "You want to be brave?"
Me: "I want to be brave."
Him: "Then be honest."
Whew.
7/
With that feedback, I added this edit:
"And was it exactly the fact that I was a young, black woman like my patient that scared me? Or was it really that, at some point, I had knowingly put myself at risk, just like my patient?"
Because risk comes down to behavior. Period.
With that feedback, I added this edit:
"And was it exactly the fact that I was a young, black woman like my patient that scared me? Or was it really that, at some point, I had knowingly put myself at risk, just like my patient?"
Because risk comes down to behavior. Period.
8/
I stared at it for a few days. I'd take that part out. Then put it back. Then take it out again.
Ultimately, I put it back in. And hit send.
I was equal parts elated & terrified when @JAMA_current accepted it less than 72 hrs after I sent it in.
I called David crying.
I stared at it for a few days. I'd take that part out. Then put it back. Then take it out again.
Ultimately, I put it back in. And hit send.
I was equal parts elated & terrified when @JAMA_current accepted it less than 72 hrs after I sent it in.
I called David crying.
9/
Me: "Shit. What have I done?"
Him: "You were honest. You were brave."
Me: "I was stupid. I'm going to look bad."
Him: "You're going to look HUMAN."
*silence*
Him: "Look. You stood up for your pt by showing that she's not alone. That's dope."
That made me feel better.
Me: "Shit. What have I done?"
Him: "You were honest. You were brave."
Me: "I was stupid. I'm going to look bad."
Him: "You're going to look HUMAN."
*silence*
Him: "Look. You stood up for your pt by showing that she's not alone. That's dope."
That made me feel better.
10/
And so. Today, on #WorldAIDSDay2020, I'm reflecting on that pivotal peer-mentored lesson in empathy. @DMalebranche helped me to see that reducing stigma calls for acknowledging not just the humanity of our patients, but our own as well.
Period.👊🏾
JAMA. 2008;300(5):483-484
And so. Today, on #WorldAIDSDay2020, I'm reflecting on that pivotal peer-mentored lesson in empathy. @DMalebranche helped me to see that reducing stigma calls for acknowledging not just the humanity of our patients, but our own as well.
Period.👊🏾
JAMA. 2008;300(5):483-484
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