Sometimes making it through the day as a very depressed person is like going down the monkey bars and it’s fine if I can only be busy and distracted but, come midnight, it’s really like the sensation of swinging through that momentum and reaching for the next bar and grabbing air
(I know, I know, no one wants to hear my midnight depresh thoughts, the worst most hackneyed etc)
Ain’t it just the horrible, formless December darkness closing in and in and in until you can’t breathe
I do my best to keep going because I know I have to but I don’t know, almost every day brings a what-is-the-point o’clock. And I know there are many points, and the world is often beautiful, and I have a kid, and that’s like a contract for survival, but I also just don’t know
I’m sorry
I promise that I even get on my own nerves (often). The nights are the hardest. And then come morning I will feel ashamed and then back into the spiral I go!
I don’t know if this will make any sense to anyone else but it feels like every hour is a room that I have to fill with furniture/art/whatever and at the end of the hour a door opens and I hope that it will lead to a new structure but it’s just another room that needs filling
(I do see a therapist, and a psychiatrist, and I have a good team on my side, and I reach out, and talk to them, and take meds, and try to stay hydrated, and do my best to be a good friend and citizen and be well-hydrated and stay curious etc, etc. I’m sorry!)
I just want to be a cool fun person who tweets interesting history things and has normal interactions with people and no (well, limited) meltdowns
It’s just that I don’t really believe in a future. I will not write a book. I will not write anything of much again. I will not publish anywhere. I will not have new ideas. It will just be less and less. It will be nothing. The way things are going, at least, it will be nothing
Which is the way things should be, because I am nothing. I have no education, the successes I’ve had are a fluke, my following on here is a fluke and they’ll soon see the truth, the one thing I am good at is being kind to people but even that isn’t a superpower
(And seriously I’ll stop now before I TRULY hate myself in the morning)
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