Lmfao how am I ever supposed to get well enough to return to my job?
I know y'all see me posting stuff and are probably confused as to why I'm not able to work right now. It's because I'm mentally ill. The creative stuff I do outside of work- like electronics and neat blog posts- are mechanisms for me to regain my abilities.
But they're hard. Focusing is all or nothing for me- I either can not focus at all or I laser focus on something to the point where I don't eat, sleep, or anything. Starting and finishing creative tasks is incredibly difficult and inconsistent for me.
Winterbloom only ships orders on time because I pay someone to do that. Blog posts? They either took me 5 months of disorientation or 3 days of destructive hyperfocus to write.
This is on top of my depression and anxiety. These three things amplify each other like standing waves of mental anguish.
This is especially bad for me when I have expectations and deadlines. Work puts me in an environment where I don't feel psychologically safe and expects me to be able to use my limited creativity.
Since emails and chats and meetings generate a ton of anxiety and distractions I'm left with only one option to actual get work done: hyperfocus.
& hyperfocus isn't a cannon that I can aim at a task and obliterate it. It is an atomic bomb driven by a cracked-out weasel. I don't get to choose where or when it explodes.
& so I either accomplish no work or I accomplish the wrong work. That brings more stress, more anxiety, more guilt, and less and less focus.
My doctors and my treatments are helping, but god it feels like such a long way to go before I can have a healthy relationship with work. 😔
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You stupid motherfuckers are about 4 years late. Y'all are complicit. You gave him a platform- a megaphone. You encouraged him. You made money from him.
You only give a fuck now because he can't retaliate anymore.
Don't even pretend otherwise. Your Safety team routinely suspends the accounts of trans people for no god damn reason. Trump should've been banned ages ago but your leadership has protected him for FOUR YEARS.
Fuck you, Twitter Safety & Leadership. I don't feel any more safe.
"After close review". Your review took four years? Four years?! Hundreds of thousands of people dead because of this demagogue and you let it happen for *years*.
I hope to high hell that that the new administration seeks to heavily regulate Twitter & Facebook.
I've been throwing myself at making a tiny c library a beautiful polished rock because I've been outright avoiding processing anything that's happening in my life.
Why would I try to deal with my crushing loneliness and anxiety when I could enable another esoteric compiler warning and make sure my 300 lines of code doesn't upset software daddy?
Why try to figure out how the hell I'm supposed to go back to work when I could read through the disassembly of switch statement?
I'm taking apart my KeyStep for $REASONS, so here's a thread of interesting things I've found!
🧵
First up is the brains of the operation: an STM32F103. Not a lightweight chip: It's a Cortex M3 @ 72MHz. It's got 256kB of flash and 48kB of RAM and that's a 100-pin TQFP package!
The KeyStep has a 9V power input so I wanted to see what voltage regulator it uses - no surprises here, it's the tried and true LD1117. Nice heatsink design.
I once raised an issue with a SVP of marketing for only highlighting a single cis male drag queen instead of the incredible accomplishments of a multitude of LGBTQ women.
Nothing fucking happened. He got the whole spotlight, we got the bullshit excuses.
If you're a trans woman reading this: It's complicated and nuanced and my take wasn't so much about people in the trans community but just cis people in general thinking that it's this universally affirming thing for trans women.
There's a reason we tend to use these filler words - it's a natural partner of human speech. They appear in every natural language. The serve an important linguistic purpose.
The biggest is that in conversations they indicate that the current speaker isn't done with a thought, so that other people int he conversation don't interrupt. Of course, when on stage it's a one side conversation. But- this isn't the only purpose.