Lmfao how am I ever supposed to get well enough to return to my job?
I know y'all see me posting stuff and are probably confused as to why I'm not able to work right now. It's because I'm mentally ill. The creative stuff I do outside of work- like electronics and neat blog posts- are mechanisms for me to regain my abilities.
But they're hard. Focusing is all or nothing for me- I either can not focus at all or I laser focus on something to the point where I don't eat, sleep, or anything. Starting and finishing creative tasks is incredibly difficult and inconsistent for me.
Winterbloom only ships orders on time because I pay someone to do that. Blog posts? They either took me 5 months of disorientation or 3 days of destructive hyperfocus to write.
This is on top of my depression and anxiety. These three things amplify each other like standing waves of mental anguish.
This is especially bad for me when I have expectations and deadlines. Work puts me in an environment where I don't feel psychologically safe and expects me to be able to use my limited creativity.
Since emails and chats and meetings generate a ton of anxiety and distractions I'm left with only one option to actual get work done: hyperfocus.
& hyperfocus isn't a cannon that I can aim at a task and obliterate it. It is an atomic bomb driven by a cracked-out weasel. I don't get to choose where or when it explodes.
& so I either accomplish no work or I accomplish the wrong work. That brings more stress, more anxiety, more guilt, and less and less focus.
My doctors and my treatments are helping, but god it feels like such a long way to go before I can have a healthy relationship with work. 😔
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