The Courage To Be Disliked:
Key takeaway from Adler's theory of Individual psychology. It focuses on the approach of teleology and not aetiology.
A THREAD:
Key takeaway from Adler's theory of Individual psychology. It focuses on the approach of teleology and not aetiology.
A THREAD:
1/n
-> Does our past matter?
NO. Our past plays no role in deciding who we are or who we want to be as a person. It is the present, your actions that define you. It doesn't matter where you are born or with what you are born, what matters is how you make use of those things.
-> Does our past matter?
NO. Our past plays no role in deciding who we are or who we want to be as a person. It is the present, your actions that define you. It doesn't matter where you are born or with what you are born, what matters is how you make use of those things.
2/n
-> But our past actions do define our future. Don't they?
Past itself has no meaning. It depends on you as an individual what meaning you choose to give it. Anyone can change at any point of their lives. What people lack is the courage to change and attain freedom
.
-> But our past actions do define our future. Don't they?
Past itself has no meaning. It depends on you as an individual what meaning you choose to give it. Anyone can change at any point of their lives. What people lack is the courage to change and attain freedom
.
3/n
Adler describes all the problems as interpersonal relationship problems.
Remember, All the problems that you go through are
𝗜𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗿𝗽𝗲𝗿𝘀𝗼𝗻𝗮𝗹 𝗿𝗲𝗹𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝘀𝗵𝗶𝗽 𝗽𝗿𝗼𝗯𝗹𝗲𝗺𝘀.
Adler asks an individual to see others as his comrades and not enemies.
Adler describes all the problems as interpersonal relationship problems.
Remember, All the problems that you go through are
𝗜𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗿𝗽𝗲𝗿𝘀𝗼𝗻𝗮𝗹 𝗿𝗲𝗹𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝘀𝗵𝗶𝗽 𝗽𝗿𝗼𝗯𝗹𝗲𝗺𝘀.
Adler asks an individual to see others as his comrades and not enemies.
4/n
People see other people as enemies and can't think of them as comrades, because they are running away from life tasks.They often resort to the life lies to achieve their goals. And these life lies are nothing but excuses to satisfy their goals.
People see other people as enemies and can't think of them as comrades, because they are running away from life tasks.They often resort to the life lies to achieve their goals. And these life lies are nothing but excuses to satisfy their goals.
5/n
-> What are GOALS here?
We often see people getting divorced after 10-12 yrs of their marriage. People suddenly start finding flaws in their significant other - he snores while sleeping, she is rude etc. These are not the CAUSES of divorce which in turn we perceive as EFFECT
-> What are GOALS here?
We often see people getting divorced after 10-12 yrs of their marriage. People suddenly start finding flaws in their significant other - he snores while sleeping, she is rude etc. These are not the CAUSES of divorce which in turn we perceive as EFFECT
6/n Rather people change their goals.
The goal here is - "𝗜𝘁 𝗰𝗮𝗻𝗻𝗼𝘁 𝘄𝗼𝗿𝗸𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝗯𝗲𝘁𝘄𝗲𝗲𝗻 𝘂𝘀", and we find all the excuses to satisfy our goals. Rather 𝗡𝗼𝘁 𝗴𝗶𝘃𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘂𝗽 should be the goal and you see all the excuses fade away.
The goal here is - "𝗜𝘁 𝗰𝗮𝗻𝗻𝗼𝘁 𝘄𝗼𝗿𝗸𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝗯𝗲𝘁𝘄𝗲𝗲𝗻 𝘂𝘀", and we find all the excuses to satisfy our goals. Rather 𝗡𝗼𝘁 𝗴𝗶𝘃𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘂𝗽 should be the goal and you see all the excuses fade away.
7/n
-> What are Life Tasks?
Life tasks consists of three tasks -
Task of work, Task of friendship and Task of love.
Task of work is the simplest task of all. We complete this task unconsciously without even realizing. The relations you form at your workplace signifies this task
-> What are Life Tasks?
Life tasks consists of three tasks -
Task of work, Task of friendship and Task of love.
Task of work is the simplest task of all. We complete this task unconsciously without even realizing. The relations you form at your workplace signifies this task
8/n
Task of friendship is a bit difficult to achieve. This extends beyond the boundary walls of your workplace. Task of Love is the most difficult task to achieve of all the three. This involves giving other people the space. Accepting their flaws and giving them freedom.
Task of friendship is a bit difficult to achieve. This extends beyond the boundary walls of your workplace. Task of Love is the most difficult task to achieve of all the three. This involves giving other people the space. Accepting their flaws and giving them freedom.
9/n
-> What is FREEDOM here?
It may sound strange but freedom here refers to people disliking you. People often spend their time in pleasing others and to be in the good books of everyone, but they still end up being disliked by others.
-> What is FREEDOM here?
It may sound strange but freedom here refers to people disliking you. People often spend their time in pleasing others and to be in the good books of everyone, but they still end up being disliked by others.
10/n
Being disliked is a proof that you are living life to your own terms and not for others. If there is a group of 10 people, there will always be someone who dislikes you, no matter what, he/she will always oppose your views.
Being disliked is a proof that you are living life to your own terms and not for others. If there is a group of 10 people, there will always be someone who dislikes you, no matter what, he/she will always oppose your views.
11/n
Out of the remaining there will be one who will always support and guide you. Rest will have no opinion and will be a part of the crowd. Have the courage to accept this and focus on the feeling of superiority.
Out of the remaining there will be one who will always support and guide you. Rest will have no opinion and will be a part of the crowd. Have the courage to accept this and focus on the feeling of superiority.
12/n
-> How do we deal with inferiority in interpersonal relationships?
There are two aspects. The feeling of inferiority and Inferiority complex. And both are completely different terms. Every human goes through this feeling of inferiority as it is a natural thing.
-> How do we deal with inferiority in interpersonal relationships?
There are two aspects. The feeling of inferiority and Inferiority complex. And both are completely different terms. Every human goes through this feeling of inferiority as it is a natural thing.
13/n This makes us strive for more and better. When the feeling of inferiority doesn't add fuel to a person's growth, it becomes a complex. While feeling of inferiority is a good thing, Inferiority complex demoralizes us. Another term related to this is superiority complex.
14/n
You might have seen people who boast about everything and anything. These people often live the life's of others. The only goal they have is a desire of recognition.
-> But isn't desire of recognition something we all need? Everyone wants to be recognised for their work.
You might have seen people who boast about everything and anything. These people often live the life's of others. The only goal they have is a desire of recognition.
-> But isn't desire of recognition something we all need? Everyone wants to be recognised for their work.
15/n
We have a DESIRE FOR RECOGNITION only because our deeper goal is to realise our worth and be of use to others. There can be other ways to realise your worth as well. A desire of recognition makes you crumble to someone else's life.
We have a DESIRE FOR RECOGNITION only because our deeper goal is to realise our worth and be of use to others. There can be other ways to realise your worth as well. A desire of recognition makes you crumble to someone else's life.
16/n
Adlerian psychology focuses on the transition from individual interest to social interest. There are 3 key points to it -
1. Self-acceptance
2. Confidence in others
3. Contribution to others
Adlerian psychology focuses on the transition from individual interest to social interest. There are 3 key points to it -
1. Self-acceptance
2. Confidence in others
3. Contribution to others
17/n
We are interested in self-acceptance and not self-affirmation. Suppose you scored 60% in your exams. A thought like - "I could have easily scored 90% or above had I studied more" is self affirmation.
We are interested in self-acceptance and not self-affirmation. Suppose you scored 60% in your exams. A thought like - "I could have easily scored 90% or above had I studied more" is self affirmation.
18/n
And a thought like - "I should plan how to go from 60% to 90% and perform better than this the next time." Is self acceptance. It is important to accept who you are , only then you can change, otherwise it is always easy to live diabolically.
And a thought like - "I should plan how to go from 60% to 90% and perform better than this the next time." Is self acceptance. It is important to accept who you are , only then you can change, otherwise it is always easy to live diabolically.
19/n Confidence in others is the next important thing. Note that we are interested in confidence but not trust. Trust comes with conditions. A Bank gives you a loan based on the securities you deposit. This is TRUST. Confidence is unconditional.
20/n
-> Unconditional? Are you kidding me? Won't people take advantage of me?
If you believe in others even if they take advantage of you, do you think they will keep doing the same and misuse this relationship? NO.
You have to change yourself to change the people around you.
-> Unconditional? Are you kidding me? Won't people take advantage of me?
If you believe in others even if they take advantage of you, do you think they will keep doing the same and misuse this relationship? NO.
You have to change yourself to change the people around you.
21/n
Focus on making horizontal relationships and not vertical relationships. There should be no hierarchy.
You can even have a horizontal relationship with your Boss or seniors. And we humans cannot distinguish b/w where to have vertical and horizontal relationships.
Focus on making horizontal relationships and not vertical relationships. There should be no hierarchy.
You can even have a horizontal relationship with your Boss or seniors. And we humans cannot distinguish b/w where to have vertical and horizontal relationships.
22/n
This is the reason we can have only one out of the two and almost everytime we end up having vertical relations with others, even with our friends.
Contribution to others is the next key. Adlerian psychology focuses on the formation of a community.
This is the reason we can have only one out of the two and almost everytime we end up having vertical relations with others, even with our friends.
Contribution to others is the next key. Adlerian psychology focuses on the formation of a community.
23/n
A community is not limited to your college or school. This whole universe is a community. It is when you contribute to this community you realise your worth. And hence your desire for recognition.
A community is not limited to your college or school. This whole universe is a community. It is when you contribute to this community you realise your worth. And hence your desire for recognition.
24/n
-> How do we achieve this? Desire for recognition is really strong.
Adler talks about the separation of tasks. This to me is the heart of Adlerian Psychology.
For instance, In a parent-child relationship, the parent often keep on telling their child to study....
-> How do we achieve this? Desire for recognition is really strong.
Adler talks about the separation of tasks. This to me is the heart of Adlerian Psychology.
For instance, In a parent-child relationship, the parent often keep on telling their child to study....
25/n ... while the child is always lost in his/her own world. According to Adler this is an intrusion by the parents. Studying is a child's task as the benefits of studying will only be enjoyed by the child.
->Are you serious? How can this be an intrusion?
->Are you serious? How can this be an intrusion?
26/n This is an intrusion in every possible sense. As a parent your task is to only let them know that you are there whenever they need an assistance or when they feel like studying. You can only take a horse to the pond, but you cannot make him drink water.
27/n We often end up intruding in other people's tasks and this is where the problem arises. In a relationship, your task is to make the other person know of their importance, whether to reciprocate or not is their task. It is their own space.
28/n
->Isn't this a self-centered approach of living?
No, this is not egocentric. The act of believing is the act of separating tasks. Neither you should praise others, words of encouragement are what people need.
->Isn't this a self-centered approach of living?
No, this is not egocentric. The act of believing is the act of separating tasks. Neither you should praise others, words of encouragement are what people need.
29/n
-> Not Praise others?
Yes. Praise is a judgement passed on by a person with abilities to a person lacking abilities.
Do not rebuke or praise, but ENCOURAGE.
-> Not Praise others?
Yes. Praise is a judgement passed on by a person with abilities to a person lacking abilities.
Do not rebuke or praise, but ENCOURAGE.
30/n Consider another scenario - You are in a coffee shop sipping the latte, wearing your favorite jacket. The waiter accidentally spilled someone else's order on your jacket. The next scene what I see is you shouting on the waiter to submit himself to you.
31/n
But the question is -
You shouted because you were angry or you were angry because you shouted?
What does that even mean?
Anger is a way of communication which people often use to show some authority on others and make them submit.
But the question is -
You shouted because you were angry or you were angry because you shouted?
What does that even mean?
Anger is a way of communication which people often use to show some authority on others and make them submit.
32/n
Anger is a tool which people keep in their pockets. Whenever they want someone's undivided attention they use it as a weapon.
-> No way. Anger is an emotion. This all is a sophistry.
Anger is a tool which people keep in their pockets. Whenever they want someone's undivided attention they use it as a weapon.
-> No way. Anger is an emotion. This all is a sophistry.
33/n
Consider another scenario - A mother and daughter were quarreling on some issue and suddenly the phone rang. Mother was shouting on her daughter before the call and as soon as she picked up the call, there was a sudden change in the tone, it was loveable infact !
Consider another scenario - A mother and daughter were quarreling on some issue and suddenly the phone rang. Mother was shouting on her daughter before the call and as soon as she picked up the call, there was a sudden change in the tone, it was loveable infact !
34/n
The moment she put the phone down, she was furious again!
Isn't this amazing? Your anger can be controlled by a phone call?
In the previous example even if you had politely asked the waiter to be careful, the scenario would have been different.
The moment she put the phone down, she was furious again!
Isn't this amazing? Your anger can be controlled by a phone call?
In the previous example even if you had politely asked the waiter to be careful, the scenario would have been different.
35/n
He knew he had committed a mistake and would have been all ears.
You fabricated anger when and needed.
He knew he had committed a mistake and would have been all ears.
You fabricated anger when and needed.
36/n
-> How do you define Life?
Take a chalk and draw a line on the blackboard. Now take a magnifying glass and and observe that line carefully. Do you see that linear line as a connection of dots? This is LIFE.
-> How do you define Life?
Take a chalk and draw a line on the blackboard. Now take a magnifying glass and and observe that line carefully. Do you see that linear line as a connection of dots? This is LIFE.
37/n
It is a connection of dots, known as moments. The past and the future dots have no significance, what matters is the present moment, the spotlight is on the present dot or what we call this dot as NOW.
It is a connection of dots, known as moments. The past and the future dots have no significance, what matters is the present moment, the spotlight is on the present dot or what we call this dot as NOW.
n/n
Have the courage to be disliked and most importantly - focus on the separation of tasks. People are extremely selfish creatures who are capable of finding any number of flaws and shortcomings in others whenever the mood strikes them. Find a comrade, not an insecure enemy.
Have the courage to be disliked and most importantly - focus on the separation of tasks. People are extremely selfish creatures who are capable of finding any number of flaws and shortcomings in others whenever the mood strikes them. Find a comrade, not an insecure enemy.
@threadreaderapp please unroll
• • •
Missing some Tweet in this thread? You can try to
force a refresh
