Most men have absolutely no idea how to talk to their wife.

Their wife says, “Talk to me!” and he answers, “What am I supposed to say?”

Women develop emotional intimacy through talking. Men don’t know how to do this.

Here’s a thread on communicating intimately with your wife:
Women tend to be happiest when they feel USEFUL to the people they love. They also want to feel TRUSTED with inside information about how you’re doing and what your challenges are, again so they can HELP and BE USEFUL.

VULNERABILITY indicates huge trust.

What is vulnerability?
VULNERABILITY is revealing your weak areas. This terrifies men because we hate weakness, as it lowers our value and social status and exposes us to potential wounding.

Women crave to see weakness so they can be useful by helping their partner grow and shield his weak points.
But women do not respect men who fall apart sobbing about their problems without having a plan to fix them. They respect a man for HAVING A WEAKNESS, not for BEING WEAK.

When I say men need to learn to be vulnerable, they picture BEING WEAK.
The best way men can approach this paradox is to STATE A PROBLEM THEY FACE. Share the EMOTION attached to that problem (frustration, sadness). Then explain the solution you’ve ALREADY THOUGHT OF.

Next, you ASK FEEDBACK ON THAT SOLUTION.

This is a crucial formula.
Women DO NOT want men coming to them for all the answers. A man who’s too afraid to think logically and find a solution is NOT attractive.

But women’s brains work relationally. They see patterns and tiny connections the hyper-focused male brain may miss.
Sharing your weakness with a woman indicates trust. Sharing your feeling about that problem shows her your thought process and helps her relate to you. Asking her feedback on your solution invites her to be USEFUL to you. Being USEFUL makes her feel secure in the relationship.
If you REFUSE to do this, to share vulnerability and ask for feedback, you are saying to her

“I DON’T TRUST YOU, I DON’T TRUST YOUR THINKING, I DON’T NEED YOU, SO I WON’T STAY WITH YOU FOR VERY LONG, I’M LOOKING FOR ANOTHER WOMAN I’LL VALUE MORE.”

This kills her sex drive.
Following the formula above may INCREASE her sex drive as you develop true emotional intimacy with her through trust and respect. She feels valuable and USEFUL and believes she’s secure because you’ll want to keep her for more than just sex.

Emotional intimacy is an aphrodisiac.
If you want stronger marriage and a better sex life, learn to SHARE YOUR PROBLEMS, STATE YOUR FEELING, EXPLAIN YOUR SOLUTION, and ASK FOR FEEDBACK.

This is the secret to making your wife feel loved, respected, and USEFUL.

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More from @AdamLaneSmith

Mar 20
1 retweet = 1 harsh Psychology truth

I was a licensed psychotherapist for many years, and these are the most painful Psychology facts no one wants to confront. Let's go.
Men value respect over love, especially in romance. Because a woman can love a man and cheat on him, but respect will keep her loyal. Men instinctively know this.
Modern women are terrified to say the words "I respect you" to a man because they feel it gives him power.

But a man being uncomfortable saying "I love you" for the same reason is counted as an emotional crime.
Read 72 tweets
Mar 15
Hard truth ahead.

Most people today are NOT growing up inside a healthy marriage.

Your parents’ marriage (or lack of one) was supposed to be your first experience of safety, connection, and emotional regulation. But for most people? It was the opposite. 🧵👇
A healthy marriage should have been:
✔️A place where you felt safe from the storms of the world.
✔️A launching pad into adulthood where you learned trust & stability.
✔️A model for how two people love, negotiate, and commit.

But for many? Their childhood home was a battlefield.
If you were raised in a secure marriage, you grew up seeing:
Conflict handled calmly.
Affection and teamwork between parents.
Predictability—you knew what to expect.

By the time you hit adulthood, these habits were ingrained. You didn’t have to “learn” security. You lived it.
Read 12 tweets
Mar 6
You keep falling for people who hurt you. You crave the ones who won’t commit. You stay in relationships that drain you.

It’s not because you want to suffer—it’s because your brain has been trained to mistake chaos for love.

Let’s break the cycle. 🧵👇
If love feels like an emotional rollercoaster, that’s because your nervous system has been conditioned to chase the high of uncertainty.

The push-pull dynamic, the inconsistency, the emotional starvation—it’s not love. It’s an addiction to the feeling of winning someone over.
This starts young.
If love from parents was unpredictable, you learned to work hard for affection.
If attention came with conditions, you learned to perform for love.
If you were ignored, criticized, or neglected, you blamed yourself.
This wired you to chase approval.
Read 14 tweets
Mar 5
Couples therapy often makes things worse—especially for avoidant men.

If you’ve ever sat in a session and felt like it was pushing your relationship closer to ending rather than fixing it, you’re not crazy.

Let’s talk about why couples therapy can ruin a relationship. 🧵👇
Most assume couples therapy saves relationships.

But therapists are warned in grad school that most of the couples they work with will break up.

And no surprise—because couples most likely to need therapy are least likely to fit the therapist’s preconceived expectations.
Avoidant men, in particular, get singled out and hammered on in therapy.

Why? Because traditional couples therapy is designed for emotionally expressive people—those who process feelings out loud.

But avoidant men? They process internally. And that’s where the trouble starts.
Read 10 tweets
Mar 4
Your marriage isn’t what it used to be. The passion is gone. The connection is fading. Every conversation feels tense or empty.

You didn’t get married to be miserable—but you don’t know how to fix it.

Here’s why most marriages break…and how to turn yours around. 🧵👇
Right now, you feel stuck.
You love each other, but you fight too much.
Or worse—you don’t fight at all, you just feel nothing.
The bedroom is cold.
The tension is unbearable.

You think, “Maybe we’re just not compatible.” But that’s not the issue.
Most failing marriages aren’t broken from incompatibility—they’re broken from cortisol association.

Your nervous systems have linked each other to stress, frustration, and disappointment instead of love, safety, and connection.

That’s why every interaction feels worse.
Read 16 tweets
Feb 20
Ever feel like you’re just not good enough? Like no matter what you do, people will see through you and reject you?

This isn’t random—it’s a trained belief from childhood.

Let’s talk about why you don’t respect yourself and how to fix it. 🧵👇
If you struggle with low confidence, anxious attachment, or feeling like people will abandon you, it likely started early.

As a child, if you were yelled at, ignored, pushed away, or neglected, your brain tried to make sense of it. And the explanation it came up with was brutal.
Kids don’t assume their parents are bad. They assume they are bad.

“They wouldn’t yell at me if I was good.”
“They wouldn’t ignore me if I was lovable.”
“They wouldn’t leave if I was worth staying for.”

This becomes the core belief that runs your life.
Read 12 tweets

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