Most men have absolutely no idea how to talk to their wife.

Their wife says, “Talk to me!” and he answers, “What am I supposed to say?”

Women develop emotional intimacy through talking. Men don’t know how to do this.

Here’s a thread on communicating intimately with your wife:
Women tend to be happiest when they feel USEFUL to the people they love. They also want to feel TRUSTED with inside information about how you’re doing and what your challenges are, again so they can HELP and BE USEFUL.

VULNERABILITY indicates huge trust.

What is vulnerability?
VULNERABILITY is revealing your weak areas. This terrifies men because we hate weakness, as it lowers our value and social status and exposes us to potential wounding.

Women crave to see weakness so they can be useful by helping their partner grow and shield his weak points.
But women do not respect men who fall apart sobbing about their problems without having a plan to fix them. They respect a man for HAVING A WEAKNESS, not for BEING WEAK.

When I say men need to learn to be vulnerable, they picture BEING WEAK.
The best way men can approach this paradox is to STATE A PROBLEM THEY FACE. Share the EMOTION attached to that problem (frustration, sadness). Then explain the solution you’ve ALREADY THOUGHT OF.

Next, you ASK FEEDBACK ON THAT SOLUTION.

This is a crucial formula.
Women DO NOT want men coming to them for all the answers. A man who’s too afraid to think logically and find a solution is NOT attractive.

But women’s brains work relationally. They see patterns and tiny connections the hyper-focused male brain may miss.
Sharing your weakness with a woman indicates trust. Sharing your feeling about that problem shows her your thought process and helps her relate to you. Asking her feedback on your solution invites her to be USEFUL to you. Being USEFUL makes her feel secure in the relationship.
If you REFUSE to do this, to share vulnerability and ask for feedback, you are saying to her

“I DON’T TRUST YOU, I DON’T TRUST YOUR THINKING, I DON’T NEED YOU, SO I WON’T STAY WITH YOU FOR VERY LONG, I’M LOOKING FOR ANOTHER WOMAN I’LL VALUE MORE.”

This kills her sex drive.
Following the formula above may INCREASE her sex drive as you develop true emotional intimacy with her through trust and respect. She feels valuable and USEFUL and believes she’s secure because you’ll want to keep her for more than just sex.

Emotional intimacy is an aphrodisiac.
If you want stronger marriage and a better sex life, learn to SHARE YOUR PROBLEMS, STATE YOUR FEELING, EXPLAIN YOUR SOLUTION, and ASK FOR FEEDBACK.

This is the secret to making your wife feel loved, respected, and USEFUL.

• • •

Missing some Tweet in this thread? You can try to force a refresh
 

Keep Current with Adam Lane Smith | The Attachment Specialist

Adam Lane Smith | The Attachment Specialist Profile picture

Stay in touch and get notified when new unrolls are available from this author!

Read all threads

This Thread may be Removed Anytime!

PDF

Twitter may remove this content at anytime! Save it as PDF for later use!

Try unrolling a thread yourself!

how to unroll video
  1. Follow @ThreadReaderApp to mention us!

  2. From a Twitter thread mention us with a keyword "unroll"
@threadreaderapp unroll

Practice here first or read more on our help page!

More from @AdamLaneSmith

Jun 23
He’s touch starved.
She feels emotionally abandoned.
He’s burning with unmet desire.
She’s drowning in invisible labor.

This is the fight happening on my timeline right now and in many marriages.
But it’s not a war.
It’s a cry for connection on both sides.

Let’s break it down🧵
Most men stop receiving physical affection after age 12—unless they get it from a romantic partner.

That means for many husbands, the only place they feel physical warmth, comfort, and touch is in bed.

When that touch vanishes, it’s not just about sex.
It’s about survival.
Men are biologically wired for regular sexual release—yes.
But more than that, oxytocin bonding happens through physical contact, cuddling, kissing, and intimacy.
When men go without it, their bodies flood with cortisol, not calm.
It’s fight-or-flight.
It’s chemical starvation.
Read 9 tweets
Jun 19
Your wife doesn’t want sex.
She doesn’t initiate it.
She doesn’t respond when you do.
And you’re stuck wondering what happened to the woman who used to want you.

Let’s talk about what’s really going on (and how to fix it). 🧵
It’s not about your body.
It’s not about her hormones.
It’s not even about her libido.

The real issue is this:
She doesn’t feel safe.
Not physically—emotionally.
And when a woman doesn’t feel emotionally safe, her body shuts down.
She’s not withholding sex to punish you.
She’s not trying to frustrate you.
She’s trying to survive.

If she feels unseen, unheard, emotionally alone, or constantly misunderstood…
Her body responds by pulling back.
It’s a nervous system shutdown, not a rejection.
Read 9 tweets
Jun 17
The wife feels lonely and sad, but the husband has no idea why. They love each other but don't like each other anymore.

This is by far the most common married couple who comes to me for help. And there's a specific reason this is happening.

Here's the reason:
There's a hidden relationship dynamic playing out in about 50% of adults:

Growing up in families that didn't teach the vital skills needed to maintain a functioning romance has led to generations of adults who can't maintain a marriage and make it thrive.

Here's why:
You learn skills by seeing someone else using them or by having someone transmit them to you through experience.

In other words, if your parents didn't have a thriving marriage or raise you to form intentional bonds, how will you know what to do?

You're missing skills like:
Read 11 tweets
Jun 3
You're not broken.
You’re not heartless.
You’re not incapable of love.
You’ve just trained your nervous system to survive, build, and win.

But now you’re winning ALONE.
Let’s talk about why. 🧵
If you’re a high-performing man, your success came by forging extreme mental discipline.

You optimized for logic.
You killed off distraction.
You made pain productive.

And in the process? You overdeveloped your prefrontal cortex and shut down everything soft.
Emotional expression? Suppressed.
Oxytocin bonding? Blocked.
Vulnerability? Filed under “inefficient.”
Not because you're cold.
Because you had to be efficient to build what you’ve built.
But the same survival mode that built your empire?
It’s killing your connection.
Read 12 tweets
Jun 2
You're married.
You love each other.
But lately…
You feel like roommates.
She feels emotionally starved.
He feels physically rejected.
You're both frustrated.
And nobody knows how to fix it.
🧵Let’s talk about what’s really going on:
Your marriage isn’t broken because you stopped loving each other.

It’s stuck in a cycle of survival.

She’s emotionally shut down.
He’s physically shut down.
And both of you are waiting for the other person to make the first move.
For many wives, emotional intimacy is prerequisite to physical intimacy.

She needs to feel safe
She needs to feel seen
She needs to feel emotionally held
Without that? Her body says “no.”
Not out of spite—out of self-protection.
Read 13 tweets
May 13
Avoidant men get a bad reputation in relationships—cold, distant, disconnected.

But here’s the truth:
When avoidant men share a clear understanding with you, they often become the most devoted husbands and protective fathers you’ll ever meet.

Here’s how. 🧵👇
Avoidant men aren’t lacking in love.
They’re lacking in clarity, safety, and trust.

Most are desperate to get it right—but they feel like they’re always failing.

That changes when three specific factors are in place. 👇
1) Clear Expectations

Avoidant men fear disappointing their partner. So when expectations are vague, they exaggerate them in their head—and shut down.

They think:
👉 “She wants too much.”
👉 “I can’t win.”
👉 “Better to do nothing than fail.”

Fix this with simple clarity.
Read 9 tweets

Did Thread Reader help you today?

Support us! We are indie developers!


This site is made by just two indie developers on a laptop doing marketing, support and development! Read more about the story.

Become a Premium Member ($3/month or $30/year) and get exclusive features!

Become Premium

Don't want to be a Premium member but still want to support us?

Make a small donation by buying us coffee ($5) or help with server cost ($10)

Donate via Paypal

Or Donate anonymously using crypto!

Ethereum

0xfe58350B80634f60Fa6Dc149a72b4DFbc17D341E copy

Bitcoin

3ATGMxNzCUFzxpMCHL5sWSt4DVtS8UqXpi copy

Thank you for your support!

Follow Us!

:(