Thread by @realonlineboy

*90s black comic voice* black people dance like this, but white people be dancing like THIS

TikTok is learning what I wanna see. I’m teaching this beautiful Chinese app to show me the world’s best freaks

This app makes me feel like we really do live in hell

How insanely shitty this looked really made me laugh, combined with his 80 IQ body language/facial posture. He has 4.6 million followers

Don’t think I could do any better of an ending if I had 100 hours and a stacked writers’ room. How the fuck does this app know that this is the shit I’m gonna love

We’ve heard of TikTok/YouTube/influencer houses, but I’m fantasizing about a massive, fucked up, dilapidated mansion that acts as a TikTok Freak Incubator. A mix of the fattest, ugliest, lowest IQ, most insane people pushing each other to make the most dystopian videos possible

My last brain cell

He looks like a comedian in a fat suit that the prosthetic artists didn’t try to make look real at all

I’ve watched this one probably 25 times. No company or government should have access to an algorithm as powerful as TikTok’s

Love finding a real guy who’s just a juvenile one-note character I would come up riffing with my boys on Xbox

If a comedy person on here made this video as a joke, it’d be an instant follow. But this guy is being sincere, which rules even more

My brain can’t process anything about this one. I hate it but I’ve watched it eight times

I feel kinda bad posting one that isn’t insane/upsetting, but there is some absolutely beautiful multi-racial Dudes Rock energy here that can heal this nation

I fucking wish this was a character I made up and a video I shot and edited to look this fucked up, but it’s just a real 35 year old freak, broadcasting his fucked up weird personal problems on a Chinese app for teens

The amount of white shit on his mouth and how close to the camera his mouth is makes me think he MUST have noticed and just been fine with it. I’m gonna write a pilot about TikTok people and one of them is gonna have extremely thinning purple hair

Halfway through, I thought “ahh, this is a Conner O’Malley-style character, ok” but I looked in his eyes in the last five seconds and realized “oh no, he’s NOT doing bit” and I looked at his other videos and confirmed that he’s real

One of my favorite TikTok genres is “cool black dudes fucking with autistic white guys”

God damnit. I’m gonna fuck my throat up practicing this voice. I was just walking around my apartment saying “hey guys, I can’t wait to get some pussy on my YouTube channel” over and over

This is one of my favorite psychotic TikTok genres— comforting the viewer and telling them you’ll always there for them. Tragic little simulations of friendship. This is one of my fav guys on there. He makes videos saying what he desperately wishes someone would say to him

This is JUST a Cum Town character. God fucked up and instead of sending this as a thought into Nick’s mind, he made a real guy with Down syndrome actually get trolled by some of the worst people alive. Goddamn this app is evil hahahahah I laughed hard, but I feel AWFUL

Gonna start ending most of my thoughts like this

Sometimes you need a nice palate cleanser. A perfectly balanced vanilla can be just as satisfying as a sundae with all the fixings

Can’t oversell how much I hate this. Goddamn. What the fuck is this way of talking? Where the fuck did this come from? Is this funhouse mirror Marvel banter? This is how everyone who talks like this looks inside. He just also looks this way outside

He said “a joker rap” and I started screen recording before I even watched it

“My house is filled to the brim with weaponry”. There’s a panic on low-IQ TikTok that there will be a massive Purge-style outbreak of sexual assault on 04/24 cuz a couple edgelords declared it “National Rape Day”, so morons are making what they think are badass, noble threats

This one made me laugh really hard. This kid rules

Found a new guy. Eyeliner steampunk Infowars fan showing off his mask that has big holes in it. Note the living room decor: Don’t Tread On Me snake/confederate hybrid flag, Marlboro Rewards promotional banner, 6ft tall Bang Energy standee #IAmStetsonBlack

Peek behind the curtain of my TikTok algorithm. Disabled lip-syncing, softcore porn, low IQ rambling into the void, steroid freak threatening to murder imagined rapists

Happy Friday :)

Jake Paul just announced his next opponent, and.. idk... This doesn’t feel ethical

It’s fucking Sunday, baby, fuck :)

A fucking instant follow right here folks—thefartking814kyle. I love finding shit that makes me laugh exactly the same at 29 years old as I would have at 7 or 13

Happy Wednesday :) if this guy was a character I was writing and I added the detail “he’s rich and hangs out with one of the most famous entertainers in the world”, people would be like “that doesn’t make sense, and isn’t believable”

People who watch this whole thread are rewarded by seeing storylines play out. The guy above was some freak screaming about KFC, then it turns out he’s rich and friends with Russell Peters. This guy made a video saying “I only date people 21+” and has now followed it up with this

Hope you’re all having a good Thursday night baby, fuck, baby, fuck, Thursday night, baby, I love Thursday night baby, fuck

This guy, who’s not doing a bit at all, is JUST a Kyle Mooney character. It was so fuckin hard to choose just one of his videos, god damn

New guy that I wish was a character I invented— the bisexual Australian rapist

Goddamn this got me good. I checked and I’m 95% sure neither party is doing a bit. This one kind of sums up the dystopian atmosphere that defines TikTok

No app has ever made me say “I did NOT know a human could be shaped like that” more than TikTok

5% of TikTok is people using a family member’s visually shocking disability to go viral

There’s a SUBSTANTIAL trend on TikTok of probably-4chan guys asking people with Down syndrome why they killed George Floyd. Please don’t yell at me, folks. I’m basically a war correspondent, on the frontlines, just reporting what I see, and laughing, and in this case feeling bad

RT to curse someone’s timeline

A good subgenre of TikTok is maybe-mentally-“respected”-but-you-can’t-be-100%-sure people poorly re-telling street jokes

These proportions are just impossible for my brain to process

Big laugh from me at the end. Another smash hit by true TikTok royalty

First two things I saw when I opened the app today. Hit two jackpots in a row. God fucking bless this evil Chinese algorithm

Visuals from a fucking nightmare. The kind of shit you see before waking up sweating with a heart rate of 140bpm

The first video is so on-the-nose with its dystopian vision of the present that it feels fake. It feels like something I’d write in a pilot about TikTok fame, which I am seriously considering. But no, it’s real. And then song choice in second one made me laugh hard

This is such a fucking good dance. If this guy wasn’t an idiot, he’d be a genius

I want to write a pilot about this man’s downfall

My brilliant, beautiful algorithm showed me one of these, so I immediately watched 20 minutes of #agegaplove videos to make sure it knows that this is ABSOLUTELY the shit I want to see

They should have a premium tier of TikTok where you can smell the people making the video

If I was a horror movie director, I would just scroll through TikTok all day and send shit I see to the special effects guys and say “make this”

No TikTok thread’s complete w/o this guy. I saw him doing cologne reviews a year+ ago when I was depressed and thought “maybe I should get into cologne”. Didn’t think much of him. Then I saw people posting his tiktoks (shout out @MKULTRAMILF) and discovered what an A+ freak he is

Hearing reports from the AP that the IDF and Hamas saw this video and have put down their weapons

One of my favorite Instagram freaks is thriving on TikTok. “Ruki Bazuki” which is “bazooka arms” in Russian. Injects synthol oil. Always has an inexplicably hot girlfriend. Has had to get them partially or fully drained twice. It’s either gonna kill him or leave him armless

I love when I see shit on TikTok that sounds like perfectly written comedy but is just some fuckin idiot saying what’s actually in their head

TikTok is the best app for finding real people who seem like characters that comics would do on a podcast. I started screen recording the moment I heard, “yeah, my pet scorpion, right?”

More than any other app, TikTok has made me say “…would” to some shit that I neeever would have expected

Me when friends suggest a mental health break from Twitter

A grim glimpse into a corner of TikTok that I rarely see; hot 18-23 year olds barely-dancing to 2 lines of pseudo-popular hip-hop while making “fuck me” eyes. There are mansions where people like this make videos like these all day. It’s honestly just as depressing as the freaks

I Didn’t Know A Human Could Be Shaped Like That: Mr. Happy Thumb

TikTok is the #1 app to watch insane people publicly speak their demented personal problems into the void for no clear purpose. This is the 2nd appearance in the thread for this guy, who’s an InfoWars COVID truther wore masks with holes in them during the height of the pandemic

This is literally what’s missing from my mental health regimen. If I did this every day, I think I’d feel ok

This is what’s going on inside my head all the time

One of my favorite “would be a great character is created by a comedian but it’s just a real person” users. She’s the queen of the “mentally unwell but extremely horny” TikTok subgenre

Another one that short circuits my brain. Is he 25 or 55? IS the shirt a fuckin XXXL? ARE the hands NBA center-sized? Or is it all an optical illusion caused by his tiny, tragic head? And why does he not do another take after losing the thread of the lyrics SO badly two lines in?

I support their rights 100%, truly, but it’s so funny to imagine gathering your family to celebrate you making a commitment to fuck a pillow-shaped guy in the mouth and ass for the rest of your life. Also funny to imagine him accidentally letting his husband drown in that pool

A recent favorite TikTok subgenre is “mentally ill homeless workouts”

Extremely upset that I didn’t see this on Father’s Day

This is by far the most extreme entry in the “I did NOT know a human being could look like that” TikTok subgenre

I’m gonna get 8-pack ab implants the size of applesauce cups and get 120K followers on TikTok and k*ill myself

I know I’ve said this a lot in this thread, but I 👏🏻 did 👏🏻 not 👏🏻 know 👏🏻 that 👏🏻 a 👏🏻 human 👏🏻 could 👏🏻 be 👏🏻 shaped 👏🏻like 👏🏻 this 👏🏻

Genuinely heartening twist in the upsetting TikTok trend of “4Chan freaks accusing disabled guys of killing George Floyd/Breonna Taylor/etc”. This dude rocks

There’s no better app to see room tours of the most soul-crushingly desperate living situations in the developed world

Gonna start greeting most people like this

This got me good. I love this guy. Absolutely a peer of Rich Homie Quan

Seeing people in their 30s act like this makes my skin crawl. Many of the most insufferable cuddle puddle theater kids/D&D nerds who you scowled at as they watched Foamy The Squirrel videos in the computer lab in high school haven’t changed a bit, they just got grayer/fatter

This account is 90% just videos of this guy eating the biggest wet burrito you’ve ever seen

The TikTok algorithm has somehow learned to show me videos that have 0-10 likes of people with untreated schizophrenia

MFer looks like a guy that got run over by a truck in a cartoon

A euphemistic way to describe akamrstealyourgirl (imagine if he stole your girl btw) would be “outsider music”, but the frank description would be “Down syndrome influencer”. REMINDER: don’t get mad at me. I’m just peering into this Chinese portal to hell and relaying what I see

I love videos like this where I have absolutely no fucking idea what is going on

A shocking entry in the “……..would” TikTok subgenre

The world became hopelessly addicted to being mentally respected when Trump became the most powerful man alive. There are influencers claiming to have multiple personalities even tho they’re INSANELY-obviously acting. If you’re over 16 and you buy this, you got a double digit IQ

There’s some grievously fucked up and upsetting shit on TikTok, but I might hate this more than anything I’ve ever seen on that app. What the fuck is this fuckin shit, who fuckin likes this

Favorite new TikTok guy in a while. Infinitely better than any influencer-style “______ Reacts” video

I love when one of the countless earnest, disabled angels of TikTok takes a fucking annoying viral thing and effortlessly makes it extremely good

Found a lady who looks like the “I don’t even wanna be around anymore” guy from I Think You Should Leave if he had teeth. Every video in her profile is a 10 second single-photo slide show

TikTok started removing these videos, but there was a 10~ day period where every time I opened the app, I’d see someone get a life-deranging injury trying to do something they had undoubtedly watched someone else get a life-deranging injury trying to do

No idea what to call this TikTok sub-genre— PG incel revenge fantasy sketches?— but it fuckin rules

Never seen a college kid look both 18 months old and 70 before. I wonder if he fucks at all

This is the most I’ve ever felt like “wait why can a guy post this but a woman can’t post nip”? These are hairless fuckin E cups

I hate this so much it makes me feel insane. No matter how big his beard gets, you can still see the soy face underneath. Vile. I’m sure it smells like dried Panera danish filling and some stupid fuckin cinnamon roll flavored IPA. Shave your face and go to the gym like an adult

This is one of THE most depraved things I’ve seen on this fuckin freak app. I feel sick. Influencer houses are already disgusting, but at LEAST you can say “they’re 20, maybe they’ll grow out of it”. These people are trying to go viral/get UTA agents in the final 5-15 yrs of life

Just a couple of literal monsters hanging out

This triggered the most intense “I wish this was a character I came up with instead of a real guy out in the world” feelings I’ve ever experienced

This is the only kind of influencer that should exist

You can’t have a TikTok thread without Martin Cabello. Everyone who’s been watching him for years is just waiting for the day we see a pic of his wide-eyed autistic smile over news footage of a burning police station

This guy isn’t doing a bit, I checked. Imagine choosing to look like this and then just being like “always sarcastic // Ravenclaw // Dog Parent // Disney Season Pass Holder // witty banter enthusiast // can live off tacos”

SNL hasn’t created a character this good in at least a decade

Sometimes TikTok feels like you’re looking at an app from a different planet

What my phone sees when I’m looking at Twitter

This video has more views (95.3M) than everything I will make in my entire life will get by the time I’m dead

The sound of the stomping made me laugh so fucking hard. A sound a phone that costs $100+ could never capture. I should trade my iPhone for a $40 LG Tracphone from Target, it’s honestly much better for comedy when videos look like they were recorded on a digital camera from 2002

This one truly does not feel real. It genuinely feels like a nightmare, an hallucination of an insane, gay, dystopian future

TikTok is BY A LONG SHOT the best app to see unabashed disabled horniness

This insane Chinese mental illness/circus freak/softcore pornography curation app has more compelling storylines than 95% of prestige dramas

One nice part of TikTok is that you get to respectfully admire the sexiest ladies in the world :)

Imagine seeing this motherfucker at the mall with a gun

My algorithm is just unreal. How does it know to show me this video that looks like it was filmed on a calculator of a boogying teenage globe in a too-short Joker shirt wearing size 3 shoes, that only 58 other people have liked? How does it know that’s exactly what I fucking want

Doctors are calling it Down Bad Syndrome, and it’s spreading on TikTok like omicron at a kissing booth

This is gonna be me on NYE

Man, it takes a lot to shock me at this point, but zero-irony “what I eat in a day as a fat autistic glory hole worker (who has BED and isn’t trying to lose weight)” floored me. In another video, she showed her glory hole; a jagged hole cut in a curtain hung INSIDE her apt lmfao

This made me laugh harder than anything I’ve seen on TikTok in months. Every detail is beautiful

Here it is. The first hit song of 2022

I fucking love having absolutely zero idea what is going on

Laughed at this the same way at 30 as I would have at 13

FUCK man, what the FUCK. Just when I think this wretched Chinese app can’t shock me any more, it puts me in my place. This is truly the oldest looking bitch on this earth. When you have to chew a bite of rice for 40 seconds, it is time to die

Unfortunately, and I’m very sorry, this is one of the funniest videos I’ve ever seen

Love to see someone rocking a sincere hairstyle that, if worn by a kooky character in a comedy movie, would be vetoed by the director. “Tell wardrobe that they need to tone it down, that’s too much”

New head/sunglass shape just dropped